Hot and Heavy

I am (F 41) who has known and remained in touch for past 22 years since college with my guy (M 40) who was in military reserves at that time.

TL;DR:
Im at a point, where the older I get or we
(F 41)(M 40) age … Our relations of being one on one
(over past 2 yrs)
as each other’s consistent partner…
carrying on w/ in our situationship / entanglement…
now, should matter, as not loose or casual… that we should be defined as monogamous!
Without boyfriend/girlfriend label.

In regards to if my (M 40) has other lovers similar to me, is the root of Question!!

Brief background:
He (M 40) lives nearby; part-time
Only mon-fri as close as 45min up to one hour away, from me. No, I don’t ask him to come over during the week, and he knows to leave me alone. It smooth cause we both are swamped with work. G

My guy (M 40) has two teenagers w/ two different Baby Mamas one child/ teen daughter 17yrs lives with baby mama, up northern California in Redding.

He (M 40) never married but adores Baby Mama #1. and tried to make it work over past 17 yrs.
Also, he is very close to this baby mama parents. He (M 40) also refers to his baby mama’s 1st daughter, as his own. Although never married, and no longer living together for most recent past 4 years (2018-2022) still says he has a total of three kids & calls the 19 yr old step daughter, his actual daughter.

2nd teenager that my (M 40) has is a 16.5 year boy, who lives in opposite area on grid, in Las Vegas.

Because I (F 41) myself have two teenage sons from one previous marriage of 18yrs– ( 19yr and 16 yr old boys) and I am working 7/24…
Our situationship is unspoken and by actions, we decided since each of us don’t have time to physically be in each others lives daily /weekly, this is what works with both him and I.

We cannot regularly see each other.
Only as little as once or twice a month …No, once a month.

Mostly because, he’s also has 100% committed to work responsibilities and being a single parent 50% [ similar to myself/ for me I’m a Mom 100%] and in general, he (M 40) is always traveling to visit his teenage kids
(one girl in Redding CA and son, in Las Vegas) its just been convenient for both of us to meet as little as once a month.

I (F 41) actually dont ask of anything at all from my guy (M 40) no monies or no help w/ gas or bills.
We never go out on dates regularly, and I dont demand it! As Im just simple, and grateful to spend intimate time together.

Now that I notice he (M 40) is having a particular patern of this situation and as of recent has acted peculiar. To be clear there’s no substance abuse and he has been a 95% recovered alcoholic.

I give him (my M 40) credit for being 100% upfront when or if he has slipped, and had at least one or two drinks on a special occasion.

The concern is, these past two months I just noticed he has trouble seeing me during the day for example from 12noon til 8:00pm. Only as late as 9:00/9:30 or 10:00pm.

Then, he will switch it up. XXXX
if he visits me during the day XXX
he has not been able to regularly stay the night.
Must leave by 8:00pm.

Im aware of his previous lifestyle of tearing it up at the club, as recent as 3 years ago. Before Pandemic.

Im comfortable, and happy w/ his female and male friends.

Likewise, he’s not jealous of my few guy friends. Such as, if my neighbor or co-worker male friends hit me up or of my platonic friendships w/ me.

Question:
Im looking for a clever way to find out if his so called female friends are more than platonic.

Such as, I suspect If there’s another woman similar to me that he only sees once a month.

Only because, my (M 40) use to frequently come onto me more regularly over live phone calls with video chat and stopped doing that, and no longer responds to my texts romantically.
He is always very careful to be polite, and well serious business mannered, and a year ago, he confessed that he is afraid, to catch feelings for me.

To clarify: I am not saying I suspect he’s a liar or cheater.
Merely because we’re not, any type of item. To reiterate, both of us cannot be committed right now. I’m keen on figuring out [on the sly] if he is monogamous w/ me.

I just want clarity to seek truth, if there’s another woman that is similar to me

[ that he might equally have sex with once or twice a month]
& how can I discuss this with him?

In the beginning, as we started seeing each other (2 years ago — soon after Pandemic middle of Pandemic in Feb 2021) he was seeing myself and possibly two other women during same months.
** I have made it a point, to not ever confront him on it because then that will take away the fun between us!

Seeking clarity, and a clever way to confront my (M 40) mate whether or not he has gone back to his old lifestyle.
I want to know specifically if he actually ‘likes’ the lifestyle of regularly seeing two or three or four women at same time frame?

Additional Questions:
** How do I get my (M 40) to tell me if he has or has not been, consistently sexually active w/ all of us, around exact same timeline during same months.
I’m looking at this past spring, and summer when he went to a thrasher 3 day music festival, and this wintertime since fall or October. To be clear, how many of us women has he maybe been with recently since summer time. If not, how do I express that I dont appreciate being treated like a businesses partner or in a platonic way, like a sister.

Last couple questions are:
** Would this man (M 40) Im in a situationship with is what you possibly be called, a jigilo? Lol
not necessarily, a Player…

How do I find out and speak w/ my mr everything Ive known for 22yrs (in a clever way) on what I need, to be in a different or more defined situationship?
& how to figure out what he’s into♡

Thank you all, in advance for your Dear Doctor Nerdlove, advice. Or Dear Prudence advise! 😅🤗