Hi all –
I’ve (32m) been seeing a woman (33f) for about 3 weeks. We’ve been on 3 dates, the 3rd was cooking at my place and watching a movie. Today we had an impromptu 4th hang out at her place because both of our schedules freed up.
I like her a lot! We line up really well on a lot of things. Could definitely see myself dating her long term.
She has said she wants to move slowly, which I obviously respect. But the sexual chemistry has definitely been there the last two times. I’m not a stranger to sex at all, and in a lot of other scenarios likely would have had sex by now. It’s a really important factor for me for connecting with partners. Today we made out and there was some over the pants action, but nothing else.
She texted me after and said today was great and she liked being touched and touching me, but could we slow it down? What she wants isn’t congruous with how she wants to get to know me. It felt like a very natural progression to me and she was very into it as well.
She suggested not being at either of our places “going forward for a bit”.
I guess I’m wondering how you all view sex while dating? Have you been in a similar scenario?
Edit: Lots of great replies, thanks a lot to everyone for sharing your viewpoints.
27 comments
FYI you sound like you don’t fully understand or respect her position so I think her choice to not be at either of your places for now 100% makes sense. Eliminate the slippery slope until she’s ready for wearing galoshes.
It’s totally fine to want sex earlier than the other person but your choices are:
**deal with it, or say bye and find someone more on your wavelength**.
There is no option “well the group mind says sex should happen now since we’re comfortable together and attracted together, so we shouldn’t slow down.”
You have choices…. See a wonderful woman you really like for a month of celibacy before the next discussion… patience is a virtue. Generations prior found happiness by not having sex quickly.
Or keep trying to date other women you might not like and message her months later.
If sex is truly a large piece of what you want early, then you should probably find someone that matches that. She has boundaries for a reason, and taking things slow could be for any number of reasons. If you don’t want to respect that, then end it. Otherwise, accept boundaries, take things slow as she want, and reevaluate after a few weeks.
Sounds like things are going well. Take on board what she’s saying, go back to dating outside oh your homes. She sounds like she wants to take it slow and possibly be in a committed relationship before having sex. You can have a discussion with her as to what your expectations and timelines are.
I don’t think it’s a warning sign. You both are communicating and maybe you’re not used to dating someone who likes to take it slow. Like someone else said it’s not a matter of sexual chemistry all the time in fact it sounds like you guys have great sexual chemistry. Be patient and wait and you can have some of the most mind-blowing sex!
For now I’d advise to respect her desire to take things slow, and have a discussion about it without pushing her to do something that makes her uncomfortable. You have the right to express that you would also want to eventually explore sexual chemistry as well.
EDIT: I don’t know what others may think, but personally, I know women sometimes get a lot of shit for “moving too fast” and some questionable people appear to completely lose interest once they’ve had sex!
In my experience, just having the guy express that he understands my boundaries/communicate respect for taking things slowly made me feel a lot more trusting and comfortable with him. I’m not sure we would have become exclusive/in a relationship if he were to have pushed the issue or used sex as an ultimatum. Things are going great in that department and he says he couldn’t be happier!
Personally, sex is a very important part of a relationship. And I’ve slept with enough men to know that finding sexual chemistry is not as simple as “if everything else is good, the sex will be too”
So I have sex right away, like within the first three dates. Or I move on. Cause I don’t have time to waste falling for someone only to find out a month in that the sex is bad.
But that’s me. You have to decide how important a good sex life is to you, and how much time you will spend investing in someone before you know if that aspect works or not.
if i legitimately liked someone, this sorta stuff would make me like them more. It shows they value relationship and dont just sleep around. So this is all green flags for me. Good luck
I used to be a sex by the third or fourth date type person but so many guys take advantage of that and get you to have sex quickly then bounce, or put you in the casual sex box while they look for someone “girlfriend material”. I understand why she wants to wait. Either you think she’s worth waiting for or you don’t. It’s ok if you don’t, but just let her know now so that you both don’t waste each other’s time.
If you wait until both parties are ready the sex is going to be *amazing* when it happens.
Studies show waiting on sex builds a better relationship.
Just date somewhere other than your guy’s places for a while and don’t focus so much on the physical. There’s way more to get to know about someone and dwelling on that is a good way to push her away. Especially bc she’s explicitly saying slow down.
And not having sex after four dates is not slow. That’s pretty normal for many people.
Don’t let your hormones ruin a good thing.
I don’t have sex with someone unless I develop deeper feelings for them. Yes you can desire sex with someone on attraction alone, on comfort alone, on attraction + comfort, or you want to wait until a third or fourth thing is in the mix (like emotional intimacy stemming from emotional vulnerability. And/or intellectual compatibility coming from deep convos abt life) . And its likely to take more than 4 dates. You should have a talk about which it is and then decide if that’s compatible for you or not.
I am similar. I just know I don’t see the guy the same way after we hook up (my feelings get more intense, even if I didn’t like him all that much) and it’s made me commit to relationships and people that maybe I would not have if I waited longer to have a better idea of if I had real feelings for this person.
