Lesbian fantasizing about a guy

I’m sooo sorry, but there’s a LOT of extra information because I really want help with this, and want to try to help you understand, so I can gain some understanding out of all of this. Jump to paragraph 3 for the bulk of the story!

I (18F) have been back and forth with labeling my sexuality and understanding what I’m attracted to since I can remember. In middle school, growing up in an online environment for all of my childhood, I had been exposed to many things that someone my age shouldn’t have seen. These made me form many expectations for what I should want VS. what I actually wanted. I’ve always been easily moved by smooth talkers and people who can make me laugh (and a pretty face doesn’t hurt either), so there were 1 or 2 dudes who flirted with me, and I’d flirt back enjoying the attention as a little girl with low self esteem and lower expectations.

I’ve been through much worse as I grew up and made my way through my teen years, and after an experience with being SA’ed in in my Freshman year of HS by 2 older girls I thought I could trust, I was at my lowest and more confused than ever. The following school year was during 2020, and I came across the lesbian masterdoc online, which many younger lesbians my age will know very well. I sort of spiraled, at home all year with no friends, and my best friend since 5th grade (18F) who I was totally in love with, ghosting me, I had to learn to keep up a good and heavy shield from other people. After coming to the realization that I was indeed a lesbian, and had never truly been attracted to any of the guys I’d had crushes on, I felt a weight come off of my shoulders.

My Junior year, last school year, I started dating my current girlfriend (17F) a little after NYE 2022, but I wasn’t over my bsf of 5 years and was overwhelmed by how angry I was at her, so not the best foundation for a relationship! My gf and I (of almost a year now) have REALLY had our ups and downs, but I’m honestly trying to end things soon, before we start college definitely. We’ve never slept together, because of my many, many mental health problems and severe insecurities with everything about myself, but we joke about sexual things and flirt because thats what you do with real friends and in relationships. This has led many people in my life, including her, to think that I’m not the virgin that I am, but I am by far extremely inexperienced, even if I am knowledgeable. To give you the entire picture, I haven’t even had an orgasm before at this point in my life lol.

One of our most recent jokes between our friend group has been my hypothetical idea of an orgy because how hilarious would that be?? My gf has actually been trying to make this happen though, and has even chosen a weekend for the 8 of us to come over while her parents are on vacation. In trying to make this a reality, yesterday she jokingly asked one of our favorite underclassmen friends (M16) to join in the orgy. Before all of this, like a week ago, I had already masturbated while thinking about him more than once.

Some info on him, he’s hilarious, partly because he’s always high in class, and has thin poofy hair thats always in his face, but when he pulls it back, has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. I’ve always been a total sucker for guys with pretty eyes, especially in middle school, so I shouldn’t be surprised. He also holds reallyyy intense eye contact when he talks so these coupled together are the perfect recipe for sexual confusion.

We all have class together, and when asked yesterday he laughed and said no (thank god) but today when my gf was absent, it was just the 2 of us for an hour. Lots of laughing and eyecontact ensued. My gf and I are always talking fixing his hair so he had me touch it a bit. His friend walks over and they’re making fun of each other, I get up to turn in my work and walk back where they’re both kind of quieter, but still talking for a second. His friend just blurts out “He likes you” in the most middle school way ever, and my friend sits in front of me staying silent under his shroud of hair. So I’m like “I doubt that, but I’m lesbian so 🤷‍♀️” and he stays silent. Then his friend leaves and we pick the convo back up, but at the end of class he teases me like usual, but throws something at me with an unusual amount of force. He does this for the last 10 minutes of class pretty much in between convo and it just left me more confused.

So what do I do? More than I feel guilty for thinking about someone else other than my gf, I feel conflicted in my identity. So much in my life isn’t permanent or stable, so its hard to be unsure of one of the few things I felt right about after already struggling with it for so long.

TLDR;
I (F18), a virgin lesbian, joked about an orgy between our friends and gf (F17) is committed to the idea, to my dismay. We asked our guy friend (M16), who I had met through her to join hypothetical orgy and he said no. I had already been thinking about him sexually for a week at that point. Today in class, gf was absent, things felt flirty between guy friend and I, and his friend said he liked me, and he didn’t deny it. I said, “Well, I’m a lesbian..” and he stayed silent. I think I just like the attention, and maybe even the idea of cheating on my gf? I feel like I’m hurting them both somehow, but I haven’t been openly flirty with him at all. I treat him the same as all of my close friends, M or F. HELP!