We had a really healthy sex life until something really bad happened to me 2 years agoe. It kind of fizzled out after that and I’ve found myself rejecting him so often that he doesn’t initiate anymore, and neither do I. We have sex maybe once or twice a month now, and I want that to change. I know he’s desperate for it to change.
Things weren’t great, but we still connected in other ways. Our relationship has endured the dry spell and the trauma, and now I’m ready to have sex again. My problem is that I am so nervous, I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m so worried that despite wanting it, I won’t enjoy it. I’m worried I’ll be awkward and unsexy. I don’t have a whole lot of body confidence, but I want to do this. I have no idea how to initiate. That’s my main problem, because despite wanting it, he has said he wants to leave it up to me because he doesn’t want to pressure me. I love this man so much but I have no idea how to do this!
I could really use some tips on getting out of my own head, and some practical tips on how to initiate. Even if it’s simple stuff, I just have no idea how to even get there anymore.
Tl;Dr: I had a trauma, it put me off sex. I had an IUD fitted, it awakened my sex drive. I’m now horny with no idea how to initiate. And I’m very nervous.
9 comments
Outright saying “I’d really like to have sex with you” is an entirely possible tactic. I know it sounds daunting but men frequently miss hints
Honestly, just let your instincts go. If you feel good in something, wear it. If you look good in a certain makeup, put it on. If you like your hair done a certain way. do it.
Was there stuff you used to do before sex like years ago. Music, porn, candles, etc? Do that stuff to. Just understand he loves you. Trust me, no person is staying with that little sex unless he loves his partners. Trust me, I know.
Like me, I like to be bit and me ear nibbled. But hey the old cuddle, butt wiggle trick is a classic boner causer lol. If there is something you know he likes just play with him a little bit. Then wants he gets old heated, dirty talk him about what you want him to do to you. Then, I know for me, if you would hop on top and say some nasty things to me I would ready to go. However, I like it when a women initiates and takes control.
Trust me, it will work. good luck.
P:S
Sorry for your trauma. Glad to see you better and healing. Just know, you are beautiful and deserve love. He loves you and wants you. Good luck.
some ideas.
* have a phrase that is normal to say in public but means you are in the mood “look at the sky” “I am feeling very light today”. find something you can say in a mall that no one would care if they heard. you can make a game out of it. This is to tell him it is ok to initiate and is not pressuring you.
* wear something that means you’re in the mood. a specific bracelet or something that he can look for that means it is ok to flirt with you and go further.
* tell him directly “I am in the mood, get to the bedroom”
* lastly, talk with him about how you are feeling and that it is not easy to start things up again, maybe he can help figure things out with you.
Since you have had trauma in the past and I do not know what it is (we do not need to know), consider having safe words too. I usually use the works “Yellow” and “Red”, fairly sure you can tell what they mean. things might bubble up in the moment and you want to stop or slow down, the words “no” or “stop” really suck in the moment.
Communicate a lot. Tell him what you wrote here, and tell him you don’t know what to do but you want to figure it out together. Maybe go to marriage counseling. You never know what kind of hurt he has bottled up trying to be a good partner, and it might come out ugly without someone to help guide the conversation.
Communication is key…. let him know you needed time to heal and you know it wasn’t easy for either of you. Appreciation goes far with men if they feel you are being genuine. Now is when you turn it up…. tell him you found your self/center and your desire/passion again and can’t wait to explore with him.
My wife has the same problem. She asks me if I want to cuddle which is code for I want to have sex or be intimate and see what happens. She also asks me if I’m going to take a shower which is code for I want to have sex. She jumps in the other shower at the same time. You could even hand him a special object in the house like a knickknacks. You could hug him and nibble on his ear lobe or wisper I want you in his ear while hugging him. Have fun with it. Be creative. Enjoy!
Why don’t you have a conversation with him via text about this if you find it difficult face to face? Tell him you have experienced a lot of healing and you feel ready to step up your sex life. Ask him if there is something he would like to do to you or he wants you to to him that night.
I can imagine that would be all it takes to be off to the races.
Have you talked with a therapist about what happened a few years ago?
Men are simple. Just woop your parts out and 110% of the time youll get what you need