I (f,29) was catching up with a friend when she told me that the next person she dates will only get the bare minimum out of her .. and that she refuses to do any “wifey” duties as a gf and that if a man wanted more that he basically has to put a ring on her finger. So my question is what are wifey duties that you should avoid doing as a gf? And is it really bad to do these things ? At the top of my head all I thought about was cooking and cleaning but is there more ?
TL;DR what is wifey duties/duties ?
31 comments
Ask her what she means. She’s the one that will know.
Smart woman. I guess cooking and cleaning all the time?
At the same time, I feel like guys try to find out if they can wife a woman up *based* on how she acts. So idk what’s the best way to go about that?
She’s the only one who would know, but if I had to guess?
Probably stuff like living with him, doing his laundry, cooking meals for him daily, cleaning up after him, stuff like that. That to me says “Premium Subscription” to me, so why let a man pay for basic for all the features?
I can’t say exactly what your friend means, but there are things women tend to do for men they love, sometimes before a man commits to her. Generally things like doing most of the chores, making his/your place nicer to live in, doing his laundry, cooking daily/doing the grocery shopping, being a primary caretaker to his kids, keeping track of his friends/family’s birthdays and buying gifts from you “as a couple”, just generally becoming the “manager” of the couple. This tends to make men very comfortable and can lead to a situation where the man drags his feet on proposing because he already has all the benefits of a wife but doesn’t have to commit.
For me, as a wife I’d basically make my choices with “us” in mind, while as a girlfriend my top priority is always going to be me.
She’s not going to give all of her to a man who wouldn’t commit to her. Simple as.
Urgh. A ring does not make that tolerable.
The male expectation is not your concern, it’s theirs. It is not a girlfriend-y thing to do chores for your partner. No chores!
Doing cooking cleaning etc , for me personally it’s even further I won’t even live with you or do make serious commitments until we’re married .
Lol the term ‘wifey’ irks me.
Some guys expect women to cook and clean for them when they aren’t living together yet. I remember an ex boyfriend who got mad at me because I didn’t wanted to help him clean his place on sundays … and we were NOT living together.
Making dinner together and both doing dishes after = yes.
Doing lunches for the guy, cleaning his place and doing his laundry? Honestly I wouldn’t even do it even if he was offering the ring. I want to date a functional adult, not some adult child who’s mom forgot to learn him how to take care of his place.
It means that the division of labour has to be split especially if they are living together. Majority of times women end up taking the role of majority of household chores, so basically your friend is saying by doing the bare minimum she won’t be the live in maid/cook, doing everything while her partner really does the bare minimum.
If someone said this to me, I’d assume that it meant something akin to not trying any harder for the relationship than the guy was trying. Matching effort.
Sometimes I get really shocked here that girlfriends who do not even live with their boyfriends will go over to his house and clean it, cook and a few times I’ve read, take care of his kids for him.
My dad was dating my mom in the early 70s. He had custody of my half sister and they (him & sis) decided to paint the living room. He asked my mom if she wanted to come by that weekend and help select the paint color. All charm of a man who thinks he’s hot shit because that’s just my dad, kind of painting the picture of a family updating their home.
Mom looks him dead in the eye and says, “oh no, you and D— should so that for your home. I tell you what, I’ll come by on Sunday afternoon with some Pizza and Coke for dinner and you guys can show me what you did.”
When he tells this story he says, “I expected your mom to come and help us and maybe make some design choices for the space.”
Mom always replies, “You were just trying to play family and get free labor. Not my house, not wasting my time off painting the walls. Don’t let men sucker you by playing house.”
That’s what your friend meant.
It’s not bad to do these things as a girlfriend but if you have a woman live with you, cook, clean, handle the finances/bills for you then what would motivate you to propose? A lot of couples move in and do things that “married” couples do but aren’t married. Some woman don’t mind not getting married but some want a wedding and it’s a way to make sure the man doesn’t just get comfortable and never ask.
It means she’s fed up over doing her part acting like she’s “the one” for a man and will just check out much easier when the next man comes around. Totally get where she is coming from but instead of thinking this way hopefully she changes her mindset to next relationship she will have she will meet a man who knows what mutual love and respect is.
Just be nice. Do stuff for your partner because you want to.
I feel this, but I don’t think the answer is doing the bare minimum lol. Bc why they hell would anyone want a partner who did the least. Anyway.
Wife Duties: sharing financial burdens/assets, caring for their children, allowing someone to move in, “hold it down,” domestic duties, etc. Things that someone can gauge you’re proficient in by watching you do them for yourself.
Things like romancing, gift giving, etc is part of courtship. Having your suit ironed out and breakfast made is for wives 😅
Personally I am the same, but its a very case-by-case situation. It’s when a partner expects me to do these things once getting into a relationship, I just don’t feel comfortable cleaning up after somebody especially when they expect me to, and if they’re perfectly capable of doing it themselves before I came along, it personally doesn’t make sense why I would all of a sudden be doing their chores on top of my own, when they’re capable of doing so before. Cooking together & cleaning up together is a bit different, that’s a shared bonding activity, so is asking your partner for help occasionally, it should be both partners can ask the other for help. But just expecting your partner to do your chores while you kick your feet up is in my opinion, inconsiderate and causes a lot of hidden resentment when someone doesn’t pull their weight.
