I (M30) have been married to my wife (F27) for a year. We’ve been together for 7 years. A few months after we were married my wife told me she has over 5k in credit card debt. She hid it from me for a few years. We were living together before getting married and I paid all the bills myself. She was not working for the last few years, in school for part, staying home with our daughter (her biological daughter, now my step daughter) during covid. When she got a new job I was exited because since I could afford the bills (barely breaking even), we could start saving for a house. That’s when she told me.
She has a separate bank account. She makes 20k per year at her new job, so she could theoretically pay the debt off in less than a year. But she’s not putting all of her money to the debt. She’s spending money on weed, cigarettes, eating out, etc. I’m not talking about getting fast food or coffee every once in a while. It’s hundreds of dollars per month. I don’t think this is fair as I pay all the bills. I tried to talk to her about this and she thinks I’m being controlling in trying to get her to pay off the debt. She claims she makes above the minimum payments and that’s good enough. She gets mad when I want to see the statements.
But why should I pay all the bills while she spends her money on what she wants? She always wants to eat out and buy new clothes and random trinkets we don’t need and asks me for money for these things and will sometimes take my debit card without asking. My money is her money and her money is her money. Then she’ll act like I’m a miser for wanting to save money. It’s not fair to me to be the responsible one, while she’s hamstrung our future. And to paint me as controlling, as if I’m abusive for wanting her to get out of debt while I’m the one paying all the bills, is bullshit in my opinion.
I’ve already talked to her about thus multiple times. She agrees with me, then doesn’t change. What steps should I take next? I don’t want my marriage to end over debt, but she won’t act responsibly.
15 comments
Divorce. That’s a huge omission/lie.
Hate to say it, but financial incompatibility is very real. And it is a deal breaker (or at least it should be). This relationship has been in trouble for years and you just didn’t know it. She lied to you, has horrible spending habits, is financially incompetent, and abuses your income to support herself and her daughter. She is not going to improve. She is a dead weight holding you back.
She wants to play games..
Stop giving her access to your money. Change your debt card and don’t give her the password
The bad news is in most states debt she takes on while married is your debt. ( check with a local family law attorney for specifics).
Try couples counseling
You need to separate your finances a bit more until she gets a grasp on financial responsibility.
Do you have a joint account for household expenses? In your shoes I would consider keeping “your” money in a completely separate account, and setting contributions from both of you for the joint account.
If she doesn’t want to or can’t afford to, then scale back household expenses, like letting some subscriptions go, get slower internet, etc. Once you make an impact on her standard of living she may see things differently.
From what you described, it doesn’t sound like she respects you. Or trust you, with the fact that she hid her debt. She lives rent free, and gets to do what she wants with zero consequences. The fact that she won’t show you the statements are alarming. What’s on them that you are not allowed to see? If I was in your shoes, I would struggle to trust, if I’m honest.
OP – one thing you have to understand is that depending on where you are physically, because you are now married that you may be held liable for any debts she incurs in the event of a divorce of separation.
That you have separate finances is the one thing that may save you in the event of divorce however that is something that you may wish to get legal advice on.
Another thing to consider is that if she has lied openly to you about the debt that you **know** about, you may be completely in the dark as to the true state of her finances. In all honesty, after taxes $20k per annum is not a lot and even spending $200 a week will drain her incoming money. If she is spending “It’s hundreds of dollars per month.” then you can be guaranteed that she is funding the shortfall via debt.
> She claims she makes above the minimum payments and that’s good enough. She gets mad when I want to see the statements.
In your whole post, this is the comment that rings my alarm bells the most. She is hiding debt and it could be way beyond what you think it is and it could be huge. Her claim to make minimum payments is BS though as she wouldn’t be able to spend hundreds per month whilst meeting minimum payments. Even a $5k CC debt’s minimum monthly would blow her earnings easily (this would be around $250 per month).
If you want a starting point you need to get an idea as to what her actual debt is looking like. It may shock you as to how much debt she is in hence why she is so against you knowing.
You are in DEEP TROUBLE here.
Financial infidelity and hiding shit kills a TON of marriages.
And yours is on its way.
Let me help with your title “I am in debt and WE spend too much money”. You are married, not just wife problem.
>She always wants to eat out and buy new clothes and random trinkets we don’t need and asks me for money for these things and will sometimes take my debit card without asking. My money is her money and her money is her money.
She thinks you’re a sucker. Are you?
Question: is her child’s father in the picture or pay any child support? Or does she expect you to fully financially support her and her kid while she racks up debt, shops and eats at restaurants. She sounds horribly selfish. Bail, before she drives you into the ground financially.
Tell her she needs to pay the percentage of the bills based on her income and yours. If you make 80k and she makes 20k she needs to pay 20% of all household bills. Rent/mortgage, utilities, food etc.
> will sometimes take my debit card without asking.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
She gets counseling, or you walk. No more talking about it.
Go to debt counseling
Divorce. Fast.
She’s a thief and a liar and she doesn’t believe you will break up the marriage over it. I don’t know what advice you want from Reddit. You have asked her to contribute, she said no. You have asked her to pay her own debt off, she turned around and called you financially abusive.
It’s ultimatum time. She needs to get on a budget, stick with it, and let you see the statements, as well as a monthly credit report (so you know if she’s taking out new credit cards). If she’s unwilling it’s time to divorce. Or continue being a sucker.
She’s a money pit and you can’t fix her. Cut your loss and run, unless you want to continue and she will drive the both of you in deeper debt.
You may want to try counseling, and definitely separate finances, but this may come down to divorce. It sucks, but you should’ve married someone who was your equal, and you didn’t. She was relying on you to support you and her child while she stayed home even before you got married; that was super risky on her part, and she obviously thinks she has you locked down and can take you for granted. And now she’s working but not making much, racking up debt spending on things like weed. Sad that this person is a parent, frankly. Not exactly setting a good example for her kid. Only you can decide what your limits are and how much you’ll put up with, but you need to draw a line and stick to it.