I don’t have that issue; if I don’t say how I feel or what I’m thinking, I’ll explode.
I’m sure someone who finds it hard to express themselves verbally probably wonders the same thing about someone who doesn’t.
Edit: I am asking because it’s very upsetting to me that men feel they can’t express themselves or feel they’re bad at it because they’re afraid of what might come after. I want men to know that they don’t have to hide what they’re feeling from the people they care about/from the people who care about them.
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Fear of judgement and ostracism.
I like to bottle everything up in hopes of one day spontaneously combusting.
Sometimes we have a feeling if we say what’s on our mind. It won’t be understood, and we don’t want to spend more time/words explaining in order to understand. So we just say nothing instead, and just figure it out on our own.
For one thing, I don’t really think in words all the time. I don’t have an inner monologue. My thoughts can be difficult to articulate. Like right now I’m constantly editing what I’m typing. It doesn’t just come out as a stream of coherent sentences.
And as for what I’m feeling… I’m just not very in touch with my feelings.
Also, nobody cares.
bro I can barely tell what parts of my body hurt, never mind my emotions
Better to stay silent and have people think you’re stupid than speak up and let them know you’re stupid.
I have a talent for upsetting people on accident. And it’s tiring to deal with them every time.
I know you won’t like what’s on my mind, and I’m not ready for you to exit my life.
1) Everything you say changes someone’s perspective of you so some people want to be measured about showing weakness as it alters relationship.
2) there is plenty that is said out of emotion that can’t be taken back. Sometimes it’s better to sit on something and ensure it’s what you want to say.
Now I and many others take this to extremes and don’t talk when they need help but these are generally two reasons
I dunno where my mind is.
Sometimes, there may be problems at both ends. The person may not be able to verbally say what they want in the way they want to, *while* there is no one in their life who cares.
I guess these days there are people with degrees and licenses (maybe?) who will pretend to care if you pay them.
That’s because men are taught not to express feelings and just suck it up and deal with it.
As a qualifier, I’m tired so I might be misinterpreting things but I think you are conflating two different things.
There’s the ‘*why don’t men share things that are troubling to them’/’why don’t men share their emotions*’? and there’s the ‘*what is he really thinking about*’.
For the former, men are expected to be stoic and, inevitably, when they’re in a relationship they will learn – the hard way – that while women say they want a man to open up and be vulnerable, the reality is that most women not only do NOT want this, they lose attraction for the man who does do this. So it’s a painful trial and error process and we learn to just bottle up our thoughts.
With regard to the other, sometimes we’re thinking of something so esoteric or bizarre that it would take a long winded back story to explain why we’re thinking what we’re thinking and even with said back story you might look at us askew.
I have had some weird thoughts that I keep to myself because they’re just **weird**. Other times I’ve had thoughts that spring off of *still yet other thoughts* and trying to explain why I’m thinking what I’m thinking is such an arduous task that it’s tiring to even contemplate unwinding the mess in order to articulate it coherently.
I for one used to express my feelings. As a man I thought maybe I was a progressive thinker. Lol man was I wrong, turns out when men really do express their feelings we are then classified as weak and unstable.
I will be harassed by women saying: “Just man up and deal with it.” Which can hurt but you get used to it. Also I don’t explode when I hold in my feelings. Also no one really cares, they just want to look like they do
Gotta get over my hatred of sugarcoating things. A lot of people in my life focus on their feelings rather than the message in trying to convey.
Used to be fear of retaliation or my thoughts being weaponized against me.
Now I don’t care, people can go fuck themselves. I do what I want.
I’m not good with putting my thoughts into words.
Your saying that men don’t have to hide what they’re feeling doesn’t make it true. Men are under immense pressure to provide stability and often that means putting on a brave face.
1. Translation from thought to language isn’t always available
2. It’s not always interesting enough to say, if I speak there is a reason for it
3. Not all of us want to be an open book, part of this is feeling like being open isn’t safe, part of it is that sometimes we just don’t want to talk about everything
Really depends on his circle of people.
I imagine most men will confide in their best friends (usually other men) or family. In fact, I would advise that for the most part.
