(Sorry mobile š ) Fingers crossed this post gains traction because this has been completely eating me up. Here at the beginning Iāll provide some context. We met at the beginning of college, and were immediately best friends. We were best friends for a while, and then began dating. We have now been dating for almost four years.
The first year or two of our relationship was amazing, and I wouldāve literally died for this woman, and she wouldāve died for me. But COVID came around, and with that, we had to go home. We went a few months without seeing each other, and that definitely did not go well. We were fighting almost every other day, arguing about dumb things that we should not have been arguing as intensely about. She was also calling me almost nightly at 3/4/5am extremely upset about either her friends, herself, or with me, on top of arguing. It was a massive emotional toll, but because I loved her I tried my best to support her, and I genuinely tried my hardest to be there for her.
Eventually, we came back to school during our third year of college, and during this year she became a different person. She developed health anxiety to a point I have never seen before. Her throat would be slightly scratchy and she would break down and have panic attacks due to being scared of getting a cold. Her developing anxiety extended past just health anxiety, and she became paranoid about everything. She wouldnāt be able to sit in a movie theater because she was scared someone would come in and start shooting, she wouldnāt be able to do homework because she was scared she would do poorly on it. Her developing anxiety and stress issues resulted in her doing much worse in school, and also resulted in her becoming very dependent on me.
Entering our last year of school, that dependence grew even more, and she would constantly be at my apartment. She wouldnāt cook for herself so I had to cook for her as she wouldnāt eat otherwise. She wouldnāt sleep unless she was in my bed also. (Also this isnāt because she was like āI refuse to eat anything unless HE makes itā. It was more like she just wouldnāt and I had to effectively force her to eat as she hadnāt eaten the entire day, and I was the only one that could. Sleeping, she just wouldnāt fall asleep anywhere except my bed). I have 3 other roommates, as does she. People would always joke that she was the 5th roommate and my apartment, and that she needs to start paying rent. I was someone at the time that canāt study/focus on work unless I was by myself, and eventually I couldnāt focus on any work because she would be sitting on my bed watching Youtube videos. I asked her to stop multiple times, or to go back to hers for the day at least so I could get work done. I ultimately gave up asking because she would either break down in tears or get angry. Ultimately, it all boiled over into one massive fight, the only fight which weāve ever genuinely screamed at each other. We moved past it, and she stopped staying at mine as often, however now there were 2 scenarios that always occurred:
1. If I was at my apartment, she would call me right before my usual bedtime saying she doesnāt feel well or she is anxious, and she needs me to come over
2. The same as above, except ask if she can come to mine
Eventually after our last year of college, she moved back with her parents, and I moved pretty far away (short plane flight but not driveable distance) for work. We had a conversation beforehand that we were really gonna try for each other, and get things back to how they were. Things went smoothly at the beginning, but eventually I settled down and made a bunch of friends in my new city. Given that I was living alone, I had to find things to occupy myself with, and picked up a couple new hobbies. That, including work, significantly chipped away at our ability to spend time together on Facetime or texting, but we still pretty much texted throughout the whole day and Facetimed pretty much every night, with the exception of the occasional late night where one of us was doing something.
After that time got reduced down to what I mentioned above, she did not react well. Our conversations completely degraded. They used to be generally 50/50 split between who has the talking stick (for lack of a better term) and would flow naturally. But it turned into her ranting about how she didnāt like work, didnāt like herself, or didnāt like something I did for the entirety of the facetime. This was a daily occurrence and progressively got worse until it was pretty much full mental breakdowns about any of those three subjects every time she called. I genuinely tried my hardest during all of this time to improve on what she told me I was doing wrong (some I agreed with, some I didnāt, but I tried to keep an open mind because maybe I just wasnāt seeing things from her perspective), and tried to support the other topics as best I could.
That brings us to last week, it ultimately culminated to where a quick āgood nightā call where I just wanted to say good night before bed, resulted in a 3 hour sobbing rant out of nowhere about everything going wrong in her life.
While I genuinely do care for her, and have tried my ass off to be there for her harder than Iāve tried to do anything in my life, itās never enough. I feel as though I am constantly conditioned to get anxious picking up the phone, or getting a text from her, expecting an emotionally heavy conversation. On top of that, I find myself constantly asking her if Iām okay or if Iām doing anything wrong, and I canāt seem to break that habit as there seems to be something off in her behavior towards me on certain days.
As Iām writing this, I realize that Iāve mostly listed the negatives, so I want to emphasize something. Outside of this, my best memories in life are with this woman. On her good days, she is my biggest cheerleader and a great person. I genuinely do still love her, outside of all of the issues Iāve described above. However, I donāt think this relationship is healthy anymore. I think she needs to speak to a therapist about her anxiety and other mental health issues, but she refuses, and I think as long as Iām around as an outlet, she will take that 100% of the time over a therapist. Additionally, the mental toll on me is too much. Iām not an anxious person, and I have constant anxiety with every interaction in this relationship.
Iāve tried too hard to make this work with a person I genuinely love, but I donāt think that itās just healthy anymore, and I donāt know what to do.
Iām torn between breaking up with her or not, as Iām not sure if this will resolve itself in the future. Additionally, if it does, Iām not sure I can mentally last until it does. I just miss how we used to be, but Iām not sure if itāll get back to that point. So, should this be a relationship I continue? Is there anything I should personally improve? If this isnāt a relationship I should continue, how should I go about ending it?
