How can I(27F) be patient while waiting for my boyfriend(31M) to be ready to live together?

12 comments

1. Better question: how long do you plan to wait?

2. For the time being I’d do 2 things: 1. Compromise more about how you’re gonna hangout. Have him come over more and have a weekend in, maybe get a hotel mid way sometimes, take one or two weekends a month to just…exist. you don’t *have* to rush to his house because it’s finally the weekend. It can’t all be you going to him nor you running ragged while he just sits on the couch.

   And 2. Give him and yourself a realistic waiting period. Like a “okay, I’ll wait another ___ and if you’re not ready by then I will consider a breakup.”

3. As for the “ending a lease and moving in together” part, one of you can rent out their house, but it seems you have figured it out.

   He said he lived with his ex for a long time and enjoys living alone now. This is the crucial part. But not in a negative sense, IMO. He lived with his ex and it did not work out. And there are studies which actually claim, that living together before marriage leads to higher probability of separation. So the question is: do you guys see marrying each other? If so, work towards that goal. That shows more of a commitment than living together. If he proposes, you know he is certain, but if you move in with him into his house? That is almost no work on his part.

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5. Well, it’s been over a year, and the “M” word has not been brought up? Is that right? Is that what you are looking for? Are you attracted because he is unattainable? It seems to me you are expending a lot of energy, money, and most importantly, time. If you’re not getting what you want, you need to speak up about it. if you don’t who knows how much longer this will go on. Fish or cut bait.

6. I am with you. The rushing errands until the weekend and everything really puts a strain on you..:( Feels rough🥺
   But if you just distract yourself and let him miss you. At 2 years my boyfriend and I finally are deciding to look at places together to move in with

7. He doesn’t need you to move in. He has got the best of both worlds…girlfriend on demand and the rest of the time to himself. Sorry butvi think you have 2 choices…like it or lump it.

8. If he likes it how it is now, he will not change his mind and your patience won’t be rewarded. Yikes, why do you want to live with a guy who doesn’t want to live with you? Id personally need a guy asking me to move in a lot before I’d even consider it, as it is massively inconvenient to live together then split up.

9. I was doing something similar with my partner. I was EXHAUSTED from going back and forth all the time. After about the same amount of time as you, I had the same issue. I basically said – either we start planning on moving me in, or I see you much less. I told him it feels like I lived in 2 places at once but I was still a guest in one of them. I didn’t feel grounded anymore.

   I moved in 6 months later and we spent a ton of time preparing the house for me to move in.

10. So the reasons for him not wanting to live with you are:
    – he likes living alone now because of the bad experience with his ex (how long until he’ll be over it? it’s been a year and a half already);
    – your dog is annoying (what does he mean by “annoying”? what are you doing to address that?).

    Think about a timeline you want — in another post you said you’re willing to wait another year, but that’s _way_ too much. Give him _at most_ 5 more months to get his affairs in order and begin getting used to the idea of you moving in.

    Have another chat but instead of asking “why aren’t you doing X?”, discuss concrete timelines and solutions to these problems. Ask him to be honest with you _and don’t hold it against him if it’s not something you like to hear_ (e.g. if you haven’t trained the dog, or if it destroys things from time to time, idk). I’m assuming you’ve already discussed rent, chores and so on, and there are no disagreements on that front.

    Say “I’d like to move in with you by May” and see what he responds to that. If he agrees, revisit the discussion in February/March, and see if you can begin moving some of your things into his place — this is to see if his agreeing is real or not. Because if May rolls around and he begins hemming and hawwing, you’ll have wasted time.

11. I would stop going to his place every weekend, that is too much. You feel like you are rushing through life M to Th because you are. He might never want to live together. But if you did it would be completely on his terms because that is how the relationship is now.

12. Your question isn’t whether you’ll be moving in together. Your question is whether he sees a future for this relationship long term and a timeline.
    You are a bit scared to bring up marriage and /or children. Maybe you should, in a very mellow way such as “do you ever see yourself as getting married”. General to specific is a good framework for this.