So I dated this girl from 16-19. First serious relationship and all, it was wild and passionate and there’s nothing quite like those FIRST first times. We split over the drive time between our colleges (about 40 min) and also my weird withdrawn behavior (had some terrible stuff happen and wasn’t emotionally mature enough to communicate about it). Anyway, things got messy at the time. Many insults hurled from both of us, mostly me because I was feeling abandoned and was an immature teenager, until we decided a clean break was best for us.
Anyway, I’d carried guilt about how I handled our breakup since almost immediately after we started talking. About 3-4 years ago, I sent her an email to apologize and got a response from her friend, who told me that she was not still angry, but also didn’t want to talk to me ever again.
Up to the present day, I’ve had multiple long term relationships and now am even engaged. I stumbled upon my ex’s art (she is a successful artist) and had the most frustrating realization that what I’d been looking for in every relationship since is the exact same thing as I’d had with my ex. Even with my fiancée, most of the things that made me fall in love with her were qualities that she shared with my ex, and the things that frustrate me are the differences between them.
I should specify as well that my fiancée and I are polyamorous, so rekindling some things with my ex is not out of the question, though I’d never tell her about the comparisons between the two.
Anyway, I’ve had a wild time here, realizing I’m not over someone I haven’t seen in 6 years. In my head, I’ve went through multiple crazy ideas to reach out to her, including getting her attention by buying a ton of her art, but I know I should not make contact, right? Given the response last time I reached out, I think I should be assuming that is still the case, but I might need help not to try.
TL;DR!
I just realized I never got over my high school/college gf. We had a bad split years ago, but I still shouldn’t reach out, right?
2 comments
Therapy. Whatever you have going on with the ex, the solution doesn’t lie with her. You’re idealizing something you had in highschool with very different circumstances. Many people do this, but usually the magic comes from being a relationship filled with firsts.
You talk about including the ex in your curent relationship, but this is someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you again. She made it clear years ago. This ex you’re dreaming about also isn’t the person you remember, she grew up and has her own life to live. So even that person doesn’t exist anymore. So your attitude here is pretty presumptous and almost delusional.
You have a fiancée, is she aware of this situation? Before you marry this woman, really look into counseling to figure out if you really want to commit to her. It sounds like this current fiancée is lacking certain hopes and wishes you have and that’s going to bite you later, when you perhaps have kids and assets involved. Would be unfair to lead her on that she’s the person you want to be with if that’s not true.
Dont get it confused, you do not know your ex anymore, she’s not who she was as a teenager. You are putting a fantasy version of her on a pedestal, whatever qualities you think she has are not necessarily true anymore.
Stop looking at her art and forgive yourself for treating her badly. She’s forgiven you. But I’ll repeat that you don’t know this person anymore, you are comparing your fiance to a fantasy that doesn’t exist.
Therapy might not be a bad idea to consider