**TLDR; Partner of 5 years had an emotional affair with his ex. He didn’t confess – I found out. I have hope and I know eventually I have the capacity to forgive, I want this to work and he is also taking active steps to make this work. I keep getting bursts of anger about this and don’t know if this is actually salvageable or I’m being naive.**
I thought we were good, I thought we were perfect. I saw a future with him – we always talked about building a life together. I just bought tickets and flights for our Valentine’s Day trip and for his birthday to go out of the country. Early on in our relationship I had baggage and trauma from previous relationships where past partners would talk to other women behind my back. In my last relationship (different partner) I caught him writing letters to his ex. Last partner and I broke up, and a few months later he got engaged to the ex he was writing letters to. My current partner knew all of this, and he was so kind and patient with me helping me work through this early on in our relationship. I eventually trusted him. I really thought he was one of the good guys; he was my rock and the one.
A few days ago I had a mini stress break down because I found myself realizing I was doing a big amount of the chores and errands. I was upset at him about that, we talked about chores and divvying up the mental load, but I also used this as an opportunity to let him know I’d like more effort and support from him. I also noticed he has been on his phone a lot more lately, and whenever I would come close to him, I noticed he would turn his phone over or quickly flip through apps. I also remembered him smiling or laughing, looking at his phone.
I thought it was weird when he addressed all the other issues I brought up, but not the phone. I asked again. He went back for a bit to think, then came over and said it was because he’s been doing a lot of journaling lately and is embarrassed to show anyone. “Anyone?” I asked, “Including me?”
We left the argument at that. His family’s holiday celebrations were today and he wanted to go. I was still upset and said I wasn’t going anymore. He left without me – didn’t even put up a fight like he usually does. He even left, came back because he forgot his camera (he saw I was still upset in bed), and then went back to it.
I had a gut feeling – a very strong feeling inside me – which prompted me to log on to his computer and look through his messages. I was shaking from all the anticipation and adrenaline. I saw it. I screamed. I broke down crying. He has been texting his ex and it was 100% an emotional affair. He reached out end of November, they were talking for about 2-3 weeks. My whole world has turned.
He reached out first. It was friendly at first, he wanted to get closure. He said he missed the way they were able to talk and joke. Friendly talk turned into “getting all flustered from receiving messages” from her (he said), and wondering “if they were soulmates” (her). He used to talk about me in the chat and how happy he was with me, she then retorted with a photo of her current partner. He later said “maybe we don’t talk about partners for now… I’m not 100% comfortable if I’m being honest.” All of the images and things he would send to me over text, he sent to her. They were planning to meet up and talk. They even acknowledged in chat that this may be an emotional affair, and joked about it. Her current partner knew she was talking to mine.
Looking through the time stamps, the exact same time when I was upset, he messaged her and asked “Hey did you talk to ThrowRAfuckmeiguess?” She said no, he said that we were having an argument and was stressed. He was more worried about being caught than how I was feeling?
He also told her about the argument. It feels weird and not right to joke about – or complain about – your partner to your ex. It feels very disrespectful. Where was I throughout all this?
I’m not proud. After collecting all the proof (23 min long video of me scrolling through messages) I rushed to pack a bag. And before leaving I threw all his clothes on the ground, books on the ground, and luggage on the ground. I made sure not to do permanent damage to anything, but I wanted him to know. I was so close to blasting him all over social media with my proof – but I didn’t. I wanted everyone to know so bad how horrible they’ve been, how much they’ve hurt me, but I didn’t want to stoop down to their level because I know I’m better than that. I’m better than her. Their relationship had high highs and low lows, it was toxic, they brought out the worst in each other and she hit him. Why would he throw away what we have for her?
I’m so glad for my friends being there for me. I remember that night bawling to her, and one of the things I’ve said was, “Well, what if he’s texting or calling her now? What’s stopping him from doing this guilt free, or meeting up with her earlier? He must be back home from the Christmas party – why hasn’t he called or texted me to see if I’m OK?” I felt like I had lost to her. She finally won and has him around his fingertips.
Next morning he finally messaged me. Asked to talk. We did. He showed up looking pretty bad and puffy eyed from crying. I was surprised that I wasn’t – I must’ve cried it all out prior. We talked for about six hours. Even though I was fiercely angry, I gave him the space and opportunity to explain his side and I just listened. It’s the usual cheater speech: he has been feeling not confident lately, felt like something was missing in our relationship, felt like he never got the closure from this previous relationship and thus reached out. Intentions were to get closure and figure out what was missing and use that to better our relationship. He continued to talk to her because he wanted to make sure before they met for closure, it was on friendly terms. He then missed talking to her. She kept flirting and talking about catching feelings, and he reciprocated.