If men don’t open up to anyone, it’s likely because they’ve had a bad experience opening up to others which is incredibly unfortunate.
I don’t open up to most ppl because I manage the majority of my issues on my own. I would think this is also probably true for many men.
“hide what they’re feeling from the people they care about/from the people who care about them.”
Both of these groups, both of them REALLY small, may see a larger facet of who I am than most but they are unlikely to see the full depths of certain sides of it. Also, more generally, there is a certain mask you put on depending on what environment you’re in – family, work, acquaintances, team mates, out in public, etc.
No one, especially myself, would really want to see the whole of me or be in my head fulltime. Sometimes I tell that voice in my head to shut up, and sometimes it surprisingly listens for a while. Reality can be a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.
Even on the lighter/humorous side, some things have to be toned down several degrees for general consumption.
Besides all that, expressing what I’m thinking/feeling in a coherent precise way sure as hell doesn’t come naturally to me. If I’m “winging it” you will all to often be painfully aware that is exactly what I’m doing. Instead of words flowing like a river, they are more likely to perform like an old wooden crate bouncing haphazardly down some misaligned basement stairs only to come to a sudden stop in jagged splintery shambles.
As a kid, my negative emotions were always treated as an inconvenience, if I was anything less than okay my parents got annoyed. On the other end of things, if I was too happy, excited etc I’d get teased and made fun of. So I just learnt to be “okay” if I was ever asked.
And if I wanted anything I was usually told I was being greedy, selfish or an inconvenience – so wanting things was something I learnt to ignore too.
Now, as an adult I feel stuck most of the time, like there’s a wall between myself and others because I can’t correctly express what’s on my mind if it’s not purely practical.
Like if I’m presented with a problem or a practical task I can explain my solution pretty well and with detail. If you ask how I’m feeling then I have no damn idea.
Plus if I can pinpoint how I’m feeling, I don’t really express it. Which then just causes a bunch of other problems. Like someone gives me a gift that I really appreciate or I’m at an event I’m expected to be excited for, I absolutely am, I just don’t show it externally so people get upset thinking I don’t appreciate it.
I don’t really know how I feel or what I want most of the time
– Being conditioned from birth by society in general to not express your feelings and being greeted by ridicule, hostility and/or confusion if and when you do.
– Having few people (if you’re lucky) who you can truly confide in and relate to.
– Never knowing when something you said will be used against you.
– Most people seemingly don’t really give a shit and/or care about you and the way you see things.
Women’s reactions
>I want men to know that they don’t have to hide what they’re feeling from the people they care about/from the people who care about them.
This is a nice feel-good sentiment but most of us have already learned the hard way. You most likely don’t want to hear the honest truth
We know we can express our feelings and emotions, but we like simplicity. Talking about things like that is a long and drawn out process that turns into a long event.
Or it could be that the people in that man’s life don’t shut up and listen, but interject withquestions or criticisms etc. I feel bad for those guys.
because words paint a poor picture of the things in my head. also, I’m male. people have less empathy for me and don’t care to understand nearly as much.
Because the repercussions are far too great. If I complain about my wife’s lackluster attitude towards sex she automatically assumes I hate her, so I just avoid the argument altogether. As a man you learn that peace is priceless
Nobody actually cares what’s on my mind.
>I want men to know that they don’t have to hide what they’re feeling
Personally, I enjoy hiding my feelings. The more the world tries to get in, the more I like to keep them out.
The sheer damage I can cause. People regard me as a nice person. They don’t know I can spit venom like a drunk dilophosarus.
I do say what’s on my mind and people hate it, especially women.
I am emotional and also a man, and that is a huge problem for me. I do work on myself, and getting more stoic. But people are mostly annoyed that I don’t feel what they want, or I feel too much.
Women think they want this, but the second you show more emotions then they expect, relationship is already dead, you see it in their eyes, and they will tell you as well.
That’s why I don’t date anymore, I rather be me, with emotions and everything. And women do find me funny and wanna be friends, just not partners.
*P.S. For men who are emotional as well, learn to master your emotions, don’t trust the female emotion propaganda, no woman wants a man who isn’t fully in control of his emotions.*
In what context?
