This is my first ever post here so I apologise in advance for any issues with formatting etc.
I (25F) used to babysit for my sister (30F) a lot, particularly before the pandemic, even if I was at her house after being invited for dinner, I would end up watching her kids while she went to the store for a few hours. I have never had any issue with this and I enjoyed having time with my niece and nephews. When I met my now husband (32M), he and my sister didn’t particularly get along well, but they were civil towards one another. I still babysat when I could, but due to the pandemic and moving house, this happened less but I still offered and helped out whenever I was asked, we just didn’t spend as much time together as a family.
Due to my job, there is limited time I can take off and only at certain times, so when planning my wedding we had to take that into consideration. We decided that we would use the money we saved to go on a long vacation that we had always dreamed of, and elope halfway through the trip. The problem is that the day after we flew out was my sister’s birthday, and she had anticipated that I would be available to watch her children that weekend so she could have a getaway with her fiancee (33M). I had offered to babysit the weekend prior or once I had returned, but as I only get limited time off, I wouldn’t be able to look after her children on that particular weekend as I would be going to get married. My parents had also offered to watch the kids on the dates she wanted but had refused.
When I last went to her house, she was making snide remarks, and made an accusation that my partner was abusive, because in her eyes he clearly was keeping me away from my family, despite the fact that he has always encouraged me to watch the kids, and enjoyed spending time with them himself. He has even been an incredible host to my parents when they visit and always asks to speak with them on the phone.
I don’t know how to go on from here, it has now been months since I last spoke to my sister, I wished her a happy birthday to no response and she hasn’t acknowledged my marriage. I wish to have the relationship we once had, and I miss my niblings, this will be the first Christmas I have had without seeing them in 8 years. I want to spoil them and buy them gifts, but I don’t know how to approach the subject. I considered dropping gifts at their house but I don’t know if that effort would be wasted, and by calling my sister she will expect me to take the blame, although I have previously admitted fault that I don’t see them as often anymore due to circumstance. I feel like if I call her I will end up getting a verbal beating and I will just accept what she has to say to keep the peace.
So reddit, should I surrender and call my sister, or just move on?
25 comments
First of all, she shouldn’t have assumed you’d be available. If she wanted you to babysit, she should have asked in advance. There’s nothing for you to apologize for. You were going on vacay and getting married!
You’re married and you have a career. You cannot be as available to her now as before. She thinks she can bully/guilt you into being her on call free babysitter again. Not cool.
I’d send gifts. I’d reach out and tell her Merry Xmas. But I wouldn’t apologize for prioritizing your life/marriage/job over offering free childcare in a non emergent situation:
Your relationship with your sister sounds incredibly conditional on what you can do for her.
Was it always like this? Did she do anything for you when you were babysitting?
It sounds like she’s angry she lost her built in babysitter to your now husband… but I think we need more info about your relationship in the past for clarity.
is your sister a narcissist?
if so, there are only slave or traitors. If you become a slave, you are will likely have a mental break down or die trying or your husband will divorce you. If you become a traitor, your sister might weaponise your relationship with your nieces and nephews. There are no good options. Either way, IMO I would go low contact and move on.
curious as to why your parents are less preferred, than you… maybe because you didn’t resist in the past.
If you do a lot of favors to someone, sometimes they think that as your job rather than a luxury and then complain about it.
Send your gifts but do not engage with her provocations. If she wants to taunt you, let her hang herself, keep your calm.
Do not go to her house alone, go to that house with a group. Dont speak with her alone by yourself or visit a home where she will also visit.
Also do not do favors for her anymore even if you are avaliable, you do not want her to learn that if she insists you will give up and obey.
I am not sure about narcism, that is a very specific personality disorder that requires a professional to diagnose. This is “feeling entitled” and even many normal looking people will pout & scream if they feel like they are losing priviledges.
NTA
Don’t surrender. If you do she will expect this from you no matter the situation.
This sounds like a very transactional relationship. You get to be in her life, as long as you babysit whenever she wants. Also, her calling your relationship abusive is very manipulative. It’s also calling te pot calling the kettle black, because she sounds like the only one who behaves like a (ab)user. In your place, I would accept the situation as it is. You have nothing to apologize for, she has plenty to apologize for. It doesn’t sound like she views it like that, and you can wait until you’re an old woman for her to treat you with empathy and respect. I wouldn’t want to have any relationship like this.
Your sister is spoiled and selfish and tbh I wouldn’t apologize, I’d let her come crawling back since she’s TA here, you might want to limit contact with her even though it would mean not seeing her kids but it’s all on her IMO.
