My phone is being really slow so pardon any errors. I really don’t know if this is the right sub but I need to talk this out.
Ok, so I recently matched with Z about 3 weeks ago. Totally typical story. He has trouble with dating, he doesn’t have time for a relationship because he travels so much for work, in a dry spell, whatever. We make plans to meet up like a week after chatting a bit.
So we meet up, go out for a bit, and I’m like let’s just go back to your place. So, we go, I meet one of his roommates, everything seems normal. BUT, a few things kind of nag in my mind. He says that he’s lived in this house for a year – theres no TV in his bedroom. That’s weird to me but he’s always traveling for work. He had sent me a picture of his cat of 10 years. I notice no evidence of cat in this house. So we hook up a few times at his “house”. And he tells me he’s going to be busy the next few weeks. He will be working in a town about 100 miles away.
So, being the suspicious stalker that I am, I kind of check how many miles away he is on the app during the week. 2 miles. Ok his “house” is 2 miles away from mine. This past weekend comes and he’s “back” from work. He wants to see me but says he’s really busy. Fine, ok.
Ok so here’s where I look super psycho but trust me. I really just had a feeling. On Sunday, I look to see his distance. 9 miles. I decide to research. I go on True People Search and put in his phone number. An address pops up. Google maps tells me that it’s a house 9 miles away. I then go back to the people search & see a woman, age 35 that is also associated with this house. I find her IG and see that he is married to her & they have 2 kids. Like WTF.
I haven’t spoken to him yet. I’m not sure what to say when he does contact me. Like, first of all I really want to know what the fuck this house was that he took me to. I mean he has a key. I met the other guy that lives there & he just acted normal. Just weird. I really need answers.
But my real dilemma is the wife. My daughter thinks I need to tell her. I have mixed feelings for a few reasons that I won’t elaborate on but I feel like I do not want to contribute any further to this family possibly breaking up. There’s very young children involved and this was basically just a few bootycalls.
I feel like I need to confront him first in person & get answers? Like what If they have an open thing? I should have asked him more personal questions about his life, I guess. Or maybe do I just ghost him?
12 comments
Might be the house of the other guy who was there, and he’s just willing to cover for a cheating friend. His wife deserves to know- if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll probably cheat with others, especially if he gets away with it. If the family breaks up, it’s not because of you, it’s because he chose to cheat on his wife.
I’ve heard about dudes going in together on an ‘infidelity house’ where it’s just shared and used for hookups.
Everything this guy has presented himself as is a lie.
>Like what If they have an open thing?
People in ENM are hyper-focused on being transparent about their situation and up-front. The first line should say ‘married’, so you know exactly what you’re getting into.
This person is simply dishonest.
You seem to have a gift as a sleuth. It will be interesting to see what else you discover. A lot of people here will be hoping to see you drop a bomb on his marriage.
There are things that should be disclosed up front like marital status and kids.
IF they have an open relationship, he should have told you up front. I seriously doubt wife is in on this. And if he tells you it’s an open relationship now, I’m not sure Id trust that even if I was hip to being a secondary partner (and I would be were I not with my current partner).
Maybe he’s separated. Maybe they are open. Maybe maybe maybe….but he lied at minimum by omission and at maximum…just flat out lied period.
I think I (44F) would tell him something like “hey, how are your wife, kids, and cat over at X address?” And then just enjoy his back pedaling. I wouldn’t go out with him again regardless.
Don’t contact him, don’t confront him.
Tell the wife all you know. Show evidence if she asks and also give her the address of “his home”, the one he shares with the roommate.
And when you contact her, very clearly state that you are sorry, you didn’t know, that you have zero intentions of contacting him again and that you will send evidence if she requests it. And that the reason you’re doing this is because women should have women’s back and you believe she deserves to know. Also, tell her that you won’t contact her any further if she requests it.
Tell her.
Just block him.
You don’t need to be “sleuthing” or getting into their drama. Maybe they’re open, maybe they’re not. Either way, why get involved in that mess?
I think it’s hilarious that you think it’s a red flag that he doesn’t have a TV in his bedroom.
Pro tip: if someone gives you their number, immediately search it online. See what pops up, so you can protect yourself if necessary.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t bother talking to him again, but I absolutely would contact his wife.
>Like what If they have an open thing?
If they truly had an open thing he 1. Would be respectful enough to keep you in the loop and 2. It wouldn’t matter if you then told his wife if she was in agreement with it.
As for the roommate and place he “lives” what answers do you want exactly? He has a buddy that either let’s him have keys and doesn’t care what he’s up to, or he’s cheating so much that he has invested in a place with a roommate to be super deceptive to his wife and partners.
Tell the wife and ghost him.
You must tell her, please. Go to her, don’t go to him. It’s safe to assume he is hooking up with others as well, and his wife could be unknowingly exposed to STDs from having a cheating husband who she assumes, rightfully, is faithful. Good detective work OP.
Any updates? Talked to her?
Please tell her. She could be at risk of catching STDs that could cause ovarian cancer.