I (30F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) off and on for two years.
He has a history of flaking, and has flaked the last two visits we were supposed to have (we are LDR).
He is coming home for Christmas and I asked him when he was going to see me, and he said he didn’t know when he was free yet.
I’m terrified he’s going to cancel on me again. How do I talk to him about it without causing a fight?
TL;DR: Boyfriend frequently flakes and says he doesn’t know when he’s going to see me when he comes home. I’m afraid he’s going to flake again. How do I talk to him about it without starting a fight?
20 comments
Why are you wasting your time with this guy?
Sounds to me like your the back up plan. If he’s been like this for the majority of your relationship it’s most likely not going to change. For myself if I haven’t seen my gf in a while I’m excited to see her. She’s near the top of the plans list. She’s my priority aside from obligations. I’d say time to think about moving on.
Sounds to me like you are not the top priority. You shouldn’t be terrified of him flaking out on you. You should just flake out on him and move on. This is not a healthy relationship.
If you asking him to make a promise to visit you and keep it starts a fight then maybe you need to have the fight.
This isn’t a thing you should need to discuss with someone you’re dating.
First thing, unfortunately you can not make the request as you have stated with any form of determinism that there will be no push back. You’re well seasoned enough with life to understand that life is based in probabilities rather than in predetermined outcomes.
As for how to get the thing that best communicates your desire, your approach is the worst. “Don’t make this decision” is the most surefire way you encourage a decision with someone who isn’t already asking you to learn from you.
Have you ever heard the phrase “you catch more bees with honey than vinegar”? This phrase is how you attract the outcome you want. You sell the reasons why it’ll be fun and entertaining and romantic and so forth. Give different ideas of what you’d like to do if he shows up.
If I knew how to get people to behave exactly as I wanted them to I would write a book and make a mint.
You also can’t control how he responds to your request that he not cancel.
Might be time to make this permanently off.
If he wanted to he’d do it.
This is not a real relationship. If he wanted to see you he would make time for you. Every day you are with him is one less you could be with someone excited to see you, happy to spend time with you….and actually respects you. Are you with him just so you can say you have a boyfriend?
I hate to say this, but if he wanted to see you, he’d make time. I have friends who have driven 4 hours just to come to my birthday dinner, the least your boyfriend can do is see you while he’s already in town.
Why are you putting up with this behaviour?
Why do you feel it’s ok to be with someone who thinks so little of you they flake and you will happily stick around and take that treatment again and again?
I wouldn’t put up with this behaviour from a friend let alone a partner who is supposed to have my back.
Stop wasting your time and energy on people who don’t want to make an effort to see you.
You don’t seem like a priority too him. Unless he has really good excuses – like he’s in some super unstable job and had no idea what time he has off – it would not be unreasonable to give him an ultimatum and if he lets you down again, ditch him.
Does he seem like he even wants to see you? Like desperately wants to be with you? Because in an LDR if you’re not both trying you squeeze every minute together that you can then something’s shifty …
What does off and on mean? It sounds like you’d be better off without him and find someone who makes you there priority. Xx
I’ve found in life that if someone wants to find time to hang out with you, they will. Sounds like he’s might be checked out of the relationship now.
It’s tough to hear, but you are not a priority of his.
People make time for the things that are important to them.
Move on and find someone who values you as much as you do them.
Oh honey, you deserve better! Best tell him you have new plans now. Time to get ride you’re not nobodies second option!
He’s selfish, unreliable and keeping you as an option.
just be honest and tell him how you feel. so what if a fight happens. let it happen. you’re allowed to be upset and mad over this. it seems like you’re scared of breaking up and you’re trying everything possible not to instead of just being yourself in the relationship and being fine with the fact that he can leave at any second. let him leave. be fine with being alone
Uhm why are you scared to start a fight when you want him to stop flaking you?
Tell him to be clear about of he comes or not and tell him that this hurts you.
Maybe he thinks its manly to be unreliable.
if he cared, he wouldn’t flake. get a new bf