Using a throwaway account.
My(27F) boyfriend(33M) and his ex(32F) have a son(M12) together, and my boyfriend has sent child support regularly for the past four years of our relationship, which was no big deal to me, and I understood why. Now things have changed, and his son lives with us now.
His ex, sent their child to live with us a year ago because she had housing struggles. What happened was that she rented from a shady landlord(turned out not to be the actual landlord) who leased an unfinished mother-in-law apartment to her and her son. The place had roaches in the tub, their son saw one of the landlord’s dogs die due to malnourishment, and their house became infested with fleas. She sent their son to stay with us because this was not a good living situation for her son. When we picked him up he was covered in bug bites, and very quiet, he had been through a lot and had been homeschooled because of COVID. While she was struggling to figure out her housing situation my boyfriend helped her financially and sent $1000 for emergency funds. After this she seemed to be okay, but she would still ask for help. She asked for books for one of her classes once, and help with other things too like needing help with rent because she couldn’t work due to stomach issues (and other various medical related issues).
Four or so months ago, I told him he needed to stop helping her financially, and he agreed. Then a few months pass and we learn she’s been laid off from her job. When she asked for money, he stood firm and told her he could not help her at this time.
A few weeks go by, and we learn she was denied unemployment because they wrote “nasty” (her words) things on her paperwork, and it will make it difficult for her to get a job. She calls several times, but he doesn’t answer. He texts that he’s sorry, but he cannot help at this time. He even asks if family can help her, but she tells him that they won’t even lend her $15.
She called today saying she’s been diagnosed with something, and to answer her calls. He hasn’t answered her calls. He’s really anxious and is worried. And I think I know why he’s anxious. It’s because she has threatened suicide before, many times actually. He once called 911 because he was really worried, and had them send an ambulance to her place. She turned out to be okay, and told them she was okay. So, the police thought she was being harassed as a result. This happened five years ago, back when we were still friends.
My boyfriend and I have talked, and he really doesn’t want to send her money. He wants her to take care of herself ultimately, but it seems like her situation has gotten worse since he hasn’t sent anything.
He doesn’t think he could forgive himself if things took a turn for the worst. He imagines his son asking him, “Why didn’t you help mom? Maybe she’d still be here if you had helped her.” I don’t want his son to lose his mother either, like he needs her. She’s his mom. I don’t know what to do, I know I told my boyfriend to stop sending her money, so I feel like this might be my fault in some way. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should we help her?
TLDR; My boyfriend is worried that if he doesn’t send money to his ex that she might commit suicide. They have a son together, and he fears that his son might grow up without a mother if he doesn’t do something. I made him promise not to help her anymore financially four months ago, but now I’m not sure anymore. Should my boyfriend and I help her?
7 comments
Yes please help her…she seems to really need the money and has nowhere to turn to. Hopefully she gets a job soon and will be ok.
1. She won’t commit suicide. She’s a mess, but she is also being manipulative. Stand your ground.
2. If she still wants financial assistance from you (and he wants to help), then she needs to allow your BF have a full financial overview of her accounts instead of asking him to blindly hand money over. If she is spending money on frivilous things, has a drug/alcohol problem or is unemployed, then he should not be funding this.
3. His kiddo is smart and will figure the situation out for themselves. Make sure your BF keeps a receipt for every purchase, gift & transaction so that he can evidence to his son that he has actually been there for him and his mum.
4. His money should be going on his child, not his ex, especially if the child is living with him. Money spent on the ex is less money that goes towards the child (and the kid is the priority here).
While she may be hitting a string of bad luck, she also has a history of being manipulative. That’s clear in the self harm threats. If she’s been diagnosed, ask to see the paperwork. Give her prerequisites for the assistance you provide. If she’s treating your bf like a nonprofit, take control of it by requiring documentation that she’s trying to improve her situation.
That will also serve to help the son as long as the expectations are attainable. She’s an adult and should be expected to act like one.
My read of this situation is that she has “failure to adult” and giving her more money only prolongs her not becoming more responsible. If she can’t get a job, it’s not because prior employer wrote something nasty on her paperwork – that’s not how these things work. It’s because she’s not trying very hard (if at all). Oh then it’s because her stomach has problems. Every excuse in the book.
I don’t think she’s going to suicide, although it’s impossible to know for sure. If her own family won’t lend her $15, well that tells you something. I also have to wonder if she has some sort of addiction going on, feeding money into that system just perpetuates it.
There are homeless shelters. There are food banks. There are churches. She can try to apply for DHS benefits and section 8 housing.
Next time she calls and she sounds bad or for whatever reason, call the police to do a welfare check. If she threatening suicide call the police for a welfare check for suicide, especially if she puts it in a text you have proof.
This is a difficult situation… I agree that she needs help but that her bad habits shouldn’t be enabled. You could buy her gift card to a grocery store in the area so that you know money is being spent on a necessity like food or hygiene products. This could also work with a gift card to InstaCart if your area has it.
I think it also doesn’t hurt to help her with resources like homeless shelters. However, if she struggles with sobriety or mental health that might not be the best place for her. Honestly, if you’re boyfriend could swing it, it would be good to pay for a basic studio apartment for her so she has somewhere to shower, cook, and sleep. It makes sense to help her because she is the mother of his child… just don’t give her any cash. Pay for survival necessities directly through his account so that you know she is able to have the basics to stay on her feet. But don’t let her be a “middle man” by sending her money with the expectation it’s going to be spent on any of her necessities. If she needs money for a doctor, go with her and pay there. Never give her cash or cart Blanche money on a card.
Someone earlier mentioned setting up a card for her so that you can track the expenses. I think that is step two after the above has happened. That’s a short term privilege to be earned as she transitions to supporting herself again. Also, your boyfriend should take her to court to amend their custody agreement. I’m worried that she will say he hasn’t been paying her child support in an effort to extort more money from him. You need documentation that the child is living with you full time. I’m NAL but you should probably also investigate getting a temporary removal of her parental rights. She’s clearly not well (mentally or physically), and cannot take care of a child. Although she is reasonable now, she may try to take the child to extort more money.
In addition to helping her with basic welfare needs, it might be good to help with some sort of “education” so that she’s not stuck in this same cycle again and again. I don’t know what the best route for that would be since I don’t know much about her situation. Therapy? Financial literacy classes? Job specific training that could help her move towards a career so she can have pride in her work and maybe want to work to keep a job? I know this seems overboard and would honestly suck to pay for, but your boyfriend should think of it as part of an investment into his child’s future. She may be beyond help, but you can at least say that you tried to put her on a structured path towards a healthy lifestyle. Tell her that you want to help her and outline the plan. Hopefully she can see this as a fresh start.