Hi all (M26) here. Been having trouble with love all my life. Have been on several dates and had several relationships. But never been with someone who I was attracted to. The kicker is I’m not all that attractive myself. Relatively fit but short, slight-framed and with a receding hairline, I’m no one’s 8/10 – so I probably went out with people in my own “League” lol. No matter how much we clicked on a conversational level, or how many months we spent together, I never got to the point where I wanted to get physical with any of them.
Most of the women I asked out when I was younger flat out rejected me so I started (holy crap this sounds shallow) lowering my standards and I had more success. Most of these relationships ended amicably (probably because there ended up being very little in the way of emotional investment) but I’ve taken a break from dating in the past two years because I don’t want to invest emotional energy in very possibly making some poor lady feel neglected because I can’t trick my brain into feeling attraction.
I look around me though, and I see many less than ideal couples happily together with what I assume are healthy sex lives. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why can’t I make peace with my lot while so many others seem to be able to do it? I guess if I should try to find some kind of a Freudian explanation, I hit puberty the same year I was science partners with an extremely pretty girl I ended up becoming good friends with.
I want to know if people in similar positions (basically the other 3/10 guys lol) how you managed to find happiness with someone you weren’t initially attracted to or how you managed to have a healthy sex life with someone that you still aren’t attracted to.
Please take this question seriously, I want to know what I can do that works, because simply spending time with someone for six months until I become attracted to their personality hasn’t worked for me in the past(not to mention I could end up hurting someone a lot this way)
I’m 26 right now and I’m going to be 30 in only four years. I know this sounds pathetic but I am so afraid of missing out on young love while I still have the chance.
11 comments
I agree with you that the idea of dating someone you’re not into physically in hopes of falling for their personality is doomed — it *can* work if it’s a friend and you naturally develop feelings for them after not initially being interested, but that’s different because you only pursue them after those feelings develop.
I assume people find their own partner attractive even if society doesn’t. For example, I’m personally kind of a health nut, so it’s hard for me to find someone attractive who’s not in great shape, but plenty of people don’t have that issue! So a woman society deems not super attractive can still end up with a man who thinks she’s beautiful.
Of course, there’s not really much you can do about what you’re attracted to. Best thing you can do is improve on yourself. You can get muscular, work on your wardrobe, work on your grooming (find a haircut that flatters your hairline, get facial hair), etc.
You called yourself a 3/10. Improve on yourself to 5/10 (higher factoring in personality?) and I think you’ll be able to attract someone you’re also interested in. And just have the courage to ask people out even if you feel they’re out of your league, if you’re interested just do it. Rejection costs you nothing.
I need an answer to this as well. I was raped by a bigger lady when I was a kid and now that’s all I can muster up to talk to
Only an idiot compares himself to other idiots.
Hah.
Get with the program. Focus on what you are passionate about. And women come banging at your door to the point you can’t distinguish a rotten egg from a diamond.
And then world is a lot more dangerous…. So don’t envy.
So just focus on what you enjoy. And live a good life.
So… I’m a girl and can’t fully empathize with what it’s like to be a man in your position, but I can offer some advice from the other side.
I say just go for the women you’re attracted to instead of trying to change your attraction. It seems like your confidence is hurting you a lot in this regard because when you were younger you got rejected a lot. Don’t let it stop you. A lot of women I know that are around our age don’t care about looks all that much as long as the man is presentable and has other qualities that make up for it. Younger women care more about looks because they haven’t figured out anything else they want in a relationship, like someone who has a stable career, shares their interests and values, is good with kids, etc.
Confidence goes a long way and I would say that is actually one of the biggest things that attract other women. If you act like you don’t have a chance then people will pick up on it and not find you attractive which will just make you keep repeating the cycle. Be confident, show everything that you have to offer (but don’t brag, try to be modest but proud of these qualities), and I’m sure that will at least lead to more dates with the kind of women you desire.
Other things you could do are go to the gym and improve your physique and dress nicer. Those are the two biggest things appearance wise that people notice the most.
Best of luck.
I’m gonna go against the grain here.
There’s so much people can do to be attractive. Everything is a click away. We’re all inundated with the most beautiful and interesting people in media.
It’s a huge problem with dating now.
If a person who is a “8” and has grown up with and spends most of their time with “8”s (fun interesting hobbies, excellent grooming and style, probably good genetics, well-developed personality, etc), don’t you think they’re used to “8”s? Is it likely they’ll be attratced to someone without those things?
If a man constantly watches porn with ridiculously groomed, curated, and surgically enhanced women, do you think he’ll be attracted to normal women in his life who don’t have professional makeup and lighting crews?
If a woman is constantly getting dates and sex from or watching romcoms about fascinating, seductive, wealthly guys who know exactly what to do and say and have loads of experience, do you think she’ll be attracted to an only decently above-average guy?
You can’t *directly control* what you’re attracted to and give specific orders. But you can *influence* what affects your attraction, like influencing your environment. People need to self-reflect on that.
I feel sorry for the girls you dated and didn’t like… Like why do people do that? Stay alone, if you can’t match w anyone you like. People are not toys to play with.
Picking people to date based off looks feels shallow and disgusting to me. I’ve never dated people based on attraction, but I have chosen to not date people because they looked too good, which I take as people being narcissistic. In my mind, you need an emotional attraction only, because in 20 years your going to look old anyways. What happens when she is 50? If you dated her because she looked hot, well she won’t be hot anymore and only your emotional connection will carry the relationship.
You did what most average and below average men do/will have to do. The problem is, they coped harder than you. You’re self aware and honest about your experience while they just keep pretending. I’ve seen it more times than I can count when I’m out in public.
“A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.” – Schopenhauer
To reiterate: You are free to do what you desire, but you are not free to choose your desires.
Become rich. Or… the old fashioned term was mail order brides, but same idea. If you are not that attractive and are only attracted to 9-10 ladies and can’t become rich then this is an option.