I have a crushing fear that everyone will automatically hate me or dislike me. I try to overcome this by attending social events and meeting new people whenever I can, but when I do, I’m usually on the periphery and never feel like I have anything to say.
I have ADHD, which caused a lot of my social struggles when I was younger, and I’ve had to manage how that affects my socializing over the past few years. Despite my improvements and all I do to put myself out there, I’m still too closed off to make an impression, and express myself and my sense of humor.
I get into some pretty negative spirals where my self-hatred can sometimes be unbearable, and I really don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to regain confidence in my likability, would you guys have any advice?
5 comments
Interesting thing about this situation (and it’s fairly common!) is that it sort of presumes you don’t have anything to offer. Like all the value in the world is contained in others liking you. When in fact, isn’t there value also in YOU liking other people? In you reaching out and taking an interest? Etc.
It kind of sets other people up as the judge of all that is Right and Good with the world, including YOU and whether you pass some sort of imaginary test.
But in reality, you can be the agent of your own destiny. You can choose to do positive things, pay attention to people, offer them what you’ve got in terms of time, conversation, whatever you’ve got going on. And THAT is valuable in itself! Not because other people make some sort of judgment about you.
Anyway, you asked for ways to overcome this mindset and I believe it begins in recognizing you have something to offer, and starting in VERY SMALL ways to show that. One day at a time, one interaction at a time.
So instead of seeking acceptance, go out there and find someone TO ACCEPT. And don’t make it some person you’re trying to impress, or befriend or get something from, even if that something is as simple as acknowledgement. Instead, YOU be the one to get out there and offer acceptance, acknowledgement, a kind word, a bright smile, a compliment, an offer of help, something, anything! Find someone who is lonely or bored or not liked so much or everyone ignores in the neighborhood, at school, at work, wherever. And YOU be the one to brighten their day.
Then look up ‘pay-it-forward’ exercises or ideas online, and pick one to do each day. Or start being a regular volunteer someplace. Reason: you need to start seeing the planet as being a better place because YOU SHOWED UP.
That’s how you start growing your confidence and self-esteem one day at a time.
Because you matter.
ADHD specific therapy and treatment is what helped me. Rejection sensitive dysphoria and self loathing are very much a part of ADHD for a lot of people. It makes it so that you dread the possibility of a negative interaction before you are even in the situation to the point where your brain will create a bias. You will be miserable in anticipation of a social situation, be preoccupied during the actual situation, and automatically interpret any vague or non positive interaction as rejection. This leads to the negative self talk cycle where you loathe yourself for even struggling with these issues.
All of this stems from your ADHD and because of it being a symptom the only way to address it is to treat your ADHD. Therapy can help you unravel some of the internal biases that you aren’t even aware you have been living with. It can also help provide the mental tools to help recognize these thought patterns and divert them before they spiral. For many, once their ADHD becomes more managed it can lead to a healthier internal relationship and therefore a healthier external relationship.
Just stop giving so much of a fuck about what people think of you.
I would guess someone was a big asshole to you, and you cared about their opinion. My suggestion is to figure out who and forgive them, they were much more dumb than you thought.
In the same boat! Also 23, not sure if I have ADHD, though I suspect I’m neurodivergent in some way. I really need help with this too. I work in a very social office setting, and while I’ve come a long way, sometimes I get *so frustrated* that I can’t just get out of my head, relax, and be myself. Literally wanna cry about it on the way home.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps to know I’m not alone. I sincerely hope you figure this stuff out and live a fulfilling and happy life!