For the past 4-5 months I’ve been in a relationship where my partner has a difficult time communicating things. She’s very blunt most of the time and she said pretty insensitive stuff to me out of the blue, and sometimes I can’t help but feel hurt.
However I know she doesn’t mean these things, or purposely say these things to make me feel insecure. For example she’ll say a certain thing about my appearance or something makes me feel uncomfortable.
Like the other day she was talking to her brother about how she finds most guys with earrings and a middle part unattractive and basic (she was referring to another guy who changed his look). However I’m a guy with a middle part and earrings, so as a normal response I’m pretty confused with myself right? Like she always tells me she loves my hair and earrings but then she goes on to say that guys with that hair look unattractive and basic? So I told her that “Hey babe I felt kind of weird about that comment you said about guys with a middle part and earrings look basic, because I have that.”
Then she started feeling like I was attacking her and calling her out. And this small thing that I really just wanna tell her. she thinks it’s a big deal to me. but in reality I’m just kind of weirded out about that comment and want some clarification.
This happens quite often too, she’ll say something like that and I’ll get hurt from it, and she’ll wonder why I’m feeling sad or quiet, then she’ll get upset when I speak up and tell her how I’m feeling because she feels like there’s always a problem in the relationship when I bring it up, but I just want to tell her how I feel about certain things and maybe just talk things out. She takes things very personally, and so do I but that’s why I like to discuss things and have a conversation about it.
This has been happening since the first couple weeks we’ve been dating lol, however she tries REALLY REALLY hard to change her ways since she knows it hurts me. But sometimes it hurts a little too much knowing I can’t just bring up small things that bother me because I don’t want to build any resentment towards her. What should I do moving forward on fixing this issue together? Any advice? Thank you!
TLDR : my girlfriend will say things that hurt me, then she gets upset when I bring it up to her.
3 comments
>Like the other day she was talking to her brother about how she finds most guys with earrings and a middle part unattractive and basic (she was referring to another guy who changed his look). However I’m a guy with a middle part and earrings, so as a normal response I’m pretty confused with myself right? Like she always tells me she loves my hair and earrings but then she goes on to say that guys with that hair look unattractive and basic? So I told her that “Hey babe I felt kind of weird about that comment you said about guys with a middle part and earrings look basic, because I have that.”
This is completely reasonable on your part. Its like saying you dont like girls with short hair, and your GF has short hair. She would be like wtf.
>Then she started feeling like I was attacking her and calling her out. And this small thing that I really just wanna tell her. she thinks it’s a big deal to me. but in reality I’m just kind of weirded out about that comment and want some clarification.
So she says something that makes you insecure…and you respectfully ask her about it, and then she feels like you are attacking HER? That doesnt make any sense. In fact, it sounds like she’s only thinking about herself. If she really cared about you, wouldnt she be concerned about why you are upset?
>This happens quite often too, she’ll say something like that and I’ll get hurt from it, and she’ll wonder why I’m feeling sad or quiet, then she’ll get upset when I speak up and tell her how I’m feeling because she feels like there’s always a problem in the relationship when I bring it up, but I just want to tell her how I feel about certain things and maybe just talk things out. She takes things very personally, and so do I but that’s why I like to discuss things and have a conversation about it.
Ultimately, theres not much else you can do other than communicate about things. If you cant communicate as a couple, you wont last.
>This has been happening since the first couple weeks we’ve been dating lol, however she tries REALLY REALLY hard to change her ways since she knows it hurts me. But sometimes it hurts a little too much knowing I can’t just bring up small things that bother me because I don’t want to build any resentment towards her. What should I do moving forward on fixing this issue together? Any advice? Thank you!
Relationships are all about communication. Couples who are shit at communicating will not last. Its actually pretty simple.
If you feel like you cant bring things up, no matter how small, she isn’t trying very hard to change her ways. I am insensitive clueless and blunt, the first thing I’d want my partner to do when I unintentionally hurt them is tell me so I can apologize, comfort them, and make sure it *doesn’t happen again.* I’m not convinced she cares as much as she wants you to think. If she does, get comfy over communicating. I’ve made it like a little in joke where I check in and add reassurances all the time, I’d rather do overkill than miss something, so I try to be proactive and make it lighthearted, that way when I do miss something its not as big of a deal bc it happens less and there’s a precedent set.
She sounds like she doesnt have any thought process/consideration whatsoever and is somewhat narcissistic. If shes making you walk on eggshells just for voicing your feelings, its a throwaway. It actually sounds like she knows what shes doing and wants to blame you for feeling exactly what anyone in your place would be feeling. Pretty abusive. Find someone more thoughtful. Being blunt is not an excuse for hurting your loved ones (especially not your s.o imo)
A suggestion: try expressing this in a letter & have her respond in writing as well, and see if shes more receptive that way.