I’m (DFAB NB) in my late 20s, have recently started to be sexually active. There are a few problems I’m having, mainly due to inexperience, an anxiety disorder, and just plain lack of an idea of how to function in a sexual space.

1-My partner is very sweet and he doesn’t force me into anything, but I can be very passive and am a bit of a people pleaser, to my detriment here. To be clear, we are communicating frequently about preferences, what I like and dislike, and he isn’t pushing beyond simply informing me of things he enjoys.

2- He LOVES making out, and I just…find it gross. I am struggling to parse a few conflicting feelings- I sometimes dread seeing him because I know I will try and get better at it or used to it, and I’m stuck between forcing myself to do it to be more “Normal” and more able to function sexually, and in hopes of starting to like it. We have discussed this, he knows I don’t like it and am trying for myself of my own volition. And I’d love to enjoy it! It just grosses me out. Suck a dick? I’m not good at it, but no problem. I have no idea why lips touching mine for an extended period, or tongue, gets me like this. I am attracted to women but I imagine I’ll feel the same about eating out.

I have also not been able to get off or even particularly turned on during sexual activity except on my own with a vibrator- I’m not particularly worried about it, I have anxiety issues and I think it’ll “clear up” after more sexual experience. I am also horrific at multitasking, so I can’t concentrate on any of these new tasks and feel good at the same time. It’s not his fault, not my fault, just something that I believe will pass in time. We’ve communicated about it. But I’d love to get some input on this from anyone with similar experiences!

On the other hand, I know making out is a bit of a large portion of foreplay- Is there a chance that I am passing over something I can get used to that will “warm me up” for sex? Or does anyone have advice for foreplay that doesn’t involve deep or tongue kissing?

I feel like this is all pretty basic stuff I missed out on by not dating much as a kid when people were having messy, teenage fumbles.

Any advice? This is all pretty simple, but I thought I’d throw it out there because I don’t really talk about sex with my friends.

2 comments

  1. I feel like most women have a problem with the focus it takes to have a orgasm.

    You have to figure out what turns you on and then keep that as your mental focus no matter what else is going on.

    Try sesual back rubs to get you in the mood. Also instead of tongue kissing just do soft kissing on the neck and ear. It seems like you already have good communication so just let him know you want to try something new.

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