I also just can’t say I know someone that well or have feelings for someone after knowing them for less than 10 hours total (typically what 3 dates amounts to). And since I don’t enjoy sex without liking someone, this has led me to taking things slower (although I don’t have much experience overall since I’ve been in 2 relationships with a couple hookups in between, which is how I learned I don’t enjoy sex without emotional connection).
One thing I did recently with a guy I have been seeing is play this board game with get to know you questions, some of which are quite sexual. This sort of let me see what he’s into and how he views sex (assuming he was comfortable being honest) and vice versa. I love talking about that stuff and I love having sex, but I know it’s unusual how long I wait so 🤷🏻♀️
She is trying to protect herself. You should respect her boundaries. If it gets to like date 10 and no sexual anything I would be worried. Let it be natural.
Opposite of what I’ve found.
In my experience women have been on the same page with me — we don’t want to waste time. What does that mean? It means quickly find out of we are compatible, and sex is a huge part of that. Usually I end up having sex around the third or fourth date. I honestly don’t want to go slow in my 30’s, and I’ve found that all the women I’ve been with feel the same. It’s like speed relationshipping – – find out asap if there’s potential, and if so, persue that, if not, move on.
yeah, it sounds like you’re waiting for her to put out and you’ve met like 3 times. dear God, take her on a real date and wait for the standard three month mark. if that’s not your vibe then get the hell outta there.
It doesn’t matter if you knock boots on whichever date… two people who are into each other will get there when they get there!
So like, prioritize finding out WHO you’re going to be naked with. And as you get to know each other better, unless you’re (or she is) a horrible human being, you’ll have sex.
You’re putting way too much focus on the sex. So follow her lead and put the focus on getting to know each other! Easy!
And you’ve not been dating her “for three weeks,” you’ve gone on four whole dates. Chill thyself.
Her not wanting to be at either of your places means she was feeling it and doesn’t want to be tempted or tell you no. She has been hurt before, likely love bombed then pumped and dumped. She wants to make sure you are in it to win it. If you guys are feeling it, give it time. If this is real and you are both in for the long haul, don’t blow this over getting your dick wet. Seriously dude. There’s so much crazy out there – it’s worth it to be a gentleman and play the long game.
I don’t think it’s a warning sign. She just wants to be able to set boundaries with you. I’ve had girls said that to me and we were doing it the next week. Just respect her boundaries.
Sex accelerates the dating phase and usually results in a false sense of compatibility due to the chemicals released during sex. People have difficulty seeing things in a clear mind once sex is involved. You think you’ve found the one and continues dating only to realize a few months down that said person isn’t actually compatible with you. This would have been observed much earlier if there weren’t sex.
For this reason, I don’t have sex early if I think I’m seeing someone with potential LTR compatibility. By early, I mean before 2 months which should be around 10 dates. Exception is when exclusivity and commitment to a romantic relationship is established earlier. And I’m someone who loves having sex and can be a freak under the sheets (if the guy shares the same kink).
she might be the type that only wants sex in committed relationships, but things seem to be going good. Respect what she wants. probably keep dating around while getting to know her better depending on what you want
I find it concerning, the number of comments that say they need to have sex right away to find out if they’re compatible, and if not move on.
Sex, like other things in relationships, are about two different people meeting in the middle and making it work for both. “Trying someone out” one time, especially early on when you’re practically strangers and not yet really comfortable with each other seems really bizarre to me. Lots of people wouldn’t have amazing, compatible sex the first time, even if it wasn’t so early. Do y’all not communicate with sexual partners and share what you like over time and grow together and develop a new sexual relationship between the two of you? Or is it just if they’re not perfectly matching what you want the first time you kick em to the curb? It’s just too close to expecting a partner to be a mind reader, or to find moviesque “The One”.
Heck, in our 30s, most people have had previous relationships and, since everyone’s different, are probably just doing what their ex enjoyed still. I find it weird that people seem to just go through a bunch of prospects and give them one chance to be exactly what they want sexually.
Does anyone else find that weird?
Sex for me is reserved for someone I’m in a relationship with only.
My view is that if a woman wants to wait more than 3 dates sex isn’t important enough to her for me to have a future with her.
Probably a sign to move on and find someone else tbh
4 dates, isn’t a huge amount of time to spend with someone. I personally don’t see that as “slow.”
I see you mentioned you would’ve had sex by now in previous dating interactions.
If you can see yourself with her long term and respect her choice to move slowly, why would you treat this like every other dating experience and try (or expect) to have sex asap?
Ask yourself if she’s worth the wait?
– If so, stop worrying about how long it’s taking to get laid and focus on building a genuine connection.
– If not, find someone that puts out faster. There are plenty of women that are comfortable having sex within 1-4 dates.
Also sex drive isn’t directly related to the amount of time someone wants to wait before having sex with a new partner. I personally prefer to wait until I feel emotionally connected and comfortable, but have a very high sex drive.