I have a friend who we’ll call S for the sake of anonymity. S and I were friends during college, but she graduated and moved to another state so we lost touch for a while. We reconnected in the past few months, and while it was fun at first, I very quickly realized the relationship had become draining for me.

At first, we would just text each other every day reconnecting, and it was nice to have a new friend in my life. Within a few weeks, I realized that S enjoyed talking to me much more than I enjoyed talking to her, to the point where I muted S because she would spam me with so many texts every day. So when she told me she was visiting my city for a week, I was very stressed out wondering if I could stand seeing her for so long when I was already trying to put distance between us.

The week went okay. I ended up seeing S more than I initially planned, but it was still fun. However, I was still drained from spending that much time with S, as well as slowly seeing more and more qualities I didn’t like about her. S and I still messaged each other after that trip, but I was slowly responding less and less while S kept up her barrage of daily texts. I started resenting her, seeing responding to her texts as a chore, and I dreaded having to respond every night. I think I need to tell her how I’m feeling, but don’t know how to say it nicely.

I do want to be clear that I don’t actually hate or even dislike this person. There are some personality traits I don’t like for sure, but no one is perfect. The problem is that I felt like I was her only real friend so I let her message me 24/7 even though I knew it was draining. I would like to continue to be friends, but with more boundaries so that it’s healthy and not just draining me.

TLDR: I resent my friend because they’re clinging to me when I don’t want that, and need to let them down gently.

2 comments
  1. It sounds like you don’t dislike her as a person, rather her intense communication habits. I’d recommend muting the conversation with her (so that you don’t feel guilty when you hear the notification sounds and decide to ignore them) and only replying when it’s convenient for you. If she brings up that you “reply late”, simply tell her that you’re busy with other things as well but do make time to talk to her.

    Next time she visits, it’s perfectly fine for you to not meet up with her that often. Tell her you have other engagements.

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