Sometimes I’m thinking something but I haven’t finished thinking it through, so I need time to think more before putting it out there. Don’t want to drop some
And generally speaking, if something upsetting is on my mind most people just don’t care, especially women. Its seen as a womanly trait to just say whatevers on your mind and a manly one to keep it all bottled up. Women love it when guys open up to them occasionally, but if your always open then they kind of just get bored or unattracted to you fast. I say this as someone who has mostly female friends.
It would be better to ask “what does make men say what’s on their mind”
For me, I’m worried about getting to angry if I bottle things up so I try to express anything thar pisses me off. I’ll also drop what’s on my kind if it’s something that’s probably going to affect the other person in some way. Or if it’s something I need help thinking through.
It’s not difficult I usually just don’t want to. When I feel bad I want to get on to things that will make me feel good, or at least distracted enough to take my mind off things while I simmer down.
Talking about it just throws my mind back into the bad without doing anything to alleviate it. I get that it’s cathartic for some but most of the time it just isn’t for me, it’s more like picking at a scab. If I feel like it may be an exception then that’ll be one of the times I do try talking about it.
You seem nice, seems like most people aren’t so nice.
No one is attracted to a sad person. I don’t want to kill my chances at intimacy by talking about my feelings.
Men are expected to just suck it up and deal.
Fear of using what I say against me later.
No one really cares.
Two sides of a bad coin. People should be able to be happy without venting every thought as if everybody should pay attention. Never saying what your feeling, for example, “hey shut up for ten fucking minutes every once in a while.” isn’t always taken well.
hi, i am autistic. around 50% of autistic persons got a comorbidity called alexithymia. which is kind of an internal lack of knowing what a person feels and having additional a much narrower range of feelings compared to neurotypicals. i am saying this because it is estimated 9-17% of men got alexithymia but only 5-10% of women in the overall population. it is a very underdiagnosed condition. because in a room of 100 adult men about 15% dont have the same access to feelings like 90% of women. and most people dont know that.
my personal theory is that many clichees about men are rooted because of this reason. e.g. jokes like “men speak only about two emotions: hungriness and horniness” (this is an german example). this condition is also in a spectrum. some have it extreme, some only in certain aspects.
in my case, if you ask me something with an emotional topic like how do i feel about something, i will probably give a rational answer. not as a cop-out, but because most of the times i have no idea what i am feeling and actually most of the times i also dont care what i feel. e.g. if i have a task, i have to do it either way. so why must i have a feeling about it? additional many things are training. if someone isnt used to speak about feelings, it is hard to develop the internal awareness and the words to communicate about it. i worked at a hospital in the pathology, and i needed 3 years to understand about a certain incident to notice eventually that i was sad that day 3 years ago. my girlfriend is neurotypical and loves to talk about emotions, so i try to get a better understanding and in my view i made much progress, but talking about feelings is not my default and i would seldom ask a not rational question.
the only feelings i can really feel and be aware of are rage, grief and sympathy but only, if the “volume button is on the highest possible level”. in the mean time i feel neutral which looks to the outside as content. i am already blessed because some people with alexthymia don’t experience love but i can 🙂 . people with this condition also tend to feel feelings through body functions / psychosomatic. e.g. i get headaches instead of feeling worried and i get short breaths instead of feeling fear. and i can only feel disgust regarding behaviours. i would have no problem to lick a spider, but people can disgust me (e.g. if they enjoy hurting others). one interesting thing: if i see an image of a face, i cant distinguish if they are surprised or disgusted or experience fear. because these are the feelings i cant experience in the fullest (and also because i am an autist and have a hard time to read mimics). and no, i am not a psychopath thankgod.
For me it’s a combination of not really being able to properly explain and express myself in person, overthinking, and the internet being a more viable outlet for what I am thinking.
My problem has traditionally been saying what’s on my mind.
There’s plenty of societal pressures on guys to not express themselves and usually no benefit to actually doing so. This is a pretty common topic here.
Men and women share in different ways.
Women care about sharing what they feeling and thinking about what’s going on in their immediate lives – their family, friends, job, purchases, wishes, wants. And when they share that they want a listener who understands their emotions, supports them, advises them, listens to them.