TLDR: My (22M) girlfriend (22F) has become an incredibly anxious and emotional person over the course of our relationship due to things unrelated to me, refuses to work on them and instead has become completely dependent on me which has taken a massive emotional toll on me, and I donāt know if or how to break up with her.
9 comments
I had a similar situation myself. It was like Covid changed well both of us. She became extra clingy and I pushed her away. We would fight and then one day she was gone. All her stuff from our house, blocked her number, no social media or email. It fucking killed me. It was like someone had died.
I guess Iām trying to say or ask, would you be okay without her? Your relationship seems toxic but therapy could help. IMO Iād give thought to not seeing her again etc. You would need a clean break.
If you do decide to break up with her perhaps tell her that you are mentally tired and want what is best for both of you. Be firm but kind. Sorry I canāt help more. Best of luck!
You should talk to her and let her know EXACTLY how you have been feeling. Explain how itās starting to feel like more work to keep the relationship going than not. If she doesnāt start to respect these feelings, it may be time to Perhaps try a break. Absence makes the heart grow stronger.
College years are still a time to grow and develop and find oneself. Sometimes it gets hard to do such if youāre spending every day with someone else. It may time to move on.
Adding this here as I forgot to mention: I have brought this up multiple times before to her, and it resolves itself for a few days or a week, then goes right back to the way it was.
It’s clear that she needs to be in therapy. If that doesn’t help her medication will fix her unbalance. Whatever you decide please just make her go to therapy. Make it a ultimatum if she doesn’t go you will break it off. It’s not nice thing to do but in this case i believe it’s ok. And if ahe doesn’t want to you understand this isn’t healthy and you should just leave.
Also ask yourself if you stay together and she gets her rainy episodes (and she definitely will) would you be next to her? Also did you ever talk about future together? Living together and goals in life? Are you compatible in that sense?
This may be unrelated but if she is using contraceptive pill she may want to change them. I had one that i thought i would strangle myself how annoying and angry i was with myself and everything.
This is late stage relationship collapse. She is toxically co- dependant.
This is hurting your heart. She is making you anxious to pick up the phone.
She won’t help herself with you in her life, a security blanket.
It hurts to let go. But, you can get past that anxiety creeping out of the phone. It sounds like you are in a growing part of your life, and she maybe isn’t. Let go. Grieve. Go forward into better times.
You are correct that this relationship is not healthy. She is using you instead of addressing her problems. She is refusing to help herself so being with you is enabling her to ignore her very serious issues.
You are not her therapist. You seem exhausted by her demands and that is what happens when you are in a relationship with someone who won’t address their issues and instead uses someone else as their security blanket. Therapists have boundaries, rules and a supervisor who monitors their work. You have an emotional dependant.
She needs a support system and you say she is living at home, so the first people to advise is likely them that you are going to break away, so they can monitor her.
You can break away in one piece or you can try to enforce some boundaries, like not turning on your phone onto picking up calls until say 7am. Putting it on airplane mode or do not disturb after say 10pm. Replying to texts only at certain times say lunch and after work. Gradually reducing the dependancy, making calls a set time, say 30 mins or calling her first and saying that you have to go do something in say 20 mins but you will call at 9pm.
A lot will depend on what you can do. You may need to talk to someone about breaking off this relationship, say a therapist or support person of your own. Some people find they are drawn to others who are anxiously attached to them.
Or are rescuer or fixer types of people who need to be needed by their other half. Being a fixer type isn’t all bad, however you do have to monitor your own needs and understand that that “well of giving” isn’t infinitely full. You have to look after yourself as well as you do other people. You can find yourself drawn into others problems and ignoring your own needs.
I think you already know the answer and you should follow your gut.
I think you’ve put up with alot and it’s not fair on you to be her only emotional support at all. I know you’re never meant to give an ultimatum in a relationship but if you’re ready to break up with her you could give her one last chance. She gets proper help or you break up.
Alternatively you could tell her you need time away. Take a couple weeks or a month. I know how hard that is to do but it might also answer some question you have for yourself. You might be happier and more at peace without her or you might crumble and regret it. It would also force her to find other ways of coping. There is no easy way to deal with this but if it’s playing on your mind it’s best to face head on. It sounds like you’ve sacrificed enough, it’s time to put yourself first.
She really does need professional help to work on her anxiety issues. You’re not her therapist, and it isn’t fair at all for you to be put in that position. I’ve had a relationship with someone who had severe anxiety issues and felt a lot like the way you describe.
I was young at the time and didnāt know how to set firm boundaries, which ultimately led me to leave the relationship.
I did learn a valuable lesson: you can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. She needs to accept that she needs to speak with a professional to get this under control. It isn’t fair to either of you. She is clearly feeling terrible because of her anxieties and making you miserable because you don’t have an endless well of support to give her.
You putting your foot down is going to help her. There’s some speculation here, but she might feel like getting help isn’t necessary because you’re always there to comfort her. But that isn’t fixing anything, it’s a bandaid on a bullet wound. No amount of love or support from you will fix this. She needs to make the decision to seek treatment, or this won’t ever get better.
You don’t need to break up with her at this point, but you should explain delicately how this is impacting you and insist she get some professional help.