He tried to blame me and say the past year our relationship hadn’t been great. I pushed back: then why not talk to me or make an effort to grow this relationship, why look elsewhere? He then tried to flip this and say I had a massive violation of trust by snooping: and so what, isn’t this justified? Also, would I have even known about this “friendship” if I hadn’t had snooped? He said he wanted me to hear it directly from him – great, so I can get a watered down version of all this? I then asked for his phone. The real kicker here is while I was in a hotel, bawling my eyes out, no text or call in sight from him, he was texting her about what had happened and asked for HER advice. He tried to make it seem like a good thing by saying she said he should talk to me: and what, you weren’t going to talk to me until she said you should? He said he was planning to anyways. So are you trying to paint her in a better light and justify talking to her? His defense for talking to her was that he assumed we were done-done.
He reiterated that I’m perfect, he loves me and thinks about me all the time, and we had 90% good things going and meanwhile his ex only had 10% of good things, and he truly was just trying to figure out what that 10% was to better our relationship. He said he takes full accountability and made a giant mistake, and that he should’ve went to therapy instead.
I told him to block her everywhere. I don’t know if he was going to do it anyways, maybe I didn’t give him enough time to suggest it, but I can’t believe I had to ask him to. He did everywhere, but then hesitated once he got to the messaging app. He had the audacity to ask if he could have one last phone call with her to get closure. I said no. He pushed back again. I said you can only text her or if you call her, you do it here in front of me. He hesitated and waited. I stood up and said you either do that, or you leave. I am not going to be second to anyone, I deserve to be first. He then sent her a message and blocked her everywhere – but him talking to her after we had fought and seeing how hurt I was and then asking if he could have one last phone call was extremely hurtful in addition to the emotional cheating messages.
I know I’ve got alot going for me. I have a wonderful support system. If I may toot my own horn, I know I’m beautiful, smart, caring, funny, driven, and I know I won’t have any trouble finding someone out there who will see all that in me and not take it for granted.
But five years – we have had SO many wonderful memories and adventures. Our lives were intertwined, friend groups melded, and his family fucking loves me to pieces. Why did he risk throwing this all away? What was he thinking, if at all? And even though I know I will be OK and I’m not afraid of being alone or adjusting, WHY do I really want this to work after all he has done to me and continued to do to me?
Do I believe him – that he’s sorry and wants to work on our relationship? He looked remorseful and understood what he’s done. He’s already set up a meeting with a relationship counselor and is coming up with a plan on how to rebuild our relationship and my trust. I’m glad he is making steps to make this right and acknowledges his mistakes, and I want to see if this will work, but I keep flip-flopping between I’m being horribly naive and stupid or maybe this will work and make us stronger than before. But I really do love him, and if with the right amount of time and effort, I know deep, deep down I have the capacity to forgive him. I’m lost. My emotions keep fluctuating between anger, hurt, mourning, to hopeful.
What really sucks about this is whether I do leave or I stay and we work on this, I’m going to be hurt either way. I know I did nothing wrong and yet I still have to be hurt from all of this – for a long time. I don’t know if this is a vent session, or if I’m looking for advice or if anyone went through something similar. If you got this far, thanks for reading.
17 comments
This is devastating. I couldn’t even read though the whole thing. I’m honestly so sorry that you have to go through this right now. I wouldn’t believe him regarding his remorse. The fact that he reached out to his ex first, kept it from you, and was literally rekindling a relationship with her all whist in the same room with you is actually insane. I know right now it’s fresh, your adrenaline is still going and it’s all probably a bit cloudy. However, from an outsiders view there is really no need to read between the lines. Everything is very clear. If he’s capable of this, who knows what else he is capable of. He lied blatantly to your face. And if he’s trying to rekindle things with his ex I think it’s pretty clear where you stand. All the rest of the context honestly does not matter if we’re being completely honest. Let’s just be real.
This wasn’t a momentary lapse of judgement that he regretted right away. This was deliberate, premeditated and it would still be going on as we speak if you hadn’t invaded his privacy (which you shouldn’t even feel the slightest urge to do in a healthy relationship). Therefore the only thing he’s going to learn if you stick around is to hide better.
I would be done. He never would have told you if you didn’t snoop.
There is someone out there that would respect and love you right. It’s not this person.
Once a cheater always a cheater. He was texting her saying she might be his soulmate… if someone truly loves you and is meant for you they will not do this to you. I know it’s hard to picture because you’ve been in multiple relationships where the guy has done this but trust me this is not normal in a healthy relationship and you can 100% find someone who will not cheat on you. Don’t settle and don’t take him back because of good memories. You’re going to hold yourself back from finding someone who truly loves you by staying with him. You won’t be able to trust him if you forgive him and I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where you’re constantly worried about what the person is doing or if they’re being faithful. It’s not fun and not healthy. He will give you the classic sob story and manipulation tactics. Give yourself the respect you deserve and let him go.