Men care about sharing their identity and beliefs. They don’t care too much to share their feelings stemming from immediate relationships but rather their feelings about tribal identities like race, religion, politics, hobbies and passions, work etc.
The problem is that men are increasingly isolated in a world where every person has their own identity and beliefs today. Men are rather rigid about that, even if the other person is otherwise “friendly”.
Of course, men sharing feelings is considered a weakness. I don’t think it is cultural- I think it is ingrained in all of us. Men can share feelings in some situations but it’s with close lifelong friends only. Men are afraid that sharing can cause people to weaponize it later. (And both men and women can do that). The world has lesser sympathy for men.
Sometimes nothing is on my mind. But a women wont believe you.
>What makes it so hard to say what’s on your mind?
Were just not built that way. Asking is what’s on our mind, makes it harder for us to say what’s on our mind because we have to think about it, rationalise it and most of the time this can only be achieved in solitude like on the toilet. Which is one of the reasons we take so long in there. You have no idea how important moments of solitude are to man. Putting us on the spot won’t yield the desired results.
>I don’t have that issue; if I don’t say how I feel or what I’m thinking, I’ll explode.
I can’t speak for all men but I’m the exact opposite. I can go the whole day or longer without needing to express how I feel or think to someone.
>I am asking because it’s very upsetting to me that men feel they can’t express themselves or feel they’re bad at it because they’re afraid of what might come after.
We can express ourselves, just not the same way women do it. If we do it the same way women do it, society ignores us and most women don’t respect us. Some say this is a double standard, I say its a *different* standard, because men and women are different and as much as we deny it, as much as they say we’re equal, society still has *different* expectations for men and women.
>I want men to know that they don’t have to hide what they’re feeling from the people they care about/from the people who care about them.
As much as your heart is in the right place, these words are meaningless. Men have to be cautious with how much they *express* themselves because society has had very little tolerance for our emotions unlike for women.
As men who have constantly been relied on to be the stoic leaders and protectors of families and societies, being emotional was never an ideal trait. It needed someone calm under pressure in times of crisis. Emotional men are like those little boys who constantly run to their mums when they can’t handle life. This is fine as a child, but a disaster as a teen or adult.
This doesn’t mean that men don’t say how they feel. If you listen carefully men always talk about how a *situation*, *person* or *things* triggered an emotion.
For example:
“This *car* is driving me up the wall.” = I’m frustrated.
” I recommended *him*, got *him* a job and that’s how he repays me?” = I’m hurt, heartbroken.
“Why would *she* want anything *to do with me*? = I’m have low self-esteem and probably depressed.
But cornering a guy, asking him to sit down and delve deep into his psyche and talk about how he is feeling at that ALWAYS backfires. ALWAYS puts up more walls than it tears down.
TL:DR Men need a solid reason to justify why they should express their emotions. It’s not spontaneous.
Women make it hard I guess. The judgement women give men about being emotional, after as a direct result of abuse or trauma is staggering. The judgement women give men for NOT being emotional is also quite astonishing.
Also the feel of constant policing, a guy can’t approach a girl and compliment her because it’s, “kind of creepy”, a guy can’t like a certain “girly” thing because it’s “gay” or “not manly enough”.
You can say that you want men to be open, but this is all a two way street.
There are many reasons why someone might find it difficult to express themselves or share what’s on their mind. Some common reasons include fear of rejection, fear of judgment, lack of confidence in their communication skills, or past negative experiences with expressing themselves. Some people may also feel that their thoughts and feelings are not important or valid, or that they are not entitled to share them.
It’s important to recognize that everyone has the right to express their thoughts and feelings, and that it’s okay to share them with others, including the people we care about. It can be helpful to practice good communication skills and to try to create a safe and supportive environment where it’s okay to express oneself. This might involve actively listening to others, using “I” statements to express oneself, and being open and non-judgmental when someone shares their thoughts and feelings with you. It’s also important to remember that it’s okay to ask for help or support if you’re having trouble expressing yourself, and that seeking out a therapist or other mental health professional can be a helpful way to work through these challenges
1.Trauma
2.Nobody cares anyway
3.Depression
4.Lack of anyone trustworthy enough