The other day my (f29) partner (m32) and I were making the bed and I felt something under the mattress when I was putting on the sheets. I pulled it out and asked him what it was and he told me that it was a vape, which he bought on a work trip back in August. Side note: I’ve been with my partner for 9 years. He smoked cigarettes when I first met him but quit shortly after using vapes to help him. I haven’t seen him use a vape in years, but when he did use them it didn’t bother me.
So I made a comment that it seems like he was hiding it from me, which he said he wasn’t. I went to the bathroom for like 10 minutes and when I came back he said that he saw the vape while he was unpacking from his trip in August and slid it under the mattress because he was worried I would be disappointed in him. I’m not at all upset about him vaping, but the fact he hid something from me and then lied at first saying he wasn’t trying to hide it. He apologized to me numerous times and said that he should have just been honest and that he feels horribly for disappointing me. I did tell him that I forgive him because I can understand that he felt embarrassed and disappointed in himself, so I get why he wouldn’t want to bring it up. I said to him that it’s not like he has to report back to me if he has a slip up, but actively hiding it makes the situation different.
To my knowledge, my partner has never lied to me. But, I have been in a previous relationship where I was repeatedly lied to about a lot of things and cheated on. This situation has brought up a lot of anxiety for me because of that. I truly do feel I can trust my partner, but I keep thinking that if he can lie about something so small, then maybe he would lie about other things too. My mind is racing and I guess I’m just wondering if anyone knows how to get past this.
tldr: found my spouses vape, he lied at first and then came clean but I’m anxious about it and want to know how to move forward
5 comments
What are you doing to manage your anxiety?
I don’t really think that this is a red flag of any sort. It’s a little upsetting to find out he hid this, but the thing he was hiding doesn’t have anything to do with you, with your relationship, or with another person besides your partner. For that reason, I’m more inclined to just ignore it. It might be helpful to talk to a professional about dealing with the anxiety that’s resurfacing, because I feel like this is more about your past relationship than your current one.
Sounds to me like he was embarrassed about vaping again, and didn’t want to “fess up” to you and see your disappointment. Whether you cared or not is irrelevant, as he clearly thought you would care. In the moment he made a mistake and lied, but immediately backtracked and leveled with you.
This has more to do with how he feels about vaping than it does about how he feels about you. I see no red flag here, but talking it through may be helpful for both of you.
i think what would help is to also be honest with him about how you feel, reiterate your understanding and trust in him but let him know it triggered your past traumas surrounding lies. i feel if you try to pretend it doesn’t bug you because rationally you know you can trust him he may interpret the vibes to be that you’re upset with him. everyone is different but personally i feel better after voicing to my partner how their actions brought up old feelings as their understanding and reassurance helps me feel much better much faster
Shame is a powerful beast.