My new boyfriend(39M), after scoring high in one of his latest classes at a university he said that he will soon need a letter of recommendation to get in a master’s program.
He said he emailed his female professor offering to take her out to buy her lunch.
I asked why he would do that.
His plan is to be nice and then ask if she will write the letter of recommendation for him.
I told him that was weird, as a professor should be glad to do it willingly if a good student just asks for it, but now his approach might have made her feel awkward.
I said it is a thing of crossing boundaries.
He said it is normal socializing to buy a professor lunch to make a deal.
But I disagree, and said what if the professor thinks he is trying to date her.
Now he said I made him paranoid by asking him this “what if ” question and for a few days, she has not replied to his emailed offer.
Am I weird for thinking this is weird?
Should I be more social and also ask my professors out to lunch to create better references?
8 comments
If she has a boundary, she will communicate it. Here’s the thing about boundaries: you can’t predict or defend them for other people because they are individual & personal.
I think he would have a better chance of getting a good letter of recommendation by not asking her to lunch. She may take it the wrong way as I would too.
I just want to add that I have considered that perhaps my concern of boundaries is overly heightened, which is actually the cause of my unusual social-skills?
Just offer to get lunch at the school cafeteria. It’s totally public and open and best of all, inexpensive, so no one feels obligated.
I think as long as he made it clear so she doesn’t think he’s asking her out he’s fine and it’s a nice gesture. All really depends on how he handled it. I think handling it right is harder with a female professor than male if she’s not like 70, but still doable.
Everyone likes free food lol 🙂
To me it sounds weird. She could also view it in the quid pro quo/bribe grey area. Would have been routine to just ask for reference letter.
It sounds really weird, he should have asked her for the letter directly
Sounds like the prof agrees. Having a great mentor type relationship with a prof is one thing, but asking to buy them lunch with the alterior motive which you haven’t told them about of having them write a letter for you is weird. If he told her before it isn’t as weird.
If she hasn’t responded she probably doesn’t think it’s appropriate. If I were him I would just send a new email now as if the lunch date email never happened, super professional and polite and asking for a letter of reference for xyz. He can also say in the email that he is working towards x deadline for his application so if she can let him know by x date (maybe 4 days) that would be super appreciated. If he just plays this clueless, super polite and friendly and praises her class he’ll be fine. The worst she can do is say no and in that case he’ll just have to find someone else. The end!
Ps I am a former grad student with an MA so have some experience with this and these relationships