I know this sounds like a cliche but I am looking for some tips on how to stop judgemental thoughts as they are affecting my friendships.
I have a habit of making fun of people based on their subtle traits. And it’s very funny, until it goes serious.
These days I’m accusing my girlfriend of being overweight and not working out. Pushing her to do things Shay maybe does not want to. At times even accusing her selections of accessories and clothing naming them manly and weird.
I know where I got this trait from, but now how can I overcome this?
2 comments
The thoughts are not the problem. The problem is your mouth. Just because you think things doesn’t mean you have to say them out loud.
Regardless, it’s always helpful to work on putting yourself in other people’s shoes and to work on understanding viewpoints and ways of being that don’t match yours. For example, I don’t think it’s that hard to see why someone might not want to work out or why they might be overweight…and I also don’t think it’s that hard to see why someone would like to work out and would like to eat healthy foods. Whenever I’m thinking judgmental thoughts, I try to stop and consider what the other person might be thinking and where they’re coming from, i.e. if I’m the one who doesn’t understand not working out I stop and think about why someone might not want to work out. If I really don’t understand or want more answers, I’ll go to Google and do topic searches so that I can read other people’s thoughts from the other side of an issue–usually Reddit and Quora will come up, but blog posts and articles often come up, too. There’s no excuse for not being able to understand how other people think, and understanding how other people think makes it harder to just sit and be a judgmental ass.
It’s also helpful to remember that you’re not perfect, to think of what people could rip you for and how it might impact you if they did.
Oof this is tough, I come from a family that *loves* to poke fun, I consider myself the nice one but I didn’t realize just how mean we all are until I was away from them and with my partner.
None of it was ever malicious or meant to be mean. Poking fun was a way of showing love in the family, but it doesn’t work for a lot of people.
First, understand that’s probably not how your partner wants to receive affection. Even if it’s meant in a playful or loving way, it’s doesn’t feel that way for her. So stop trying to convince yourself she’s gonna come around, instead you need to adapt and just stop.
Second, joking with people like that requires a different **type** of trust and respect that just may not be there with your partner. I could laugh about embarrassing things my siblings did when we were kids because they all had dirt on me too. But for her, you’re using jokes to “cover up” opinions you have but won’t tell her directly about things she’s already deeply concerned or insecure about.
Third, being able to laugh off something embarrassing or that you’re insecure about requires the person who is potentially embarrassed or insecure to initiate the joke, not someone else. Even someone close. For something to get to joking level, they have to be secure enough to laugh about it and not take themselves so seriously. This isn’t a prescription for your partner, it’s an acknowledgement that she’s not in that place right now (she may never get to a place where she can joke about her weight) so know that jokes from you, even well-meaning and lighthearted just feel like bullying to her.
Fourth, they may be funny jokes with your friends that get lots of laughs but they come at a cost. Those jokes come at the cost of their self-esteem, and trust in you. How often do you make fun of your friends as a group, versus genuinely acknowledge things you like about them in a group? Often jokesters poke fun in a group but are affectionate in private. So your status as group comedian makes it so people subtly can’t trust anything you say because they fill it’ll be twisted.
Fifth, jokes always come with a bit of truth, but never enough of it. Often we tease and tear people down right when they’re having a moment and the attention, the joke undermines that moment of joy for them and makes it about joy for you and the laughs you get. For your partner, often joking is a way of admitting things you’re too afraid to have a real conversation about like : “*sweetie you are always talking about wanting to lose weight, but never actually do anything about it and I can’t handle it, can we make a plan and follow through or just not talk about your weight so much?” *
Finally, it’s hard because often without constantly and instinctively poking fun…you realize you don’t have much to say. When you don’t have much to say you don’t feel very useful to your friends. This doesn’t mean don’t joke around, just don’t direct it at people you love if you want those relationships to grow.