Hello,
I identify with disorganized attachment and my issue is that I have felt like shit after each time I have had sex with my girlfriend during our 7-year relationship. I have trouble discerning if this means there is something wrong with me due to my attachment style, or if my partner is wrong for me, let alone figuring out how to fix this. This is all very painful for both of us, so if you have any insight, it would be most appreciated.
This issue is the main reason I have one foot in, one foot out in our relationship at this point. She wants to have kids, but I hesitate when I feel like this, while at the same time I am faced with ultimatums that we get started real soon or it’s over, and I’d hate to lose her.
I have a lot of trouble putting words to the feeling, but I sort of get tense, especially in my neck and jaw, hold my breath and feel sad without being able to put words on why or cry. “Disgusting” also resonates, but I’m not sure exactly how. The feeling starts sneaking on me during the hours after the act, getting the most intense about 24-48 hours after, before subsiding. I feel really ashamed that I feel like this too.
This issue was the worst during the first eight months of the relationship, when we were just friends with benefits because I couldn’t commit. I used to feel so bad I had trouble looking people in the eye. It has improved since then but not enough. This year I was finally able to open up to her that I have been feeling like this, despite the intense shame, and she has been really kind and understanding. It helps a bit to tell her whenever it happens, but it doesn’t remove the feelings entirely, which is what I want. I want to feel the happiness that other people seem to feel after having sex, and I want HER to have the experience of me being truly happy about having sex with her, but I just can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I hate myself for being like this, to be honest. It’s ruining both our lives.
I have no sexual or physical abuse in my past (a past girlfriend of mine had been raped before I met her and it did mess me up to see how she suffered) no religious trauma, and my girlfriend is not abusive. She can be bit resentful, subtly aggressive or tense in her tone of voice, but it’s because I have dragged my feet so much with each step of commitment, while she has always been enthusiastic about me. We are both in therapy and she is working on relaxing her body and voice while I am working on commitment. I have made tons of progress, but I still struggle with saying yes to unprotected sex when I still feel bad days afterwards.
Anyone have experience with something like this? Please help!
1 comment
Relationship stressors: It sounds like the issue is less about the sex and more about the mismatch in expectations of the relationship. Women with dating can be much more time restricted If they want to be a mother. It sounds to me like you feel guilty for not necessarily wanting kids or marriage but at the same time don’t want to deprive her of that.
Physical stressors: for the tensing of the jaw and neck and breathing one thing I learned in rehab and therapy is too just force yourself to take long deep breaths and count them out so you’re thinking about counting instead of getting in your thoughts. Also gently massaging your jaw when you do it. When I get stressed I tense up my jaw bad too but now it’s a lot better just cause I’m aware when I do it I know I need to relax take some deep breaths and massage my jaw. Hopefully that helps