Hi everyone. My spouse and I are in our mid-30’s, married for almost 11 years. About 8 years ago, we relocated so my wife and my now 16 yr old stepdaughter could be closer to my wife’s grandparents, parents, and extended family. In that time, her grandparents have all passed, we rarely see her extended family or parents because of falling out, although my stepdaughter has a close relationship with them.
My wife has not worked in ten years 1) because of her health and 2) because she said she was too occupied with being a SAHM. While I was able to find local work when I was at a lower level in my career or found jobs with 2 hr per day commutes, there were no opportunities for advancement. I was lucky enough to get promoted during the pandemic and work remotely when things were so financially rough I thought we’d have to sell our house. Two years later, I hate working remotely and my company/job, I’ve already turned down promotions because they’d require us to relocate so I’ve created a dead end where I’m at, and we’ve largely made it by because of bonuses that I’m not likely to see again.
I’ve looked for jobs locally but there’s not much; lateral or even lower titles with the same or slightly more money. My wife still says she cannot work but she’d be willing to work part time once our daughter gets a license. That wouldn’t even come close to my bonuses but I appreciate the gesture.
Wife says we just need to wait until our daughter graduates and we can do whatever I want but I’ve got the opportunity to relocate for a higher title, higher salary, higher and more reliable bonuses, etc. It’s 5 hours from where we live now and where I’m from.
Now I’m changing gears because this reads: money! But what I’m disappointed about is when I bring these concerns or unhappiness in my career up to my wife, she says to just wait. I’ve brought up our financial troubles many times and she’s had opportunities to work but hasn’t. I brought up living separately so our daughter could finish school or many options in between and she’s said we might as well divorce. I feel like I’m living my life for someone else who is keeping me hanging on by promises in the future.
I love my wife and want to make it work but I’m also feeling like my marriage isn’t as strong as I thought and I should just leave. Thoughts?
8 comments
Do you have a biological kid of your own???
Is it possible to get a place in the other town/city and then commute weekly, as in drive out to the work city on Sunday evening, work all week, and then drive home on Friday night?
I’ve done the long distance relo three times so I know a thing or two about it. We’ve lived in 8 cities in 4 wildly different states.
Younger kids move a lot easier than adults and my kids proved that out. But they were all younger for both moves. You having a 16-year old gives me pause. I knew a couple who just HAD to move back south to “home” and they yanked their son out of high school and he went from having a bright future and great grades to falling into the wrong crowd and getting arrested for drugs in that new school they moved him to. It’s harder for a high schooler and to him, that was the only home he ever knew and they took everything he was used to away from him.
While I recommend moving to the right people, I gotta go with your wife on this. We stopped moving while all of our kids made it through middle and high school. Our most recent move didn’t happen until the last kid was out of school and gone.
I understand your frustration but her responsibility and priority right now is her daughter. She’s 16 and uprooting her now would not be good for her. In the long run, when you look back at your marriage, and your relationship with your stepdaughter it will have Ben worth it.
Have you looked into negotiating half /half work from home? Maybe they can allow you to expense the hotel stay?
My employer has arrangements with employees to do 2 days a week at an extended stay hotel and 3 days at home with the agreement to go full time at work within a certain time span. My employer have not choice because now good talent isn’t going to sacrifice their family for their jobs.
Talk to a career career coach.
Make the move and have her move with you when step daughter is done. You’ve tried to compromise and have the give and take that a marriage requires. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you.
Because in 2 years she’s going to find another excuse. If the daughter goes to college and stays local, it’s going to be “i can’t be that far from her”. The goalposts keep changing.
From what you’ve said, you’ve given her plenty of chances to step up and she just hasn’t. Let her know, either she’s getting a full time job and you stay or you’re going.
I don’t like ultimatums usually but at some point you gotta choose you and your well being. You sound miserable and your wife is just doing nothing to alleviate
Why can’t the daughter move is it a super prestigious school or something? Because if it’s just a normal school then there are normal schools everywhere. You guys should move to where there’s more money. Also just staying until she graduates or something I mean come on, if she’s really smart try and transfer her to a good school. Honestly college names aren’t even that important, it’s the career she chooses that determine if you makes decent money or not. Just move, more money for everyone. I had to move like 5 times when I was a kid, horribly bullied still ended up doing well. There were kids that didn’t move at all and got a lot more attention, just did average, different priorities. If your kid has the right priorities in life, it doesn’t matter where they go. Make sure she hangs out with the top students that think drugs are stupid and you should be ok.
If you are the breadwinner of the family, she should support your career aspirations that will benefit you and your family long term. It sounds like it’s time to move your family.
If she is throwing the divorce word around then I’d take her on the offer. Then she’d HAVE to get a job and realize how good she had it with you. Her inflexibility while she doesn’t provide financially, is not something you should negotiate.
May I ask, what exactly is she so busy doing? Her daughter is in high school, so she isn’t actually taking care of her during most of the day. She can work in the daytime and pick up the slack while her daughter is at school. Hell, she can pick up a 12 hour shift and her daughter would be alright -It’s not as if she is a toddler-
Anyway, I wish you luck! ☘️