I have 3 kids ages 12,8, and 4. They are good, healthy children, that do well in school. They also love their paternal grandma very much.
My MIL came down this month to spend the holidays with the family. She lives far so we don’t see her often. We have a big home so I sat her up a nice room in the house.
Shortly after she arrived she offered me her food card. I declined several times as my family doesn’t need assistance with food. I thought she should keep it. However she insisted and said she wanted to buy treats for the kids and that it was “Christmas after all.”
Fast forward to last weekend and I came home from work. The kids all rushed me and asked if we could have “Family Movie Night” and watch Home Alone and drink hot cocoa. I thought it was a great idea and agreed. I told them to start making their drinks while I changed.
In the other room I overheard their grandma come into the room and start scolding them. She said “I knew you all would do this. You’ve really started something you know that! I’m never buying that (cocoa) again.”
Shocked, I came out of my room and said “you know what. Don’t worry about it. I will replace it in the morning. “ She rolled her eyes and went to her room.
The next morning I went to the grocery store before work and bought a bunch of snacks and her replaced the hot chocolate. I then instructed my children to only eat what I bought and went to work.
Around lunch time I started getting texts from my kids that their grandma wouldn’t let them eat the food. They told me they let her know I bought them the food and that her reply was “actually I really bought it because it was my food card.” She went further to tell them that they “act like they have to eat all the time.”
At this point I called her and let her know I did not use her food card and that if she didn’t want the kids to eat what she bought that she should bring it into her room and also not buy them anymore food. She hung up on me.
Afterwards I started getting messages from my kids that they were “scared.” And that their grandma was slamming doors and yelling that she is never coming back to our house again. The kids were crying at this point and scared of what their grandma would do.
I had my husband call his mother. Idk what all was said but when I got home she wouldn’t look at me let alone speak to me.
I want her to go home. I’d buy the ticket. I don’t trust her around my kids while I’m at work. She chose to take this issue about food out on the children without even having spoke a word to me. I’m not sure if I would’ve even discovered it if I hadn’t accidentally overheard her berating my kids. My husband wants me to let it go, but I feel like something is very wrong with this situation.
46 comments
She sounds mentally unwell? Very bizarre behavior. I don’t think you should leave. The children are home alone with her, perhaps she is suffering from early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s?
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a grandparent, stopping children from eating food, if anything grandparents usually try to stuff children till they explode
Is she on xanax?
Something is very wrong. Family issues are tough, and so it’s very hard for me to vilify your husband in this as we don’t know what he and his mom talked about. He may just be asking you to let it go to keep the peace (which I don’t believe is the correct move) as he just wants to have his mom around for the holidays.
I’m on your side in this. I think your MIL is going too far. I strongly recommend that you find out what your husband said to her, and explain to him that whatever he sad has now made her mad at you. I think your husband needs to understand what’s been happening and be brought the realization that his mom is in the wrong, and that boundaries need to be established.
Also, just to cover all the bases, does his mom suffer from any mental disability?
I’m getting really tired of post after post where the husband sides with his mother instead of his wife.
I would insist she leave. Scaring her grandkids?
Uhhhhhh, you need to kick her out immediately. She sounds psychologically unwell. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my kids. Glad they have a way to communicate with you when you’re not home. I’d send your husband an article or two about the longterm affects of food shaming a child. My parents would berate me for telling them I was hungry and I have a weird relationship with food to this day. I understand you’ve said it’s more about control than the actual food but, it’s impacting your kids in a negative way nonetheless.
Why is she home alone with the kids? Is that the reason for her visit—to babysit over winter break?
She’s got a mental illness. She’s a hoarder. Her behavior makes sense. She may have grown up with food scarcity—that can cause people to be weird and controlling about food.
I wouldn’t kick her out per se but I wouldn’t leave her alone with the kids either.
Your husband is enabling his narcissistic mother and you’re rightfully uncomfortable with having her around the kids. She threw a goddamn temper tantrum and scared the children and she blew up an issue that shouldn’t have been blown up in the first place.
Honestly? “You kids act like you have to eat all the time” would be enough for me to ban her permanently from the house, but Ive already gone no contact with my own toxic ass parents.
Do not leave your kids alone with her.
I read some of your comments that she is more likely to have some kind of hoarding issue than be suffering from dementia. My thought, as a random stranger on the internet, is that she might have trauma around food poverty and is trying to deal with that.
To be totally transparent with you, I don’t think she’s leaving your house before Christmas. Your husband seems to be used to this kind of behavior and is always going to be confused why you and the kids are making a big deal. Remember he came from her house, so he’s always going to be desensitized to her outbursts because he heard them as a kid.
