I work at a garden centre and was once asked by a customer – Do plants suffer from constipation?

No, no they don’t

39 comments

  1. Had someone call to make a complaint.

    “These toilets are definitely not serviced regularly, they are disgusting!”

    We don’t have anything to do with toilet cleaning.
    Turns out the signs we sell to our customers have our telephone number on for easy ordering, but this person thought it was a complaints line. Still cracks me up

  2. I was asked to courier something from Cambridge to Cornwall and it needed to be there in under an hour.

    When I told them it wasn’t possible they said “What about by motorbike?”

  3. Working in a pharmacy. Woman comes in: “Hi do you sell vajazzle?”

    She meant vagisil. I explained, she thought it was hilarious

  4. “Do you have any sarin (nerve agent) I could sniff so I know what it smells like?”

  6. Years ago when I was on a sleep-in shift at a residential unit, there was a banging on the door. One of the clients had a massive phobia of bugs and thought one had made it’s way under his bed and asked me to come and get rid of it ASAP. It was 3am.

    I got my shoes on, walked up to his flat and went into their bedroom whilst they hid in the living room.

    Sure enough, I found the offending specimen, and took it into living room to show I was getting rid of it.

    It was, infact, a small piece of plastic.

    It wasn’t funny at the time, but I chuckle at the idea now.

  7. A parent at a school open evening once asked me why we had “Asian toilets”, and if it was because we had a lot of “ethnic pupils”.

    Turned out that she’d somehow found her way into a cleaners’ store cupboard (which admittedly was supposed to be locked) and pissed in the sink/sluice used for filling and emptying mop buckets.

  9. Not me personally, but a friend of mine worked in a pub/restaurant.

    Customer came in and asked for a rare chicken burger, and kicked off when they where refused XD

  10. ” Can you do a risk assessment for people driving into the car park”

    ” You mean the driving test ? ”

    Silence

  11. I have been the stupid customer before. I went into a Costa coffee and wanted a black coffee. Looking at the sign board was all manner of weird and wonderful sounding coffees so I asked “what’s a black coffee?”, meaning which one of these is a black coffee. The girl looked me dead in the eye and said “coffee without milk”. I just said sure I’ll have one of those

  12. When I worked at Sports Direct:

    “Yo mate, wheres your suits at?”

    “We dont sell suits, Next is a couple stores down”

    “Nah you’ve got some there!” *points at a TRACKsuit

    FML

  13. Whilst discussing a proposed meeting, “Do we need to organise a mass debate for it?” Childish giggles were had.

  14. I manage a restaurant.

    During the pandemic, when work from home started to become a thing, a girl asked me if we were going to work from home..

  15. I used to be a primary school teacher and when I said I was leaving to go work at a university, a girl asked me “How much do you have to pay for that job? I bet it’s a lot!”

    Confused, I asked her to clarify. Turns out she was under the impression that adults paid for the jobs they had like it was a gym membership or something. She thought I was paying to be her teacher.

  16. I work at a hotel and a guest asked me if one of the women left the hotel yet cause he shagged her the night before and wanted a second round.

  17. Worked for a well known garden centre. Wore bright green and orange uniform. “Excuse me do you work here”?!

  18. Had a customer bring me a pack of frozen cod loins. On the packaging was a picture of cod. The customer gestured to the cod and asked me if this was the “lion fish”

  20. Message from colleague: “Is ankles the correct spelling?”

    Me: Yes that’s right 😀 why?

    Her: Oh ok great, I sent the email. I asked the customer to take photos of her phone from all ankles.

  21. When closing the store and the lights are off and I’m locking the door “are you open?”

  22. Once had someone try to return something at my store that was from another shop. I told them that they had the wrong shop and they argued with me for several minutes telling me that I was wrong and that I’d served them (never seen them before in my life).

    I kept telling them that the shop they need is next door, and it says the name of the store on the receipt. I also told them we don’t sell that product. They stormed out, looked at the name above the door, looked at the receipt, then looked to the right, and marched indignantly into the right store.

    I imagine that the poor sales assistant in the next store got needlessly talked down to because of the customers stupidity.

  23. Not really a question but once a customer at a store I worked at, an older man said he dropped two £2 coins under the bottom shelf of a display. He was very upset and demanded his money back, so I got on the floor and slowly unloaded everything and oppened up the base. When I opened it there was a button and a penny laying there, I asked him if these were his £2 coins and he immediately turned around and walked off.

  24. Not my work, but a couple of years ago I was in the waiting area of my local garage while my MOT was being done, and a woman walked in, went up to reception and said “Oh hi, am I in the right place?”

    To which the receptionist gave the very fair response “I don’t know, what is it you’re looking for?”

  25. I worked in a research office in a hospital.

    Someone once came up and asked if they were in the right place for the xray.

    I told them they were in the wrong place and gave them directions.

    He then said “can’t you just do one whilst I’m here”

    Erm… no. I don’t have an xray on me

  26. A friend of mine works in a UK supermarket. He was asked by a customer if the 3 bird roast contained pork. He replied with “if pigs could fly!” They were not amused.

  27. I had a student who couldn’t understand how I was teaching in England if I was from Scotland. She had it in mind that I must be commuting down every day. One of her classmates lost patience with her, and yelled across the class, “HE MOVED HERE! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!”

  28. Not strictly a question but I was once asked to visit someone’s desk to check why their PC wouldn’t turn on.

    I got there and she said, “you press the keyboard and mouse, but the screen just stays black, and the monitor is plugged in”

    It took me literally 10 seconds, of using the advance tech wizard ability of using my fucking eyes to ascertain *there was no PC*

    It was just a fucking monitor and a keyboard.

    It wasn’t plugged in to anything.

    God is dead.

    Help me.

  29. Primary school 1:1 – Was once asked “Where do you work?”
    Didn’t want to ruin the illusion that actually I choose to come and “play” at school every day.
    Lead to her thinking that every time I left the room, I was “going to do my job” and then came back to have a break in the classroom with her.

  30. Whilst pregnant, I said to one of my year 12 classes that the baby had kept me up all night kicking so I was feeling a bit grumpy. One of the kids turned to me and very genuinely asked, “Miss did you have the baby over the weekend and still come to work?”

  31. I’m a train driver and I was changing ends at a terminus station. A couple I was approaching were having an argument, guy turns to me and says:

    “Excuse me, can you settle an argument for us?”
    “Um, ok sure”. I was expecting something railway related.”Isn’t it true that some people are born with both male and female parts?”
    “Hermaphrodites?”
    He then turned to the lady and laughed and said “HA! See I told you! You never believe me!”

  32. I told my co-workers my wife and I were expecting a baby. Someone asked what colour? I said “…White…. I hope”.

    Turns out they were asking if boy or girl.

  33. I was a volunteer in a Cathedral as a guide.

    American, “When was the last service held in this church?”

    Me, ”About 10.30 this morning, madam.”

  36. I work in food retail – a customer came in and asked me if I had chilli nuts, I told him it is pretty cold today

  37. Ran out of alcohol and asked if I could just go downstairs and get some more.

    I’m cabin crew.

  38. Working in spoons once and a curious customer asked me earnestly what the difference was between a single and a double, so I explained a double is double shot of spirit etc. He looked at me and said the difference in price you cunt.

  39. Visiting time on the postnatal ward, everything going OK until we hear a fella yelling at the top of his lungs “NURSE! NURSE!” So naturally we all went running.

    I got there first, he’s standing holding his newborn son as I said “What’s wrong?!”

    “Oh Nurse!” he says, “There’s something wrong with my baby! He has no teeth!”

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