I [26M] have been with my fiancée [28F] for 5 years now. I love her to bits and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We have some kind of fight (as in, someone’s feelings get hurt) every few months, but always talk it out and 9 times out of 10 we’ve made up the same day. But now, an issue from a couple of days ago has blown up a bit, and neither of us wants to back down.
The past year or so, my fiancée has developed a crush on a local celebrity (a member of a local band). I’m fine with that, I’m not the jealous type at all, and while I’ve never really had a celebrity crush, I was pretty into anime as a teenager so get the concept of parasocial relationships.
In the last few months, she’s made a Twitter fan account, bought gifts for him, and booked tickets for us to got to one of his concerts. She spends a lot of time listening to his band’s music, and has been collecting their merchandise. I’ve encouraged her all the way, and while the level of obsession has made me a bit uncomfortable, I’m glad that she’s found a hobby she really enjoys and helped her buy the tickets.
During the concert, she was picked out to go up on stage, where she held hands and danced with him. This hurt a a bit to watch, but I could see she was really happy so I was happy for her.
When we got home, I said that seeing her holding hands with him and dancing with him did hurt a bit to watch. I understand that I hadn’t set boundaries in advance, and even if I had, when you’re on stage everything happens quickly and it’s hard not to go along with it, so it’s fine, but I’d like her not to do stuff like that in the future.
She got very upset at this, saying that I’ve ruined her night and that I shouldn’t be hurt because he’s a celebrity so it’s fine. She’s talked with her friends and family about it, and they all say that it’s fine as long as it’s a celebrity so I shouldn’t be hurt. She says that if I did the same thing she’d have no problem with it.
My position is: we clearly have different ideas of what is and isn’t okay when it comes to parasocial relationships. That’s okay, but I’d like her to acknowledge that she’s hurt me (unintentionally) and that she’ll try not to do so in the future. I’m also more uncomfortable with the level of obsession she has with this guy than before.
Her position is: I’m making a big deal out of nothing. She didn’t do anything wrong, so there’s nothing to apologize for and she will do it again if the chance arises. She’s very unhappy with me for ruining the memory of that night and tainting the “fandom” for her. She’s said that I should ask people online about it, and they’ll tell me that it’s fine, so this post is also that, I guess.
This has put a pretty big divide between us since the concert. She’s not talking to me apart from to coordinate meals. I’ve tried to break the ice, but she’s either not replying or replying with short, one sentence answers.
What do I do here? It seems like we both feel like our positions are obviously right, and neither of us would be happy backing down on something like this. I can’t think of a good compromise that solves the issue cleanly.
45 comments
If your position is exactly as you have portrayed, then you are not being unreasonable. You admit the boundary was not there before, and you want her to understand your feelings and not repeat it. She shouldn’t have to apologize because as you admitted, being on stage causes everything to go crazy fast. But saying you didn’t like it, and requesting she not do it again is reasonable. She should be able to recognize the boundary and not break it.
That having been said, I can’t help but feel there is more to the story, however. For every single person she relates the story to to take her side, either she is lying or there is more than you are letting on. And her anger does not seem justifiable given the situation, so she either has a really strong obsession, or you said something you didn’t mention here.
Well dancing and laughing is something you can do not only with your partner, plenty do. So in that regard it’s highly insecure of you.
With said, if she is such a crazy fun of him should be properly noticed by him and be invited to something more “private” would she accept his invitation and it’s potential implication? This may not remain purely theoretical question.
> bought gifts for him
Wut
>she will do it again if the chance arises.
This is the real problem here.
You’ve communicated that it was too far and upsetting – and her reply is to attempt to invalidate your feelings, then on top of that telling you that **she will do it again** (given the opportunity) means that she does not respect your boundaries.
If someone does not respect your boundaries – they do not respect you and your relationship with them.
It is not “controlling” to enforce your personal boundaries, if she does not respect them you need to enforce that boundary by ending the relationship.
What if he asked her to sleep with him. Would that be ok because its only a celebrity crush. Her behaviour is over the top when she is in a relationship. She should have more respect for you or not be in a relationship with you and be free to pursue her obsession.
she has shown you that her celebrity crush is more important then your feelings and boundaries. Also sounds a bit obsessive on her part with the extent she is going to prove she is normal on this, making a fan page is fine but she has a full blown obsession with this guy, whats next she says its ok to sleep with him because hes a celebrity? just because hes a “celebrity” doesnt mean she gets to act single with him or go over the top about him, she still needs to be respectful towards you and your engagement. To add ontop of her current behaviour she is giving the silent treatment towards you instead of being an adult and communicating, she has some growing up to do if she acts this way over a celebrity crush.
So basically she knows she hurt you unintentionally by doing something that upset you. She told you that she doesn’t care that what she did hurt your feelings and that she’d freely do it again if given the opportunity…… Just wow.