My suggestion is to figure out what she’s actually upset about and what she wants. Give it to her to make peace, then have a serious discussion with your husband after the holidays.
If you think she wants to be the “big food spender” for Christmas, buy some premium items and say you used the card. The kids can eat your “normal” groceries throughout the week, but for Christmas, as a treat, we’re going to have grandma’s super premium hot cocoa and candy, etc. Make a point to frequently say things like “Grandma bought us really nice cocoa, I’m so excited for Christmas!” Stroke her ego, let her feel like the big food spender, whatever to keep the peace.
If you think she just wants to see the food and know it’s there, fill a cabinet and make that the “food storage” cabinet. Tell the kids not to eat from it. Open it often and say “It was so nice of you, MIL, to help us with all this food. We’ll be set for weeks.” Talk about how you don’t have to worry about feeding the kids and you’re so lucky often. Let her feel like she’s the one that got you well fed this Christmas, even if that’s not what happened.
If you think it’s the kids taking “willy nilly” from the stores, make them set lunches and snacks she can pass out. It’s silly, especially with a 12 year old who can get a snack on their own, but she may feel like the kids are “pigging out” without you around. You making specific meals might click in her brain so that she understands that food is for them and they’re not eating you out of house and home.
The only thing I wouldn’t suggest is having the kids eat secretly and/or letting MIL call them fat/greedy/pudgy. Kids need to be able to eat freely and happily, and telling them to hide their eating from grandma (or allowing grandma to attack their bodies) is a horrible recipe for future eating disorders and self confidence issues. She’s gotta be ok with seeing the children eat and she can’t call them greedy/fat/etc while watching. If she’s going to do that, you need your husband to have a serious talk with her.
I hope all of that helps. Good luck!
The hoarding info makes it all make sense. It’s not about the money and who bought what, she’s upset at seeing the ‘hoard’ of food disappear. (It’s not her fault, she’s mentally ill)
When you bought more stuff thinking that would solve the issue, you were just adding to the ‘hoard’. I’d be concerned about your MIL doing crazy things to protect the food against your poor children tbh.
My dad grew up with food scarcity and it really manifested obviously during my childhood when he earned enough to afford lots of food. We’d buy groceries until you couldn’t see the back of the fridge, but then you weren’t really allowed to eat much of it at all. He would come home from work and keep track of any missing food items. Like literally counted granola bars and checked on slices of bread, cheese, meats, etc. I got screamed at for eating a handful of hickory sticks that I ate once after school (still can’t go near them ☹️ (I’m in therapy for all this, don’t worry)).
Is your MIL from a Slavic country by any chance? The Balkans or generally former Yugoslavia? She sounds like the right age to have been mucked up by the war(s). That’s for sure the reason my dad (and his mother too, who lived with us) is so angry and strange about food.
P.S., it gave me a wicked eating disorder as a result. I’d try to keep your kids away from her when it comes to food stuff if you can
Get her the fk out of your house and never let her back near your children. If someone behaved like that in my house they would be kicked out in a second.
For now, since she is in the house and acting less crazy, let it go for the sake of peace and family holiday.
If she starts acting up again then you and your husband need to confront it together, presenting a united front, to make her understand she cannot behave this way in your home.
Either way, pay attention this year to how she acts and handles this situation, then decide if she is welcome to the next holiday event.
My rule for holidays is: If you can’t behave yourself, you can’t come spend holidays with me.
As a result, I have no drama on the holidays, spent with folks who don’t do drama.
Your husband needs to deal with her appropriately, including sending her back home if you don’t want her there, or if she isn’t behaving well, or if she is going crazy with the children. That’s all.
Think of her like a dragon guarding her hoard even though you purchased the groceries she’s essentially using your house, her current abode as her new den, so any food you bring in no matter if you buy it with your own money or use her food card becomes part of her hoard.
If your husband is insistent on her staying then take steps to safeguard your children in their interactions with her hoarding tendencies, maybe storage containers they can keep separate in their rooms until she leaves or maybe a container for her stuff in her room.
I’m guessing this is the first time that she’s ever reacted as she did and thus why you weren’t originally worried about the kids being with her alone at home, but now that you know you can take steps to make sure they aren’t alone. I wish you good luck OP.
Can you drop off the kids with other relatives while you work? They should feel safe and not hungry.
I’m unsure as to why she’s changed her behavior since she was fine in August but it’s not something you can fix. You and your husband need to come to an agreement soon. But in the meantime protect your children.
Just tell your kids if they feel scared by their “grandmother” ever again to dial 911 and the police will come to protect them.
