My husband (37M) and I (30F) have been together for 10 years, married for 7. We have 2 kids together and he’s a wonderful father to them. Couldn’t ask for better.
On birthdays and holidays (like Christmas) he hasn’t ever really gotten me a gift, except at the beginning of our relationship. I feel like an asshole for even expecting one to be honest. We are a single income household, he’s the one who works. We do very well financially though. But me not working, staying home to take care of our two young children makes me feel selfish for even wanting a present. We have great sex, but other than that our interactions are pretty limited. I love him, but if he didn’t want to have sex with me I would not think he was interested. I’ve expressed all of this to him before. He usually says “what am I in trouble for now?” if I bring anything up. And regarding the gift giving he just says he doesn’t know what to get me. Even though I’ve mentioned things before, Amazon save for later items, etc. He usually just says we don’t need that, although he just bought himself $500 video game system yesterday.
He is the one who makes the money and I feel very fortunate to stay at home. He’s also a great father. Also if anyone advises therapy he already has told me he doesn’t believe in it. Is there a different way to bring this up or just drop it altogether?
8 comments
> On birthdays and holidays (like Christmas) he hasn’t ever really gotten me a gift, except at the beginning of our relationship.
So when things changed, why didn’t you address it? A gift doesn’t have to be expensive to be thoughtful. You’re not selfish for wanting a gift for special occasions.
> . I love him, but if he didn’t want to have sex with me I would not think he was interested. I’ve expressed all of this to him before. He usually says “what am I in trouble for now?” if I bring anything up.
Tbh, I’d arrange couple’s counseling….
> And regarding the gift giving he just says he doesn’t know what to get me. Even though I’ve mentioned things before, Amazon save for later items, etc. He usually just says we don’t need that, although he just bought himself $500 video game system yesterday.
Just curious….if things turned sour, have you got an account only you can access? Have you got savings? Can you go out and spend money without him questioning it? If you bought something for 500.-, would that be ok?
> He is the one who makes the money and I feel very fortunate to stay at home.
You’re sacrificing your own career/income/social security for your family, and him being able to advance your career. If you wanted to work too, he’d have to work part-time, or you’d both have to pay for childcare. This is the arrangement you both CHOSE, so please stop feeling guilty.
You don’t need that.
“That’s correct. I just said I want that. Do I only deserve things I need? Do you only but needs? “
“Why wouldn’t you want to surprise me with something positive for Christmas? Do you need a list of options because I am willing to meet you halfway. “
Well if my girl just laid out her gift list to me I’d just grab something from there. Not sure why he is being mean about it, seems like you’re not asking for a lot of effort. I’ve known a lot of women who want you to jump through 10 hoops to satisfy their demands, this is getting off easy.
If he doesn’t want to compromise or seek counseling what are you supposed to do? Sounds like just a bad spot to be in, my condolences.
Go buy your own gifts. End of problem. He buys a $500 game system, then buy whatever you want that is around or under that price. Easy peasy
You should tell him that you need your bank account . Money should be shared . You and him should have spending money and an account for bills etc..
You ‘re equal in this relationship. What you do at home and with the children is making his life easier so he can work without any worries. You appreciate what he’s doing but he should also appreciate you but it’s not what he’s showing you. Start to buy things more expensive and tell him it’s true it’s not essential but it makes you happy. If he pushes too hard tell him if he really need the 500$ game? I’m sure he’ll throw in your face that he’s working for his money and it makes him relax.
you should take a part time job so if anything happens you can rely on yourself.
edit to say: if he still doesn’t want to buy you a gift, buy your own. It’s not what you want but at least you’ll get something that you chose.
I’m sorry but he sounds like he does not actually appreciate you or your contributions. And you are dismissing your own contributions to your household. You stay home with the kids, that means you do have a full time job raising your children, you deserve to be treated and celebrated.
He is comfortable in the life HE has built (from his perspective). You are an accessory to his life. He doesn’t try to make you happy anymore, he has become disconnected and comfortable. Now you are just roommates with benefits. He can spend hundreds on video games but questions your $50 purchase because it doesn’t benefit him and your happiness isn’t even a factor. He probably gets annoyed and thinks “that’s my money”. If he’s obsessed with his budget gifts don’t even need to cost money. Gifts always cost effort and attention, those are what you crave from him. Craving things will lead to us making distant goals as a way to survive without it, for instance you crave his attention every week but convince yourself that “he’s busy with things, maybe I’ll get some attention in a few months at the holiday”. Then that holiday comes and goes, and you make the next goal.
I would approach this from an emotional perspective, which should be equal effort from both of you. If he thinks this is about buying gifts then his ego goes straight to “I work, I feed and clothe you, it’s my money, etc”. His financial perspective isn’t healthy either but thats a whole seperate issue. He needs to know that you feel like roommates, that you feel like sex is the only connection. Bring this back to basics: why you both got married, why you stay married, why it’s important that you become best friends again and respect each other. He is gaslighting you with the bs of “oh now what did I do wrong” and making you feel guilty for normal feelings. I hope you find a way to get him to admit he can change and that it would be better for all 4 of you.
You cannot change him, you can just change yourself or your way of thinking.
Look for a job, fulfill your dream and buy yourself nice things cause you married a guy who doesn’t do that. Stop trying to change him!!!