She basically told you that her celebrity crush is more important to her than you or your relationship…. I’d think long and hard about staying with someone who shows you such little respect…..
This issue here is that he is a local celebrity and she gives him gifts and has a fan account so it seems like he knows who she is and that’s why she was brought onstage. She wasn’t a random audience member. You are right to be upset about this and to wonder what else could happen. He’s in a band and she is a groupie and band members have only one use for groupies. But the bigger problem is that she is 28! She’s not a teenager with a crush. She is a 30 year old woman acting like she’s 16. That is not normal. You should not be encouraging her obsession. So you are right and she is wrong. And if her friends and family think it ok for her to have a celebrity crush at her age, no wonder she has a problem understanding it.
She sounds terrible
So, since he’s a celebrity, does that mean she can have sex with him? Hey, he’s a celebrity so it’s ok? Regardless of what she thinks is ok or not, you’re not comfortable with it, they’re your boundaries. Obviously she doesn’t respect them, as she said she’ll do it again. So , the question really is what are you going to do about it? Also, he’s a local celebrity, as in he lives in your area? He’s not Taylor swift, kind of extreme for such a fan club? Even gifts dude? Fucken weird if you ask me.
So the thing with a celebrity crush is that it’s basically a very specific daydream – you can buy their merchandise and look at their pictures and go see their movies/shows/whatever, but at the end of the day it’s unattainable. Or it’s supposed to be.
I think you’re feeling like your girlfriend crossed a line because suddenly it was no longer unattainable: she was up there on stage with him, sharing the same space. Of course you’re feeling weird about it. And your girlfriend’s reaction is to basically double down and say it’s the best thing ever and she’d do it again? I’m sure your mind, conscious or subconscious, is wondering exactly what she’d be willing to do if he asked and excuse it all under “celebrity crush so it’s fine”. When the reason a celebrity crush is fine is that nothing is ever gonna happen.
And it sounds like you didn’t freak out at her for her actions creating feelings you didn’t expect, you just drew a boundary for future actions – that’s the right thing to do. I think it’s fine for you to set the boundary of “hey I’m glad you enjoyed that but it made me uncomfortable to see you with him in person”. I’m fine with my spouse having crushes, but if they had one on a friend or coworker or a person they saw in the gym occasionally, that would be a problem for me.
But at the end of the day it’s up to her to agree to this boundary of yours or not – if she refuses, is this enough of a dealbreaker to end the relationship? Or would you still want to be with her, knowing this might not stop and she might see nothing wrong with going further than holding his hand, because it’s “just a celebrity crush”?
The good news is that she isn’t your wife. Frankly, why you’d want to marry someone that you fight with regularly is beyond me. And I really doubt that her friends and family said “it’s fine because he’s a celebrity.” I feel like that’s a line she fed you that’s either total bullshit, or her friends and family are trash. You don’t get an automatic pass on boundaries just because the other person is a celebrity. That’s flicking ridiculous.
And frankly, if she’s buying this guy gifts, and such for this guy, that’s going too far for someone in a committed relationship.
Hold off on marrying her until you guys have gone a year without fighting, and get some couple counseling to help mediate the differences in your ideas of what’s appropriate behavior in a relationship.
Man you need to grow a spine. But hey you want to be naive when she cheats and says it’s because he is a celebrity don’t start crying because she showed you the signs but you didn’t want to read them. It’s fine being a fan of someone but she is completely crossing the line.
OP…. why the hell is BUYING GIFTS for a celebrity normal?
Also OP…..
>She’s talked with her friends and family about it, and they all say that it’s fine as long as it’s a celebrity so I shouldn’t be hurt. She says that if I did the same thing she’d have no problem with it.
WHAT IS SHE SAYING “IS FINE BECAUSE ITS A CELEBRITY”?
ASK her if she means cheating
You’re allowed to have boundaries. “Don’t hold hands with a guy you have a crush on” seems like a pretty fucking normal one to me imho.
I think I am..ore upset that her friends and family support her and say it’s ok because it’s a celebrity. But yet don’t fully see her obsession woth such celebrity..
Look, my celebrity crush is Henry Cavill (swoon), but if I ever got the chance to meet him and I unintentionally crossed a boundary line which made my husband feel uncomfortable, I would feel absolutely horrified and terrible and really shit about myself that I could hurt the man who loves and adores me so much. OP the way your fiancé is acting is not healthy or normal or loving. She is being irrational and selfish. You absolutely are within your rights to feel uncomfortable and she does not get to dictate to you how you can and cannot feel and invalidate your feelings and boundaries. You both have a choice however to decide whether you can each live with them or not.
