Relationship between S (M, 25) and B (F, 26): we have composed and posted this together.
We have been together for 9 months and it’s both of our best relationship so far (both have had long-term relationships in the past and considerable sexual experience): achieving a lot of things we always dreamed of in a relationship, challenging each other and revealing our best self, empathetic communication on every topic…and lots of laughter and playfulness !
Important: lots of intimacy, we are comfortable with each others body, lots of cuddling, kisses and touches, which is actually really important for us both
When it comes to traditional “sex” (starting when kisses get more intense, breath accelerating), S is not comfortable and “freezes”. When S tries to force himself to go further (because it is “expected”), B notices, feels hurt but is not comfortable going ahead in those circumstances. The situation has been going on since beginning of the relationship, and has been discussed several times since. Talking about it was hard in the beginning as S wasn’t comfortable discussing it, and B was not sure what was going on and felt rejected (especially as it was the beginning of the relationship). We eventually talked a lot about it and things have been better and better, at least when it comes to verbalizing our feelings around this sensitive topic.
Findings so far: S always had quite a low sex drive (with other gfs), but it was still higher than it is now. S also doesn’t masturbate very often.
B on the other hand, has a high sex drive, enjoys masturbation and has had an active sexual life with previous partners.
Due to the current situation, upon introspection she found out that what she was primarily missing in relationship with S was not necessarily sex and PiV (which is why open relationship is not a solution), but intimacy, a shared moment of sexual discovery with her partner. B has asked herself if she’s waiting for S’s sex drive to increase, which would clearly be a problem and could lead to mutual disappointment. But as stated before, she has realized that she wants to be with S regardless of the “sex” as long as there is shared intimacy and open sex-positive conversations around the subject.
Therefore, we tried to share a sexual space by other means: scheduling conversations about this, as well as buying toys together that we try on B while S is kissing and caressing her (B has great boobs!)
Partially worked out, as S is more at ease being in that space but is still not initiating such moments. Actually, he doesn’t “think” about sex much. S explored homo/asexuality as possible explanations, but ruled out the possibility for him (as, again…B has great boobs 😉 )
S is also seeking therapy for exploring any underlying causes or trauma, but of course this route comes with no timeline, nor the guarantee of any conclusive result.
Another dimension that has come up is B’s relationship to sex: she fears that these subtle signs of discomfort and unwillingness from S, and the uncertainty of whether it’s ok to go ahead (in her words: “All of this used to happen without thinking and now I’m constantly thinking ‘if this is okay’ “)
B hopes that this journey doesn’t leave her with trauma and insecurities that never existed earlier and would then need to be worked on separately.
We are truly happy together and often marvel at how lucky we got finding each other. So being together is an obvious – our relationship is blissful and finding our way around this problem will only make us stronger.
We have analysed the situation from every angle and understand that opening this up on a public platform might bring us face to face with an opinion that is hard to swallow
We anyway turn to Reddit asking if any of you has been in similar situations, or if you have any advice for us!
Would you suggest other Reddit communities?
Edit: we completely forgot to mention, we actually DO have sex and when it happens, it is great – passionate, not awkward and fun! It just doesn’t happen as frequently as we both are used to, as frequently as B would like it to.
TLDR: happy couple facing problem with mismatched sex drive and exploring Reddit among other possible options
5 comments
I was in a relationship very similar to this with great communication, I was B in the situation. I tried so hard so many times. So rarely feeling like I was attractive to my partner who I was deeply in love with and very attracted to hurt me deeply. We tried so many different things but it always ended up with me feeling like shit because I wasn’t getting a core need of mine met in a relationship, intimacy and sex.
We had some other dynamics going on as I said so I’m not saying this is necessarily the case for you, but the feeling of almost never being wanted by your partner when you want them so badly is excruciating. This isn’t just about sex it’s about the intimacy around it and feeling attractive and desirable in the eyes of your partner. Not feeling like you’re walking on eggshells whenever you start to get horny. It was fine with me for awhile but over time it just broke me down and I couldn’t be myself anymore and I started to resent her. It sucked because our emotional connection was incredible but I had to leave.
If this will work the reality is that B will likely have to compromise their desire for sex and intimacy and that easily leads to resentment and anger. You can’t expect S to have sex when they don’t want to this is unfair and wrong. You also can’t expect them to change. Sure it might change but it won’t change completely, and it’s not great for a relationship to be waiting for the other person to change. The tough part here is B is gonna be mostly satisfied and S won’t be. That’s where the resentment and anger comes from. Not impossible to make work, but it is a tough dynamic.
Not saying it’s impossible for this to work, just sharing my experience in a similar situation that I tried every which way to make work, until I finally realized I would never truly get what I’m looking for from this person as hard as that was to admit. And again it’s not just about sex but everything around it. Good luck 🙂
What about cuddling, fondling etc?
Thank you for sharing this. I know how difficult it can be to talk about. As a person in a HL/LL relationship I find this an interesting post.
The fact that you wrote this together speaks volumes. Good for you.
The first two paragraphs are the important part. S “freezing” when the going gets hot sounds like some underlying trauma that is leading to lower sex drive. M, it’s not your fault. S, it’s not yours either. Therapy and continued communication are your best solutions.
Hi both of you,
For S’s freezing, maybe the “usual” or expected warm up from kissing to sex is too steep? Have you tried scheduling sex, having a candle S lights when hes in the mood, or some other way to indicate he’s comfortable? S, what ACTUALLY gets you going if not direct kissing? Massages? Visuals?
I understand B, i can make out with my bf in the shower, see he’s getting aroused, but then he just continues washing a good 70% of the time. It feels like rejection and you think “what could i have done better” “whats wrong with me” “am i a selfish pervert”
So im mostly going to lurk because I experience a similar thing and would also like advice.