My (25M) partner (25M) and I have been dating for more than a year now and I feel comfortable enough that I would like to invite him and his family over for Christmas eve dinner. They’ve been really good to me and my partner and I am putting together a super nice dinner that we can all enjoy together. I want to invite my sister (40F) so she can meet his family, because I talk about her often to them and she’s important to me.
However, I have a brother-in-law (41M) who is married to my sister. He’s a nice guy, but doesn’t really take good care of himself. He doesn’t bathe as often as he needs to, rarely washes and combs his hair properly, and usually wears really ratty clothes and almost never any shoes. He’s got his own mental and physical health issues, so I try to be accommodating and understanding, but at a certain point he just looks so haggard and gross, it’s kind of heartbreaking. He’s also a big dude with some mobility issues and often strains or breaks furniture if it’s not made to withstand 300+lbs–though I’d be okay with taking the risk of him damaging my furniture if he just took better care of himself.
My boyfriend’s parents are really nice, but my BIL is just… really gross and sometimes even upsetting to look at because of how bad his personal hygiene and appearance can get. I really don’t feel like I can trust him to come to the event in a presentable state (meaning bathed, with washed and combed hair, in clean clothes that fit him, and wearing proper shoes) on top of my concerns about my furniture.
What would be the best way to go about figuring out invites? I would really like my sister to go, but I don’t want to be mean by implying her husband isn’t a part of the family. I don’t want to hurt his feelings either by telling him his hygiene is the main reason why I am uncomfortable with him attending.
TL;DR: I’m having an important dinner with my boyfriend’s family and want to invite my sister, but my BIL has really awful hygiene and I don’t trust him to come to it presentable or to not damage my furniture. Would it just be best to not invite them at all?
EDIT: Thanks everyone for the comments. I’ll keep answering questions as they come up, but I am going to try to have a conversation with my sister about it tomorrow when I see her.
My boyfriend also mentioned to his parents that I was really stressing about the whole dinner and the furniture stuff and they offered to host since they have non-IKEA furniture that’s meant to hold heavier people. I think this will work out great because I don’t have to worry about my stuff breaking and it will encourage my BIL to dress up a little more (or to just skip it) than he might have otherwise since it’s not my house!
5 comments
Have you and your sister ever talked about his hygiene, or has she acknowledged it in any way?
It sounds like a very difficult situation, but I don’t think there is a diplomatic solution to having only your sister attend.
I think you will have to sadly forgo having your sister there unless you are ready to plainly tell her why her husband isn’t invited. Is there a possibility of your sister meeting your SOs parents at another time in a less formal setting? Maybe something like that won’t be as obvious that you are deliberately excluding your BIL.
If your BIL is going to damage furniture I’d say no go to his invite. I’m all for supporting disabilities but that’s ridiculous. Also, no shoes? BIL needs some serious mental health professional help and possibly adult protective services to step in at this point.
How does your sister sleep with him or give him oral, yikes
I would skip inviting them to this dinner and set up something less formal to invite your sister to meet the in laws. It seems like a minefield that i wouldn’t want to walk through during the holidays or risk accidentally involving the in laws in.