She didn’t know ahead of time that this was a boundary for you, but her reaction is over the top. I dont know if it’s an obsession driving this, but it shows a lack of respect for you and the relationship. Id be willing to forgive the act with proper boundaries set for the future, but pretty upset about the reaction. Honestly, if she’s not willing to respect your boundaries and you’re not willing to put up with this behavior, you may be incompatible. Also possible, she’s just really stubborn and you surprised and embarrassed her about something that really excited her and is being very reactionary. I hope it’s just this and when she calms down she will be more reasonable. If not I’d consider how you want to move forward.
An example here: to some people, having sex with others is not a problem. My ex was not a monogamous type of person. When we got together, since I was monogamous, he accepted to be only with me. But if i hadn’t set clear boundaries, it would have been normal for him to have sex with others, because it was only physical.
So for him, my boundary didn’t make sense, in the way that he didn’t feel this was a boundary to him and monogamy wasn’t what people should do. But since it was something that would hurt me, him having sex with others, he agreed not to. Because what mattered was him not crossing this boundary, since he loved me.
Imagine if he had said “your boundary is just non sense, there is no reason to feel this way because i believe that people should not be monogamous so you are wrong to believe they can be. So you are in the wrong, and i won’t respect that boundary. You are trying to control me, be preventing me to sleep around and have fun. And if i get the chance to do it, you can bet your ass i’m gonna do it”
That’s what your fiancée told you about your boundary. To me this is a huge red flag, especially given her age… She sounds so immature!
Having a celebrity crush, okay. But buying them presents, and acting single with them, nope. She is regressing in maturity. And maybe that’s why she is so obsessed, like she had to be mature from a young age and in this crush she feels like a teenager and there is a sort of relief from psychological weight in being a teenager and not having responsabilites. And so she goes full immature about it.
I think you shouldn’t base your boundaries on what others tell you is right or wrong (her friends and family, her or your friends and family, or people on the internet). You have to base them on how you feel about things. Everybody has different boundaries. Being with someone and respecting them involves respecting their boundaries, even when we don’t understand them.even when we find them weird
Maybe consider doing some couple’s counseling to address the issue in a safe space
The second her crush became more important than your fair boundary and feelings, it became a problem. Personally, I would have issues with my spouse sending gifts and if your partner is reading this with you. You owe him an apology for not only acting in a way that made your partner uncomfortable but also acting like a toddler afterward.
Oh, I read this post to my partner, and the mi ute I got to the part of her not being upset if the roles were reversed, he cracked uo.
This has gotten out of hand. She is spending money on him and now they have interacted physically. It’s no longer some abstract celebrity crush, it is manifesting into something real and I fear that she would cheat if given the opportunity. I’d honestly ask her what she’d do if he propositioned her for sex.
Reminded me of that post where the guys wife had an orgy with a band member, she was cheating a lot before even that but still. Super weird.
I get the “cool factor” in meeting a celebrity, and you cant really stop them from holding your hands or worse but ur reaction was as nice as anyone could expect and she couldnt even promise not to try and go on stage again. You sound great if you didnt blow up on her or act insanely jealous that couldve happened with some other people.
I think the bigger issue for me would be the fangirling. I understand sometimes you might “fancy” a celebrity as they are often extra good looking people, but it seems rude to straight up obsess over them and make you know that.
Just because they are a celebrity doesnt make it a “hall pass” if it bothers your partner. As it fucking should bother in my opinion, they are people
The biggest piece for me is that she disregarded how you were feeling and “would do it again”. You deserve better than that man.
Buying gifts for a celebrity crush isn’t normal and tbh it’s weird af
I’d be petty and find a local female celebrity and say she wanted to do something with you and it’s ok because she’s a celebrity. /s
But honestly something you have to realize is that celebrities are people.
when you say “local celebrity” you lost me. there’s a difference between justin bieber bringing her on stage to sing one less lonely girl to her (which he does once a show) and a random ass man in his 40s that plays in a band on the weekend inviting her on “stage” randomly. having a fan account to indulge in her interests without tying it back to herself personally is fine, but gifts? yikes. this honestly just seems really cringy.
Why does this read like it’s about two teenagers? This isn’t average behavior for a 28 year old woman
I read stories on reddit about women getting more upset than you are when their SO mentions that an actress on a show they’re watching is attractive fairly frequently. The idea that it’s a celebrity is meaningless.
You said you were bothered by her behavior, and she said you had no right to be bothered by it. She is wrong. You have the right to be bothered by whatever it is that bothers you. Physical contact with her weird fan-girl obsession is a line for you. Now what?
How big is your town? I grew up in a town of 1,500 people so I’m just imagining her crushing on Roderick from “Loded Diaper” and calling him a celebrity! But seriously, I can’t imagine this guy is a celebrity of any sorts 😂
“She says that if I did the same thing she’d have no problem with it.” Doesn’t matter. You are talking about how YOU feel and your boundaries. She is showing no respect for you. I don’t see how him being a celebrity matters. Especially being local and well possible.
