TL DR: boyfriend stopped sharing location after 2 years of sharing saying he thinks it’s toxic.
I (F 25) have been with my bf (M 25) for almost 2 years. I met him while I came to study in the city where he’s from and eventually after finishing my studies I settled and moved in with him. At the start of our relationship (just before 6 months in and before we moved in together) I used to visit him a lot which meant that I had to travel alone at night.
Being new in the city and him being the closest one
I’ve had I said that I wanted to share my location with him at all times, in order to feel safe and in case of emergencies. Note that I never asked him to share his. He said that it’s a good idea and he said that he would share his as well. Ever seen we’ve been sharing locations with each other. We mostly use it when someone needs picking up or traveling, or in case of emergencies which thankfully have never happened so far. It’s been almost 2 years and the other day he complained saying that location sharing is toxic and that it shows lack of trust. I’ve never used his location as a way to control him or spy on him so that came a bit as a surprise. I spoke to him about it and he said that he’d rather not share locations anymore. I said that I respect that, and I really do, however something is not sitting right with me. I trust him with my eyes closed but this sudden change is making me question him. This conversation happened a week ago and today I got a notification that he stopped sharing his location.
Am I being paranoid for thinking that something might be up? Is he just trying to create healthy habits or is he hiding something?
32 comments
I don’t think it necessarily calls for alarm bells unless it’s coupled with other potentially suspicious behavior. I don’t like location sharing either.
“Theoretically, I trust him. In practice, I don’t.”
Did he say WHY he finds it toxic and try to reassure you? I would think he’s hiding something or he feels too constrained. I personally do not like sharing location. I would just ask him why the change.
Nothing wrong with him figuring out that he’s uncomfortable with something like that. That said, location sharing in itself is not toxic or controlling – it depends what how you follow up on the knowledge you have about someone’s whereabouts.
>I spoke to him about it and he said that he’d rather not share locations anymore. I said that I respect that
I really don’t think you respect that. You’re proving what he said about it being toxic. Just drop it.
This would make me paranoid as well. Why the change all of a sudden? Especially if it hasn’t been something you use to control him or bring up often? My partner and I have each others location, I have my friends’, my family’s, people I love and care about. It’s for safety and it’s helpful to know for arrival/departure times. Unless someone is abusing it, I don’t see why it would be viewed as toxic.
Anyone saying that you shouldn’t feel the way you do actually sounds absurd. You never asked for him to share his location with you, he chose to.. and now after TWO years, he randomly doesn’t want to share his location because it feels “toxic.” Even though, from what you’ve shared, nothing toxic has actually come about from sharing each others location. It’s really weird behavior. You know in your heart that this doesn’t feel right that’s why you’re on Reddit asking for advice. We don’t need to tell you if it is or not.
See I would like to say that it doesn’t mean anything. But something about the suddenness just doesn’t sit right.
My gf suggested sharing location early in the relationship. At first I wasn’t sure how to feel but now I love knowing that she’s safe and if anything were to happen I’d know exactly where she is.
Have you asked him how long he’s thought of it? I get that it seems sudden to you, but maybe it’s not sudden to him at all.
Like someone else said I’d not worry if it’s not couple with other behaviour that makes your alarm bells ring. But it could be useful for the sake of your understanding of what’s happened to ask questions about what he’s thinking and what changed. Ask questions. Be open to the answers. Mull on it.
Sharing locating is great. I’ve been with my wife for almost 7 years now and we’ve basically had it on the entire time. It works when we aren’t trying to bother the other person but still want to see what they’re up to or if they’re safe.
The timing is SUS but expecting location sharing demonstrates a major lack of trust. Unless there are other signs (him withdrawing, sudden changes in schedule etc), I wouldn’t sweat it. Sometimes hoof beats are a horse.
If you do decide to bring it up again, I’d ask him if there was anything you had done to make him suddenly feel uncomfortable sharing his location with you (not that I think you’re at fault in any way—it just puts the ball in his court). That you don’t want him to feel alienated from you. I’d also ask if he’d prefer you stop sharing your location with him as well. If you frame it as a discussion of checking in and maybe redrawing/adjusting some boundaries, I think it could be a productive conversation. But it seems like a situation where he could become defensive easily, and in that case, you probably wont get any answers. Approach gently and with kind intentions. If he gets defensive, that may be indicative of a bigger issue.
Christmas is right around the corner, could he be planning to get a gift or plan something and the location would give it away?
Seems odd that he brings it up 2 years later that he never liked it to begin with.
Is your relationship been rocky lately? Any changes in his mood, openness, etc?
On its own, id say it’s suspicious
I got to ask though… Is BF feeling like you are in fact using it to monitor him rather than it’s initial intended purpose?
My fiancé and I have had this convo. And we share our locations for safety and in case we can’t find each other. He does it especially because I walk to work sometimes or because (I have mental health issues) I forget about appointments etc. he helps me keep on track and will call me if he sees I’m still at home taking a nap instead of getting ready to go to my appointments or whatever I gotta do.
So you’re reason to have it on is valid.
And after dating for 2 years his true comfortable self should start being present. My theory is that yes he’s feeling suffocated and maybe something is wrong. I’ve read why he finds it toxic and trust is earned and checked to be verified bc it’s the main pillar of a relationship.