If you haven’t already, show your husband the messages from your children. It’s important that he knows it’s not just an irrational “fear” or you have a issue with her staying with you. It’s for the health of your children. He needs to be the one handling his own mother.
Question about your husband OP, what does he means by letting this go? Does it means he wants to be the one to handle this? Or does it means everyone avoiding the subject until she leaves and keeping the kids separate from her until then?
Who would care for the children while you are at work if MIL was not there? Would there be a nanny or another form of child care in place?
So…she wanted to buy the kids snacks but didn’t want them to actually eat/drink enjoy them? What did she want then to do? Ration them?
She should go home. You don’t get to stay under my roof and snub me. Instead of enjoying her visit she’s bringing nothing but drama and pettiness. What a shame your kids will have that memory of her rather than a pleasant one. If your husband won’t cut the visit short, at a minimum she needs to be told she’s either nice to the kids or she can stay in her room. What and how much they eat isn’t her concern.
Is this new behavior?
Tell her to take her food card and go home to her hoard of groceries. Or just remind her that your house, your kids, your food, your rules. If the kids want to eat, she’ll not say a word to them about it.
She’s giving your kids an unhealthy relationship with food, tell her sorry but she needs to gtfo of your home bc your children are now scared of her. Why would she even offer her food card? To me it sounds like it was a power move to exert her nonexistent control over your family. Your husband or you need to kick her out. She shouldn’t act like that around her grandchildren
Sounds a lot like my grandma , she would even go as far as take mine and my brothers stuff and say it was hers. She would hide or eat food during the night and then blame me and my brother. She would also try to make us fight with each other which made my brother very angry. And she was trying to get in between our parents.
OP, you need to have a *serious* discussion with your husband about his mother. He needs to be handling this better. This is his Mom and his responsibility. He needs to send his mother home if she can’t act like a regular grandma around your kids, instead of “scaring” them.
Tell him that it’s clear she has issues, but it’s not OK if those issues damage your children. Ask him what makes it OK for your MIL to tell your kids they cannot eat (at their ages, kids are pretty much bottomless pits)? Seriously. And slaming around and screaming? How is that OK at all? She came for the holiday and is making what should be a fun time of year into something uncomfortable and unhappy. How is that something he thinks you should just ignore?
Why on Earth would you leave your relatively small children alone, in their own home, with a bully who is shaming them for doing normal human things like…eating? Just because your husband is used to this abuse does not mean your children should get used to it also.
I read your comment that she is a hoarder. Although she could have early onset dementia, it is likely that your house is fairly neat and tidy compared to hers and she is mentally uncomfortable there so she is trying to save food she thinks she bought to get the hoarding started.
The fact that she is yelling at your kids and not feeding them when they’re hungry is a huge red flag. Kids need to eat three healthy meals a day plus a few snacks. She is also scaring her grandkids. She should not be allowed in the house without a parent present. This is not something to let go. Your husband is rugsweeping and that is not acceptable behavior for a dad.
I don’t know how old she is but people who grew up during the great depression have some issues related to food and scarcity.
Most of that generation have passed 1(929 to 1939) was the great depression, but the long term affects lasted for generations. Wide spread scarcity and poverty was a major issue really up until after WW2. And poverty is still a major issue everywhere around the world.
If MiL is receiving assistance for food (aka food stamps) and living on SSI and has no additional resources for retirement income – then this is probably the underlying causes of her behaviors.
Yes she brought it on herself, but as they say “pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall or short version pride goeth before the fall.
Maybe have a calm discussion about her resources and what the expectations are about food and parenting. If she has always been ok before maybe she is having other issues. She is older and as people age they start having cognitive issues. Anger and lashing out can be symptoms of other medical issues.
People are not disposable. The minute something starts going wrong you don’t just toss them out without digging a little bit deeper as to the whys of the situation.
Now if she has a history of being abusive the entirety of her existence – then that is a different story. That would be an abuser being abusive as per their normal and no don’t tolerate that at all.
Wtf? Its not even a big deal. They are kids, in their own home, eating food they would normally eat anyway. Who does she think she is??
I just read in your comments that she is a hoarder with food. It seems like she’s projecting her mental problems onto your innocent children. I personally wouldn’t let her come back. That’s unhealthy to your kids, and they don’t need any type of anger and trauma because she is unwell. Protect your babies for sure.
I’d take the rest of the week off and be VERY clear that if her abuse keeps up (keeping kids away from their own food in their own home) she’s earned herself a train ticket home.
