Hey so I’m a 21 years old guy and I never had a Gf in my life because I am too afraid or shy to go up to a Girl and ask for her number . i don’t what to say to her or how to start the conversation, I’m a good looking guy and I have a good style so I get a lot of attention from girls but I don’t know how to make that first step and actually approach and talk to her , any advice how to overcome this fear?
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The better you get at dealing with rejection the better you will be at approaching women. You will be rejected and that’s okay.
The fear will be there all the way up to talking to her.
Ask yourself this question: what’s the difference between a guy who is confident and approaches women and a guy who is scared, but still approaches women?
The difference is the internal experience. If you can perform regardless of what’s in your head, then you can overcome any fear. If you want more help, DM me. Helping people with mental performance is my job.
1. **Stop trying to get a date**. If you go in with the mindset that you’re getting a number, asking for a date, etc., you’re already doing it wrong. If you do this, you’re already at a disadvantage because you’re making yourself anxious. Instead, go somewhere where there are women and tell yourself “you are not going to date any of these women. Ever.” And believe it. There are plenty of women out there. You don’t have to obsess or fawn over any of them. Ever. And at this point, you have to make yourself disinterested in the possibility of romance to be successful.
2. **Practice opening and closing conversations.** Learn how to start a conversation with people. If, for example, you’re at a coffee shop and you see a girl next to you reading a book, you can chat her up. Say something like “Excuse me, I saw you are reading X. I’ve read Y by that author but haven’t read X yet. What do you think of it?” She replies, you take a thread from her reply and expand, ask her about what else she reads, etc. Make the conversation short (no more than a minute or so) and go on with your life. Wash and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Your goal is to get comfortable talking to anyone anywhere at any time. NOT to get dates. (Repeat that last part.)
3. **Talk about how you respond on an emotional level.** If you want to show a woman you’re a candidate for a date, you need to learn how to relate to her. (This goes for all people in general.) Let’s say you’re really into something. Take the typical gamer guy. Video game guys are everywhere. Literally everywhere. Nothing about them is unique or special. No matter how into their games they are, that doesn’t make anyone else share their passions. But you can tell people about your passion in a way they understand. How? By talking about it emotionally. We all have the same basic emotions. Fear, desire, lust, compassion, etc. YOu can always relate to other people if you frame your conversation in emotional terms. For example. “I *like* to play video games in my spare time. I know it’s cliche, but I get such a *sense of accomplishment* from them that I rarely find anywhere else. *I’m sometimes afraid* that my life won’t allow my to *experience that same satisfaction*, but then I have experiences like X and *I feel completely overwhelmed* by it, and it’s so much better than Game Y’s experience.” Every highlighted phrase is an emotional statement. Even if the person you’re talking to isn’t a gamer, they are a human, and they can understand your emotional reaction. By talking this way you’re learning to reveal who you are as a person. What you feel. What your fears and insecurities are.
4. **Learn to stop focusing on** ***that*** **girl.** Men with low self confidence tend to fixate their romantic desires by focusing on a crush. On that ONE girl who is perfect. The goddess. The ideal partner. As you go through life this fantasy changes of course. The next crush is the one ideal. And then the one after, etc. STOP DOING THIS. A self-assured guy isn’t a fishing rod, he’s a net. If a fish swims into that net you can take a look at it and decide if you want it, but you’re not focusing on it alone. You’re open to everything that swims your way. Eventually, the ones that do will start being attracted to you. They’ll see what you are about, feel your confidence and self-assuredness, and start telling you they’re into you. (Not verbally, but with behavioral cues.) As you get better with yourself you’ll start reading these as well. Over time, you’ll stop focusing on getting dates and just be open to whatever comes. This, ironically, is how you get dates.
**TLDR.** You’ve fallen vicitm to one of the classic paradoxes. The best way to get dates is to stop obsessing about getting dates and learn to open yourself up to whatever comes your way/
Approach anxiety exists because approaching random women is not the norm. The fact that you’re approaching a girl in public at all is going to put you into a certain bucket in her mind, and it’s not one you want to be in.
I’d suggest finding ways to meet girls that don’t involve just walking up out of the blue and chatting with them. Dating apps, friends of friends, hobby groups in your city, etc. are all better long-term methods.
Talk to lots of girls/women. Just be casual and regular.
If you are good looking make a Tinder profile or hit up girls on IG. Perhaps it will be easier for you to chat em up online.
The trick is to just do it and do it often. Once you realize getting rejected is part of life, your confidence will skyrocket.
“Hi, I like what I see, wonna hang out, give me your number”.
Practice in the mirror if need be say it enough times it just rolls of your tongue, say it differently, say it louder, say it softer, just get comfortable in saying it.
Say it to strangers even ones your not interested in.
Confidence is built upon. So build your own.
Its something we all have to do n mkstly its done alone.
Doing it so many times you forget the number of times you’ve approach and you realize it doesn’t even matter.
When you start out you’ll get AA because you’re doing something out of the norm for you. Once you get that rejection you’ll realize you feel better than you would have if you hadn’t approached, and you got REJECTED.
All PUA start cold when they go gaming, that’s why many do things to get warmed-up like talking to strangers, bartenders or just random girls, casual conversations here or there. After they get in the zone then they do the more serious approaches.
So you wanna get over AA? Approach, approach, APPROACH!
You are young. Let me impart you with knowledge that took me a long ass time to figure out on my own. So maybe you won’t make the *some* of the same mistakes I have.
You meet a girl, that you kind of like, think is cute but aren’t really acquainted with. But this is the important part: you start wondering about her. Before you start fantasizing about the girl you barely know. When will you see her? Does she like you? Does she like this over guy more? What will you two talk about next time you see her? And on and on and on. Stop. Full stop. This is literally mental masturbation that will not stop until you get hurt. This is so common to do for guys it’s not even funny. Just ask them out. It’ll be anxiety inducing, really nerve racking. But go jerk off and think realistically; you face two outcomes. You’ll face rejection or you get a date. If you don’t do this, you will think about her every day until you do then when you finally write her a confession letter or tell her. Then you will be obliviously shocked to find out she only saw you as a friend. You missed your chance by waiting months and months. Now you have way more hurt than if you asked her out in the beginning and wasted months of your time and mind as well. This is how people get “friend zoned.”
How to talk to girls. Just talk to them as you talk to your friends. Literally just that. Make the same jokes. Don’t act different because it’s a special alien species. They are people like you. It really helps to have girls as friends so you can figure this out sooner
Maybe not wait to talk to only those women whose numbers you want. You could just look for opportunities to talk to women in general, just to make conversation. It’s a lot less pressure that way, and if you happen across a conversation where you’re clicking with a girl, then at the end see if you can get her number to talk some more.
Basically what r/ButtholeBanquets said.
Why are you saying ‘girl’? You should say ‘woman’. Calling adult women ‘girls’ is sexist and infantilising.