However these things should be dealt with case by case, if you are living together or married, or have children, this is really where you guys need to sit down and actually talk about what she personally means by that, if you’re living together, it usually helps to delegate which chores each person enjoys/tolerates doing the most & split it that way.
Sometimes women start doing “wifey” things like straightening up, organizing travel plans, managing the house, etc. to show a man they are wife material. It can bite you in the butt because they don’t think they’ll need to wire you, they have everything they need
Honestly it means different for everyone. As long as you don’t feel taken advantage of, your boundaries aren’t being crossed, and you don’t feel like your partners mother then you’ll be fine! Everyone has different levels to this.
Not sure what she means SPECIFICALLY, but I can guess that she probably out in a LOT of effort for some guy in the past who didn’t want to marry her despite her most likely wanting it. For a lot of women, this may involve living together then carrying the brunch of the chores, emotional labour and overall maintenance of the relationship. Look up “the cohabitation effect”. But maybe she has a different definition of “wifey” as well, but either way it boils down to unreciprocated effort and commitment from her partner.
My friend was mealprepping meals TWICE a week for her man, doing his laundry and making his bed. He lives in the basement of his parents house and they said you got her on a tight leash and died laughing….she legitimately thought it was something cute they said 🤦🏽♀️ well anyones he cheated on her so that’s all gone but 6 years later no ring and no future imo
At first I thought this girl sounded really high maintenance. Then I read the comments and realized that I never allowed myself to do the “wifey duties” for free because it is absolutely insane. I love my husband and will happily do my fair share. I’ll do 100% of everything when he is having a hard time. My expectation is that he would do the same for me. Would I help a serious boyfriend with cleaning once in a while if we didn’t live together? Absolutely! Would the expectation be that he’d do the same for me? You bet your fucking bippy he’d better! 😂 I am married to a functional adult, not a child.
It sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t want to parent her partner. And who the heck would? It might be possible you were taken aback because it isn’t something you’d even remotely consider. When I read this, that was my first reaction until I read the comments and thought about what might have been happening for her. I think she might be feeling resentment over being taken advantage of in a previous relationship. I wonder if by “doing the bare minimum,” she really means setting healthy boundaries. It is absolutely 100% NOT high maintenance to expect your partner to be an independent, self-sufficient, non-entitled person, nor is it “the bare minimum.” It is simple self-respect, and I’m glad she is working on that! (And that being said, having a ring should not change anything at that point because she shouldn’t have to partner her spouse either!)
She’s not taking care of you, cleaning up after you, doing your laundry or cooking for you. It’s pretty clear what she’s saying.
Honestly I should learn from your friend. Sometimes I give everything to the men I date when they don’t.
I will not prioritize/invest in you/this relationship higher than I am comfortable at this level of commitment. In this case it’s identifying marriage as the commitment level for that activity.
Me personally, I won’t financially support a partner I am not married to. I won’t buy property with a partner I am not married to. I won’t prioritize our future over my personal future until we are at the point of getting engaged.
A lot of women use it to describe household support. In that I want a partner, so I won’t do much more household support as a wife than I do as a live in partner.
No perks without the title. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc
I don’t think it’s “bad” doing these things but why put in full effort when there’s no ring on the finger?
Going by what traditional housewives do, she probably means household admin and chores e.g. cooking, cleaning, laundry, remembering social events.
It was one thing I noticed which was friends who were friends with both my husband and I ended up just contacting me when they wanted to meet us as a couple. Got me a bit annoyed. It’s basically everyone’s default to just assume the woman is the organiser.
This happened to another friend’s wife in our group and she legit snapped and told off the mutual friend who was doing this and said, “Contact my husband directly if you want to hang out with him. I’m not his secretary.”
Luckily, my husband does organise social events and requests from his own friend. Even his female friends. There seems to be this weird trend where if the husband’s friend is a woman, then somehow she will end up organising stuff with the wife even though the connection is through the husband.
This did happen to one of my friends. As in, I was friends with this guy. Then was introduced to his girlfriend and then eventually, when organising catch ups, it evolved into a chat between him, myself and his girlfriend whereas previously, I would have arranged stuff directly with him. I still always start a chat with him and his girlfriend but yeah. It’s really just me and his girlfriend arranging the catch up.
Anyways, personally, even married, as a wife, I see myself as a PARTNER, not a personal maid, chef, governess and butler. You better be cleaning and cooking and parenting half of the time – especially if you’re also enjoying the extra income I’m bringing in.
Have any of you considered just for second she might have just meant fucking?
It’s well intentioned shorthand for “know your worth and don’t give more effort than you’re getting back”, but lacks nuance and the ability to recognize that different people have different needs at different times.