UPDATE: BF bought an engagement ring, I’m freaking out

When we got home from work I said I needed to talk to him.

“Babe, my sister said you guys picked out an engagement ring for me a couple months ago.”

He was silent, and looked confused.

Him: “What the fuck?”

Me: “It’s ok, I’m not mad or anything, but I want to talk about it. I thought we were on the same page about marriage, but it kinda feels like we’re not?”

Him: “What are you even talking about? I don’t want to get married.”

At this point I’m just thrown for a loop bc what? You’re caught, admit it! I reiterated my sister told me and he’s maintaining it’s her doing a birthday prank. Which isn’t something we do? So pretty thin. I debated whether or not to involve my sister. I don’t generally involve family in my personal relationships. But this kinda felt like a special circumstance. I called her and he got really red in the face. I put her on speaker. She was like “Tom I was with you! We picked out the ring together! Remember I joked I was jealous because it was nicer than mine?” (Her engagement ring is Swarovski crystal, which I would vastly prefer after hearing what he got me.) “It was a fucking diamond, [my name], Tom’s full of shit.” She went into further detail about the ring and his ears were blazing red at this point.

I was extra annoyed now. Tom was apparently lying about multiple things, went behind my back to pick out a ring (albeit one I don’t want), and bought a diamond, which I hate because of the ridiculous industry and slavery evil. I know not all diamonds are like that now (I’ve seen ones from labs and such), but I wasn’t sure about the origin and at that moment it was the least of my worries. Tom asked quietly if we could talk. I said bye to my sister and asked him to please be honest.

So he (no surprise!) bought a diamond ring with my sister’s help. (Yes, it was a non-blood one apparently, phew.) He had initially told her his plan to propose on my birthday, but not at the restaurant. He was going to give me cake at home, tell me to close my eyes and make a wish as I blew out my candles, then would be on one knee with a ring for when I opened them again. Ngl, that does sound really sweet and romantic (and very unlike him – he’s normally thoughtful but not what I would consider a classic romantic). But – it’s not what we had initially agreed on regarding marriage. I asked him why he changed his mind. I was terrified he was sick and rushing because it was serious, he said no, it’s because he was scared about my *upcoming supervision for school next year.*

The fuck.

I’m training for a certain job and next year I have to do supervisory training. I could do it locally, but I had the opportunity to complete it under a respected Doctor in the field, certified in something I also want to pursue, where I could gain applicable hours both towards my license and towards the certification – “two birds with one stone,” if you will. But it is about 7 hours away and I’d have to temporarily live there while I got my hours in.

We had agreed to rent a storage unit to stuff most of our things in, and find cheap roommate situations. Fortunately, I already had a connection with the training supervisor, and he had another female friend whose roomie had just moved out so I was going to sublet. Tom initially was fine with this and was looking at both cheap 1-person apartments (he makes more than me at the moment) and roomie situations, but changed his mind and decided if he proposed, I wouldn’t want to be away from him, and would find a local supervisor instead.

Fucking. Floored.

I said that sounded incredibly manipulative and it worried me. He said he knows, and he’s embarrassed, but he was extremely desperate because he doesn’t want to spend the extra money on a 1-bedroom apartment, doesn’t want a roommate either (he does have social anxiety tbf), doesn’t want to move with me (which is fair), and is scared to lose me. I was annoyed the roommate thing came up first, honestly (that that’s his main concern, not being away from each other), but kept discussing things with him, reassuring here, challenging there. I finally asked him, “Do you even *want* to get married?” He said, “No. But I wouldn’t mind being permanently engaged to you.”

I told him he shot himself in the foot because had he not gone behind my back about the ring, lied about several things, and attempted to manipulate me into putting my dreams and education on hold, I’d likely have been touched by and agreed to a “permanent engagement.” But he did everything the wrong way and it broke a lot of my trust in him. He’s embarrassed, but said now we can talk about me not going away for supervision as now I “can see how much it would break [him].” I told him it’s not my intention to hurt him, but he isn’t the only part of my future I want to focus on. He said I was being selfish and I maintained it’s only for a year, that it feels selfish of him to try to deny me a really massive opportunity. Seven hours away is long, but not insane, we could see each other frequently enough if we take busses or meet halfway. He doesn’t want to, and said it would be “too hard.” Like… I’m supposed to put my dreams and education on hold for him? I feel awful, but I just can’t do that. I said I was still going through with it, and asked if he’d still like to try. He was pissed and hurt but said “fine” really sharply and went to bed early. I ate dinner alone.

This will probably be it for us. Either the distance will bring us closer or tear us apart, I think. I hope the temporary separation gives us both more clarity, I guess. I think I’m making the right decision but hopefully I’m not just being a jerk. I care about him and want him in my life, but trying to emotionally manipulate me into doing what he wants is a HUGE red flag. Thanks for the advice the other day and to the few people that bothered to read this and the other post.