If you wouldn’t have broken into his private messages, in a couple of weeks, everything would have been back to normal. You created a way bigger issue in your relationship than was present before.
Next time, when you have the feeling something is off, try to address the underlying issue and not the surface level fix your partner chooses to engage in. Whatever makes him want to talk to his ex in that fashion should be addressed and not THAT he is talking to his ex in that fashion.
That would be it. You don’t deserve that shit. Just leave and work on being happy by yourself. You will meet who you are supposed to be with when the time is right. In a good relationship you shouldn’t have to wonder what he is doing in his phone and stuff like that because it won’t be happening.
No. It is not. Have some love for yourself and go.
He’s not doing the things a truly repentant cheater (or anybody who has violated a boundary within any kind of relationship and is genuinely remorseful) does. Apologizing, owning it, proactively ending things and honoring your needs and hurt. And he’s putting it on you? That’s not remorse. I’m so sorry OP.
These things are always hard, but based on what you’ve told us I’m not sure extending him grace is the best idea. Ultimately it’s up to you, you know how you feel best.
I’m not always o e to say leave … but please leave. Her prioritized an ex and her feelings even though she is in a “relationship” over you. He wasn’t even going to tell you, but her SO knows?!?
He made all the wrong moves at every step.
This man isn’t in this for the long haul
Sorry to hear. I have no advice for this awful situation. But I hope you get the healing and closure you deserve.
You deserve so much better.
You can recover from anything if you both want to, albeit with a different relationship than you had before.
But the question is what you want to preserve in the relationship? You say it is a predominantly happy relationship, but the back drop to that has been an emotional affair, that he hasn’t owned up to and very likely never would have, in which he spoke disrespectfully about you. It sounds like he was distraught at the thought of losing you, and also distraught at losing her. That would give me pause, frankly, because it sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too.
If you are determined to preserve the relationship, I would consider individual and couples therapy to ensure you work through the feelings behind the behaviour and can build genuine trust again.
I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like he was emotionally exploring reigniting his relationship with his ex. I would get gone. But then it’s terribly easy to say that from the outside.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness and peace. Sorry this has happened to you.
While I admire couples who try to reconcile after cheating, I don’t believe it can be salvageable. Once that barrier is broken, there’s no going back. Once you know your partner was capable of cheating once, what’s stopping them from doing it a second time? If he really wanted to fight for you and be with you, he wouldn’t have done it the first time around. You will always remember what your partner did if you stay together. Even after 20 years, it’ll probably still be in the back of your mind.
His first reaction was to try and blame you. How is this a good person who’s taking responsibility?
I’m sorry you had to go through that, it hurts when your partner knows of your history and chooses to hurt you the same way. I firmly believe cheating is a choice, whether it is emotional or physical and the fact that he wanted to still speak to said EX, after you found out, is a MAJOR red flag. As someone who was in a relationship for almost 5 years as well that recently ended, I understand the pain and fear of parting with someone you’ve built so much of your life around. It truly hurts and it’s scary, but when someone repeatedly shows you they don’t value you or your relationship anymore, it’s best to let go. Don’t let someone tell you they don’t want to be with you more than once. His actions speak much louder than whatever justification is given, I’m sure you are a wonderful person and with time and healing you will find someone who wouldn’t even consider doing such a thing to you. It will take time, but allow yourself to feel and heal properly, it will help much more. Wishing you the best, and I hope you put yourself first.
This is as simple as “you don’t have time for this shit”.
There are a handful of things here that I’m curious about. I’d be interested to hear his side of the story.
But first things first: cheating is bad. There is no excuse for it. Obviously many cheaters have justifications for doing it, but a betrayal is a betrayal. It’s very subjective whether a relationship can survive and then thrive after cheating. That’s 100% up to you.
I find the description of your last fight curious. You almost downplay it (you want more help with chores, mental load. You want him to try harder, more support). And you notice him being secretive with his phone, but he explained it by saying it was private Journaling. The very next thing you say is that his family (who loves you) were doing their holiday celebrations, but you refused to attend and stayed in bed crying. He didn’t fight for you to attend, and just went. To be brutally honest…the relationship sounds toxic. Your behavior doesn’t read well here at all. Maybe pertinent information is missing, but it sounds manipulative.
Which leads me to my next thought. How romantic were these texts? The ones you highlighted seem somewhat benign. She appeared to question whether they were soulmates (that one is weird for sure), but mostly it seems to be random *what’s up* friendly chatter. The guilt could be because he KNOWS you were burned in the past by an ex staying in touch with their ex.
I don’t know. There’s something in this post that screams *unhealthy relationship behavior* on both sides. Which probably means it’s better to move on.