My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship. We have been together since 2018.
The times we have met I have come and paid to see him so far. During the latest visit I stayed there with him 5 months this year, and he proposed early summer before I went back home to the states (he lives in the UK).
Really reflecting after everything when I got home, I started to have doubts moving forward and resentment coming in. I was putting pressure on myself about the next to him, until I thought,
“Why am I the only one paying for the visits? You know what, I’m not seeing him again until he pays next.”
I tried to talk to him about this and said I can’t keep paying to see you and giving up my income for months, and he basically said,
“Well I spent all my money on an engagement ring for you so you’re going to need to give me time to save up.”
The last time he’s had a job was in 2019, and he’s currently still unemployed. He lives at home with his parents and is getting the UK version of unemployment, so there’s no rush there because he’s still getting some money and in my opinion is being heavily enabled by his parents.
I got home this summer early July and he just started lightly applying for jobs around a month ago.
One he really wanted and he didn’t get, and he said “I’ll seriously try and get something I enjoy once the New Year comes.”
So I guess there’s no more job searching until the New Year (and who knows how long it will take and I’m sure there will be another excuse or put off). 🙄
I’m not sure why he proposed without a stable income source, when even getting married is a huge cost as well as the immigration process.
(AndI know I should of really thought of this all more before I said yes to the proposal but sometimes when you’re in the middle of it all in the moment it’s hard to see clearly until you’re out of it or away from it).
As of now the relationship feels stuck and limbo, because I refuse to start planning anything with this situation, and it’s seriously frustrating to me for someone who’s supposed to be a grown man.
Each day more and more resentment grows about this because if he’s doing this now, will he do it when we’re married, when we have kids? “Sorry honey I’ll start applying for jobs at X time, until then you’re mostly responsible for our bills while I sit around at home!”
I refuse to pay for a grown man or put myself in that situation.
Should I give him an ultimatum- That he has to have any job by a certain time, or I will fit things?
TDLR: My M29 fiancé has been unemployed since 2019, and even now being engaged he has not been making a serious effort getting an income. I don’t envision a future or moving forward in this state. Should I give him an ultimatum? (Ex. Needs a job by X date or will cut it off).
10 comments
You can give him an ultimatum. You also should aim for a long engagement, as you are too young to get married yet. You also seem to have the highly typical age gap problem – you got together young, and you probably seemed like equals. Now a few years have passed and you have kept maturing as expected, but he was probably behind the curve when you two got together (which is why you seemed like equals) and now you’re starting to see his immaturity. He is older enough than you, even now, that he should be significantly more mature than you. That he isn’t, makes it high odds you will end up vastly more mature than he is, and that is probably going to make you more and more frustrated with him over time.
This is a serious incompatibility. You shouldn’t even think about marrying this man without resolving this. Having a job is necessary for nearly all parts of adulthood, especially marriage, unless both partners agree to a single income marriage which you clearly haven’t. Normally ultimatums are relationship death but this is a reasonable baseline expectation and compatibility issue.
He’s 29. It’s long past the time for him to be a big boy and grow up. There’s a reason he was 25 preying on a young and impressionable 18 year old.
Ultimatums are the right tool, only if they are honest.
So if you’re ready to walk by, March 1st say, then yes, tell him so.
However, you might want to ask yourself seriously if an ultimatums, or even a job, is actually going to give you the faith and security you need in this relationship, or will you still live in fear you will end up responsible for all the bills, for all the family, for months or years at a time. (And these costs and legal obligations will only be more intense, if you’re looking at immigration on top of everything else.)
He’s nearly 30. He lives comfortably at home. He’s been unemployed for nearly the entirety of the relationship. Simply getting a job wouldn’t be sufficient for me to marry this man. You may want to have a tough chat with yourself and decide if anything, at this point, is really going to move this forward in a way you can put your trust in. Everything about this man sounds like a very big legal, financial and practical risk.
I understand your frustration, but I think the problem is far bigger than he just needs to get a job. Even if he got one, he has to stay employed. What are the odds of that? And then you’re back on the “should I give an ultimatum?” merry-go-round because he technically did what you initially asked him to do. And even if he did keep a job, he hasn’t shown he’s responsible enough to manage his money. You’ll probably end up paying for way more than is fair even if he was working.
He has zero desire to be financially independent and put the resources (time, money, energy, etc) into building a life with someone. If he could live off other people and the government for the rest of his life, I bet he would.
If you think you have a problem with the way he is now when you’re 22, flash-forward to how you’ll feel when you’re 25, 30, etc. and you’re appropriately mature and responsible for you age, and he hasn’t grown at all.
You have spent your entire adult life so far in this inequitable LDR. Do yourself a favor and let yourself experience men who actually act like adults.
I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum. You’ve known him for 4 years. This is who he is.
I think it’s too late for an ultimatum. You know who he is already. He’s shown for years that his preferred choice is to coast on his parents’ support and government assistance. You want a man who wants to carry his weight, and he is not that man.
Instead, I think it’s time to ship back the ring and move on. You have a better sense of what you want in a partner now.
If you don’t know what to do after penning that litany of offenses nobody can help you. There’s better people within 50 miles of you, guaranteed. No need to continue spaffing cash on this loser, even if he does speak with an English accent.
He might go into panic mode and change for a short time period but it’ll go back to how he is.
You are a young woman paying to see an unemployed GROWN man in his mother’s home. He should honestly be ashamed of himself.
You can tell him you want him to have steady income/ or his own place before you marry him. You don’t have to do what you don’t want to do.