She has a hoarding problem, that explains why she’s acting the way she is
This comment section is kind of wild to me, the way people are desperate to come up with excuses for her behavior. But OP has known this woman for over a decade and she’s stayed with them before and had many interactions with the kids and has NEVER SEEN THIS BEHAVIOR. If she had food insecurity or this was tied into her hoarding behavior there would have been signs far earlier. OP wouldn’t be so shocked by her behavior if this was the norm for her.
Even if she had issues that were out of her control, her behavior is her own responsibility. She was the one offering food and her food card and then resorting to slamming doors, screaming, and getting into a power struggle with her own grandkids over food. Absolutely none of that is acceptable.
This can’t get swept under the rug but you also don’t have to serve her an eviction notice right away. First order of business is she has lost the privilege, at least for now, of being alone with her grandkids full stop. Second thing is you and your husband both need to sit down and talk with her. You MUST be a United front on this and explain why her behavior was unacceptable.
Listen to what she says. Does she seem unwell and unlike herself? This could be the onset of dementia or another health issue. Sometimes older people get UTIs and it really messes with their personalities. Is she willing to get a checkup for the sake and safety of your children?
Or it’s possible you’ve just seen the true her and now that she feels comfortable she’s taking her mask off. Honestly, this post reminded me of my own nasty evil paternal grandmother. What was she like as a parent?
If she’s remorseful, willing to see a doctor, and willing to accept that she won’t be alone with the children due to her actions then I don’t think you need to kick her out. If she doubles down, throws another tantrum or refuses to respect your rules then she needs to leave. Good luck, OP
She would have to get her food card and gtfo of mt house asap. That’s ridiculous behavior
OP, all of the warning bells you hear in your head are accurate. She *needs* to leave, for the sake of your children. She is mentally unwell and should not be allowed around your children, even supervised.
Your husband is an asshole. He’s letting his mother abuse and terrify his children! This needs to stop immediately. If he refuses to protect his kids you don’t have a MIL problem you have a husband problem.
Kick her the fuck outta your 🏠
Your husband problem is bigger than your MIL problem. What do the kids think that their dad doesn’t care that their scared? Why isn’t he trying to protect them? I would be far more concerned about that.
My dad pulled this kind of crap when I was a child, is this brand new behavior for her? For my dad, it was about control. My clothing, books, jewelry, toys, etc (if purchased with family money) were labeled “his” if I did anything he didn’t like. I spoke with a snotty tone of voice? I wasn’t allowed to read *his* books that I’d received as gifts from my mom. Came home past curfew? He knocked my dresser and jewelry box over and removed handfuls of my belongings that had spilled out. I caught on and wouldn’t let him contribute financially when I bought my first car, insured it and gassed it up. He attempted to control me via my car because he didn’t like my boyfriend or some bullshit, and when I reminded him the car had nothing to do with him, he told me he’d cut my brake lines if I attempted to leave the house.
I’m wondering if the kind of control your MIL is attempting to exert over your household is something bigger and more deeply rooted than food. Is this something your husband recognizes from childhood, particularly moments when she felt powerless?
This is completely not okay and your mama instincts are right. I would not let her around the children again at their ages without you or your husband present.
Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass and stand up to him mom for his children.
Something isn’t right with MIL. Don’t leave her alone with the kids. If your husband wants her to stay, he needs to stay home while she is there.
“Here… use my card and buy food”….
Goes and gets food and comes home to use the food that was bought…
“Nooooo you can’t use it… it’s just for looking at so I look like a good grandma” 😂
Freaking weird. Why buy it if we can’t use it 😂
Don’t drop it. By her a ticket, pack her stuff and send her home. It sounds like she doesn’t want to be there anyways
My paternal grandmother came to live with us one summer to watch us while my mom and dad worked. She wasn’t overtly mean to us kids like your MIL, but every day she would literally run out of the house when she would see my dad coming up the driveway to tell him how lazy I was all day. I played with and supervised my younger brother and sister (ages 5 and 3) in our kiddie pool for hours on end, rode bikes with them in our long driveway, mowed the lawn and was responsible for watering, weeding and picking vegetables from our 3 acre garden. I was only 9 years old!! All she had to do was fix us a sandwich for lunch and watch daytime tv, but somehow I was lazy. Grandma was never invited back after that summer, thank God.
What a shame that they don’t see her often, but the time she is there she cares about food. Their kids, kids eat nonstop. My MIL doesn’t make an effort to see my grandkids, her great grandkids much. We offered to fly her to see her other grandkids and she declines. It’s just sad since she has the time to do it, right now. I agree with you I don’t think she should be alone with the kids.
Your husband needs to tell his mother to leave. Do not leave her with the kids again.