Someone (29M) I’m seeing (25F) told me randomly that he is a sadist, i didn’t know what exactly that was so when I asked what does he mean, he changed the topic and didn’t bring it up again. Any advice from people who have been in this kind of relationships?

5 comments

1. He has a kink and wants to know if you would enjoy being spanked or something similar. If it is something you are into, maybe talk to him about it and get some details on what he likes. If you are not into that at all, also let him know, and he needs to decide if he can have a relationship without this.

   I would not assume he is a bad person or anything. In the kink community, all is done with consent.

2. it means he takes pleasure in other people’s pain. it typically is used in a sexual context, so he wants to inflict physical pain on you in order to feel sexual gratification.

3. It means leave now and don’t look back.

4. He shouldn’t drop that and leave you guessing OP. You deserve an explanation.

   I also encourage you to read about sadism to be sure you both are in the same boat.

5. It seems like this person brought up an intense topic without the proper introduction to the topic. It would be better if he started out by talking about intimacy or fantasies (if you two are even at the point to be discussing things like this) before spilling this and then dropping the topic altogether.

   People who are well versed in the BDSM community dont usually announce this to people during a random date or conversation-they usually test the waters in conversation to see how open minded the other party is…

   Sadism, in and of itself, is just the desire to inflict pain on a sexual partner resulting in arousal for them. Sadists can enjoy everything from spanking to more extreme forms of play-and the only way to know what his desires are is for him to share them. Conversations around hard and soft limits should happen in mutually consenting talks before the pair ever gets physical. He might be inexperienced in talking about this stuff-so I have some room for extending grace here but he really needs to learn how to dialogue about his sexual interests.

   You should be looking for him to explain more, establish a safe word if you decide to explore this territory and make sure he has a good understanding of aftercare. If this is a “need” for him, you should be honest with yourself if you’re even interested in this type of play, assuming you’re a legally consenting adult. If you’re not interested, make sure he knows this is a hard limit for you and that he never tests those boundaries. If you simply don’t have experience to know, you should feel safe to share that with him. If you don’t, I’d move on.

   If you feel safe and comfortable, you could try to revisit the conversation and say, “hey, you mentioned you identify as a sadist. I looked it up a bit, is there anything more you wanted to share about that?” And see how he responds. Good luck!