She has an infatuation, she’s blinded because this figure is also viewed as largely unobtainable, this is probably also why others are supporting her.
Truth be told, whether that’s true or not, she should respect your feelings on this. This is such a petty and childish thing for her to get hung up on. You’ve supported her interests so far, now you’re establishing a reasonable boundary, you don’t want this to progress to a physical aspect.
1 question, when are you planning to dump her? until you catch her in the backstage doing some nasty stuff? come on dude the writing is on the wall , this is not some normal fandom , shes a groupie and she will get it regardless of your feelings.
It’s ok to have a crush on a celebrity, but this isn’t about that. If he weren’t a celebrity, and just some random guy, which, to some people he is, her behavior wouldn’t be acceptable. Honestly, I think her behavior isn’t acceptable, it comes off a tad bit creepy when your parasocial relationship is a real person whom you could actually cheat with. The biggest problem is that it hurt you, and instead of acknowledging your hurt feelings she said that you’re not allowed to have them. She can’t do that. She can’t tell you how you’re allowed to feel about her dancing and being all lovey dovey with some guy. You’ve been very accepting of her obsession, and she’s acting like you’re in the wrong to be jealous after she crossed a line. She does know that she has no chance with this guy, right?
If he had invited her to sleep with him as a groupie, do you think she’d have done it? Because I do. She’s like an obsessed groupie and that’s troublesome, i.m.o.
What next? He’s rich so it’s fine. He is really attractive so it’s fine. Just stop now. Your GF/fiancee(cringe) has a lot of growing up to do. She is 28 and putting a ‘celebrity crush’ ahead of you. Her behavior is out of bounds and shows zero respect for you and your relationship. She is not ready for marriage and monogamy with anyone. And this is not a hobby.
Yeah, im not sure thats cool. My wife and i are very open about finding other people attractive because its totally normal to find someone physically attractive when you’re in a relationship (and denying you do isn’t really honest). Normally its just some random or someone on TV or whatever so its nothing but once my wife told me that she found herself feeling really attracted to a friend of a friend of mine. Like obviously she wouldn’t cross any lines but she wanted me to know and also took pains to make sure we agreed on boundaries with that person. We never really see him and im not a jealous person so it was nothing but i appreciated the consideration and honesty she showed.
In your case your partner is being honest about crushing on this dude but isnt taking steps to consider your feelings etc. I think you’re being super understanding about it and that’s really wonderful, don’t lose that. But there needs to be reciprocity. You’re seeing things from her perspective and trying not to be possessive or jealous, but that respect also needs to be returned.
Your discomfort is warranted as she has crossed the line of it just being a ‘celebrity crush.’
If she isn’t willing to hear your out, then you have some serious thinking to do.
>She’s said that I should ask people on line
I don’t think she’s going to like the answer.
What she did hurt you.
You communicated your feelings to her.
She ignored that she hurt you.
She blames you for ruining her night (of hurtful behavior).
She said she’d do it again if she could (effectively saying that 2 minutes with her celebrity crush mean more to her than your feelings and her relationship to you).
Basically, this relationship is all about her, and so it seems, she’s ready to move on. Even if you get past this, the chance of the two of you having a successful marriage are all but impossible. She’s shown that at her core, she doesn’t care about you or your feelings.
Local celebrity, so chances of running into him are pretty high.
She made a fan page and buys him gifts, (wow) got it.
So chances are she’ll go to more shows and coukd get called up again and has made it clear she will do so and to hell with your feelings.
My man you have a problem. I don’t care if her family and friends agree, she’s not in this relationship with them it is with you. I also fail to believe she would be fine with it if the shoe were on the other foot.
Also, once this dies down what’s the next big thing to take it’s place where your feelings don’t matter?
I mean, you kind of have it laid out in front of you as to what the options are.
For me, I’d just be done. I’m not playing 2nd fiddle to some celebrity crush.
She sounds a little immature to me. Not even hearing you out. You weren’t trying to ruin her night. I don’t think your request for her to just acknowledge your feelings is unreasonable at all. You encourage her as often as you can. She is throwing a childish fit. Don’t dump her but don’t back down either. She needs to grow the f up.
You win the argument OP. So now that you won what is she going to do ?
So, she’s fucking him?
I hope your fiancé does read these responses because this isn’t normal and it’s not okay. Also, buying gifts is really weird and creepy stalker territory.
Sorry but your fiancé would drop you like a rock if said celebrity came calling. Her infatuation with him is beyond any level of normal. And her invalidating your feelings isn’t okay either.
Don’t even think about a wedding until or unless this is resolved.