Does he want your location on?
You have to think about whether it’s important enough to split you guys up or whether it’ll make you feel bad about yourself/your relationship to the point you won’t enjoy it anymore.
My Latina sense does tell me he could be cheating. Or upset with something. Just keep an eye out and check to verify.
I remember why I didn’t want my mom to have my location because I was doing stuff I wasn’t supposed to. If he’s actively worried about you seeing it and calling you toxic he’s projecting and deflecting. Also, men do this thing where they’ll give you problems and or behave differently until you break up with them bc they’re too coward to break up with you.
Remember to enjoy your relationship until it isn’t serving you or the other person.
Good luck and stay safe.
I would’ve felt exactly the same way you do if my partner randomly decided to stop sharing their location. There’s nothing wrong with either approaches but changing out of the blue like that definitely rings alarm bells to me.
I share my location with my girlfriend, it’s pretty normal for us and we share with our friends as well.
If you didn’t have a history of it, I’d say to respect his wishes and that’s not necessarily a red flag. The fact that he all of a sudden is doing this is a bit strange, and I know where you’re mind is probably wandering. Maybe he got teased or convinced by a friend that it’s weird — see if you can have an open conversation about where those feelings are coming from. People can change their minds.
If it just came out of nowhere without any seeming explanation, then he might be hiding something or projecting something onto you.
OP any chance of a huge Christmas gift or engagement ring? Otherwise this is a huge red flag so suddenly.
If you never used it in an unhealthy way then the change is in him. I would be suspicious too
i would say not to take it personal. trust him and his word until he gives you reason to other wise. in my last relationship, we shared locations for the same reasons. there became a point in the relationship where i had fell into some insecurities that caused me to constantly check her location behind her back. i never told her about my unhealthy habit i developed. but after months of torturing myself with false assumptions, i decided i needed to completely detach from sharing locations. in that moment it felt toxic for me. i would say to try and see what makes it toxic for him. but don’t jump the gun OP
Did you guys settle in a house or an apartment?
The sudden change would make me feel similarly to how you’re feeling, so I don’t think your feelings are wrong. That said, constant location sharing seems to me to be an unhealthy, codependent (and sometimes controlling) practice and I was surprised to learn that it’s common for younger people these days.
If you don’t feel like you can have a conversation with him about why it’s worrying you, then it would be well worth your time to examine that more deeply. Is it something he’s done to make you think it wouldn’t be received well? Is it coming from a place of anxiety that’s all internal? Something in between? In the long run, if you can’t address a relatively minor issue like this, then your ability to communicate as a couple is not well developed. How well do you two communicate about problems generally?
When I was in a relationship we also did location sharing. I felt really weird about it, but I did it because at some level I thought she didn’t trust me and ai wanted to prove to her that she can. After a while when I would get feeling that she for some reason doesn’t trust me and get angry at the fact that I went against my own preference of no location sharing. I told her I didn’t want to do it any more (mostly due to my own self induced paranoia)
So what I’m trying to say is it could be nothing, but also who knows. Depends on how much trust you have built up with this guy
It seems that you and your boyfriend have had a strong and trusting relationship for nearly two years. However, his recent change in behavior regarding location sharing may be causing you some confusion and concern. It is important to maintain open and honest communication with your partner about any concerns or changes in your relationship.
One option is to have a candid conversation with your boyfriend about his thoughts on location sharing and any concerns he has about continuing to share locations with you. You can also share any concerns you have about his sudden change in behavior and work towards finding a mutual understanding and resolution. If location sharing is a non-negotiable issue for you and your boyfriend is unable or unwilling to continue sharing his location, you may need to reevaluate the relationship and consider whether or not it is a healthy and supportive one for you.
He might be saying these things because he read some of the stories where location sharing is used by an abuser for control and got paranoid. I would talk to him about it.
The only toxic thing about sharing location is if your constantly bugging him where he’s at.. tbh it sounds like he’s trying to be sneaky
It is suspicious to suddenly switch up when you’ve never used it to monitor him and it’s become the norm.
understandable… but give it some time. it’s definitely a surprise XD good one or bad, time will show. i hope you not in rush to end this relationship?
Idk 24/7 location sharing does seem toxic and controlling. Maybe he just had enough appeasing it. Context on why it was there originally may not be relevant now.
Just ask what changed.
Personally I don’t location share with anyone
Idk why people find sharing locations toxic. My husband and I have life360 with some of his family members as well. We aren’t stalking each other. Usually for me personally, I check to see how far he is away from home(so I can start making dinner or cause I just miss him) or if he hasn’t called in awhile to check his location(i dont do this because i think he’s cheating but because i worry cause he’s at people’s houses and I don’t trust other people…we have alot of gun violence here). If he’s driving or at a location long enough, I assume it’s work related. Though, if he’s in the middle of high way and hasn’t moved for over an hour, that’s concerning. Which did happen when he got in a wreck but luckily he was fine and got towed.
I guess for some people think it’s a violation of privacy and a lack of trust, but for some of us, we care about our partner’s safety. We want to know where they are if something bad happens to them.
As for this guy, I’d be a little susp after 2 years, and suddenly he stops sharing. it’s very random.