I have this guy who I’ve been texting with for some time. He is a lot older than me and I (F21) don’t find him attractive or anything, but he says he doesn’t want anything beyond friendship so I don’t mind.
He calls me ‘cute’ and compliments me a lot. Having found out I’m prepping for an exam, he bought me some textbooks. He says it’s fine and it’s a gift and wants to give it to me in person or send it to me by delivery.
Now he’s asking me out somewhere claiming it’s not a date. He knows I have social anxiety so he assures me he would try his best not to cross my boundaries (“If you don’t feel like talking we can just sit in silence, I’m fine with that”). I don’t want to go and I’m terrified to tell him that. I feel like I owe him something for how far he goes out of his way for me.
Is that what friends do for each other? I’ve had few friends before due to my mental health state, so I have almost nothing to compare with.
For me it’s normal to panic over any social interaction; is it just me or is this man scary?
2 comments
You owe him nothing. He gave you gifts, not contracts. I am with you on the possibility he’s scary. I’m side-eyeing his insistence on giving you gifts when he wants and how he wants. I have a friend who really would just give gifts like this, but not if the giftee showed signs of being uncomfortable, which you must have. Now he is again being pushy… Say no and don’t go. Yes, this is terrifying to do. Do it anyway, because there are two possibilities here, and you will only find out which by saying no:
1) He really is a friend who genuinely wants the good for you. Forcing yourself to go will make you miserable for no reason, and him miserable because he cannot be happy at making you unhappy. Saying no will result in him saying he understands, and nothing worse. You will gain experience in standing up for yourself and in healthy relating.
2) He is a manipulator who keeps telling you he doesn’t want anything, because he already clocked that making you feel obligated with unasked-for favors is the best way to get you to do what he wants. Forcing yourself to go will let him know you’re a great target, and the boundary-pushing will escalate. Saying no will also result in him pushing harder (asking you ‘why not?’, talking like you have to have a reason, etc.), but you will know to get away from and block him.
In short, yes, there are people in this world who are simply kind. There are also manipulators. There’s a book, “The Gift of Fear,” which may be helpful for you to read on this subject. The most important thing for avoiding the manipulators is learning to say no and stand by it.
Is there a big age difference? If so you’re being groomed.