“My parents had also offered to watch the kids on the dates she wanted but had refused.”
And that’s the tell. It was never about needing a babysitter, it was about control.
Move on
Your sister is happy with you when its on HER terms. When you suddenly have your own life and responsibilities, she starts having issues.
Your sister is very clearly manipulating you and using her kids to do it.
Absolutely not. You could give the presents to your parents, perhaps for when the kids are at their house? But she is the one in the wrong.
Your sister sounds incredibly selfish to me. She assumed you’d be available, and now has become nasty when you weren’t. Plus she’s insulting what’s clearly a really nice guy. She’s just trying to rile you up. Don’t let her. I honestly would move on, she is not worth it in the long run imho
Your sister sounds like a narcissistic asshole. Everything has to be all about her. She’s the one who had these kids, not you. She has to realize that you’re entitled to have a life of your own and not just be her on call babysitter. For the love of God don’t apologize, you have nothing to say you’re sorry for… if anything your sister should be the one apologizing to you for being such a colossal bitch.
Don’t surrender. Your sister is a user who weaponized her kids.
Your sister only cares about what you can do for her. Which is babysitting her children. She didn’t allow your parents to babysit her kids because she wanted to ‘ prove a point ‘. She’s just overall a rude person
Your sister is a bitch. She expects you to be at her beck and call. You’re not allowed to have a life outside of babysitting her kids. She didn’t ask you in advance to babysit, she just expected it. She decided to throw a tantrum, called your husband abusive because you wouldn’t drop everything and babysit.
Your parents offered to babysit and she turned them down. I bet she says you ruined her birthday. I’d go at least Low Contact with her for a while. Leave the kids gifts with your parents. I’m surprised your parents aren’t telling her to knock it off and that you don’t owe her anything.
What from this story aren’t you telling us
Is she working for your for free as well or does she only expect free labor from you?
Why do you want to have the relationship you had before? The one where you were their free babysitting service, their slave so they didn’t have to have responsibility for their children?
You should tell your sister that her actions are childish, and that if this is how she wants to act, all because she is upset that you got married and had a honeymoon, then she can do without you in her life.
Then you tell all the family members exactly what you have been through, and anyone who takes her side, you cut out as well.
You are entitled to your life, you are not a slave to your sister.
A sibling relationship is one of love and respect, not of service.
Did she not know you were getting married that weekend? Why was she planning to be anywhere else but by your side?
Birthday or not, your wedding should take precedent and she could have celebrated later.
Instead, she used you and got pissed when her easy solution was taken away.
She’s manipulative and hateful. Sorry, but I’d go no contact and move on.
I’m sorry.
Unfortunately, your sister is an awful human being. Until they’re 18, she’s in control of them. You’re not gong to get anywhere by feeding into her because it’s going to make her more confident in her bullshit. I would send her one message along the lines of.
“I’m not sorry. You’re an entitled out of control monster, and I am not sorry that after years of favors and me doing work for you for free, there was a weekend where my time needed to be my own, and not yours. You even had alternatives, but being the martyr is so much more important to you than even the event you were trying to have, or being a good sister, mother or person, that you could not control yourself and ruined your own birthday. I feel bad your children are stuck with you, but I sure as hell am not bowing down to manipulative bullshit. You want to be an unreasonable bully, cost your children love, make yourself look like a moron and lose all free babysitting for the next decade, feel free. Your kids are smart enough that they’re going to realize what kind of person you are, and are going to run from you as fast as they can when they grow up. The rest of us will be waiting to support them then.”
> The problem is that the day after we flew out was my sister’s birthday, and she had anticipated that I would be available to watch her children that weekend so she could have a getaway with her fiancé (33M)
She *anticipated*, but she didn’t *ask* you. She’s in the wrong, and she’s being incredibly petty and entitled about it. Is your sister bitter because you got married before she did? And why/how much does she dislike your husband? What do your parents think of the rift between you and your sister?
Your sister Is a cunt…..end of discussion.
Stop being a doormat. Your sister is use to using you. You don’t owe her an apology. If anything, she should apologize to you. She seems entitled. What’s going to happen when you have your own kids? Is she going to expect you drop your kids so you can take care of hers? Let it go. You did nothing wrong. Stop chasing after her. She knows you want to talk to her. She’s ignoring you as a punishment. She’s not worthy of your attention or your time. It sucks for the kids not to have you in their lives, but she’s doing it to her own kids. It’s not your fault.
Who is looking after the kids all the time now? Is it your parents? I’d drop off the presents with them either way.