Me (female) and my boyfriend (male), —both 21– have been together for almost six months now. We’re the complete opposite of each other when it comes to physical affection. He’s never really been the one to spontaneously come and hug or kiss me, while I do it all the time. However, it starts to feel like i’m suffocating him. Almost every time I ask for a hug or a kiss he sighs. Sometimes, he doesn’t even hug me back. Even though he says he’s always been like this and that I shouldn’t take it personal, it still hurts. I just don’t know what to do, it feels like if I stop doing it, we’ll never do it except maybe once or twice a day. Should I just stop and let him come to me?
EDIT: I should note that he’s being investigated for Asperger’s but it’s not official yet.
Tl;dr
My boyfriend doesn’t spontaneously come and hug or kiss me, while I do it all the time. In response, I get a sigh. He says he’s always been like that. What should I do?
6 comments
As someone who absolutely hates physical touch: This isn’t going to change.
Have you two done the love language quiz? I suspect that he might score zero in physical touch and you will score high. Different love languages can be quite the issue – and if that’s the case, what it needs is very good communication. You two need to tell each other how you feel. How does it make you feel if you don’t get to touch him? How does it make him feel when you keep touching him? Talk about it and try to find a middle ground!
When it comes to such things, it’s really about managing things which can, potentially, be called incompatibilities. Which is why I advise you to actually have a talk with him instead of doing some tests about letting him come to you. Because if he doesn’t come then, you’ll just be hurt and things get even more crappy and that isn’t healthy. Open, honest communication is always the way to go.
Maybe you two can compromise. If you can get through to him that you need hugs to feel happy, he might say that he doesn’t like it if you just come up to him. Maybe a compromise could be that you get hugs he also initiates in certain situations (when one of you comes home, in the morning, before leaving, on the couch when sitting together), but you stop the “surprise-hugs” in return for him giving you more “planned” hugs. Something like that. But as boring as it seems to discuss when to kiss or hug, it might be what he needs, especially if there is Asperger’s involved.
Well yes you’re the complete opposite of each other – there’s limited options. Accept the way he is or leave. You knew he was like this when you made the decision to be in a relationship
A couple of things. He may suffer from some type of personality disorder or just is NOT that into you. Either way he told you this is who he is, and it is NOT going to change. He’s only 21 and that age he should be all over you trying to sex you up all the damn time. Your choices are to stay and be miserable or leave and find someone suitable to your feelings. What’s so hard? You’re welcome…lol
I cannot for the life of me se why he wants a girlfriend but doesn’t want to touch you? Are you the help? Do you do the washing, cooking, cleaning? I’ve always wanted a girl friend that wants me, mentally, physically and emotionally. If he doesn’t provide what you need then find someone who does!
There will always be a disconnect. If it bothers you it’s time to move on. Living in constant pain will change you. The converse of this is someone who celebrates your language of love which will be amazing. That too, will change you.
Will this make you happy in the long run?
Your decision to make.