My husband 42 and I F37 have custody of husband daughter Rose F8. Rose mom Angel died of cancer in early 2020. We all got along and she lived with us until her passing. Angel always had a bad relationship with her family and she went no contact with them. I didn’t want to be nosy so i never asked for more details, as it wasn’t my place. My husband did say that her parents didn’t approve of her life choices but that’s all he knew. Angel was very tight lip about her past and her home life. Before she passed she made us promise that we would keep Rose away from her family. She also didn’t want them to know when she dies as she didn’t want them to try to fight for custody or money. Angel had a good amount saved as well as a house which all goes to Rose when she turns 18. It’s been almost 3 years and Angel sister reached out to me on FB. She said she tried to reach my husband but he just blocked her. She wants to talk to us and hear their side of the story. They just recently found out about Angel passing and about Rose existing. They would like to be apart of Rose life but knows Angel lied about why they don’t speak. I talked to my husband and he told me to block them and leave it alone. We have to respect Angel wish. But, i just feel like there is more to the story. I want to meet with Angel sister but i know it will cause issue. I don’t want to disrespect Angel wish, but Rose has asked us once about her mom family. Husband told her they aren’t around and that’s it. I don’t know what to do? Should i just block the sister or agree to meet before making a decision? From what i see on her FB she has a family and has old photos of Angel with captions saying “miss my baby sis”. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for your response. I will speak with my husband when he gets home about Angel family. I will also talk to Rose therapist about how to handle any future questions about Angel family and why they aren’t around. I just want what’s best for Rose. If that means keeping the family away from her then i will do that. I love her as she was my own and i don’t want to do anything that will hurt her. Thank you all for your brutal honesty, i needed that.
27 comments
This is not your place. Your Husband, likely, knows the story and has agreed to continue to be NC. I think it is important that you respect it, you have no right to defy the wishes of your Husband and Angel.
I’m sure you mean well, and I can hear that you want what’s best for Rose and I think that’s admirable.
But, you felt it wasn’t your place when Angel was alive – so it’s not your place now.
You respect that woman’s wishes and leave your own feelings out of it. Thanks.
Why do you want to open Pandoras box? Angel is not there to defend her side of the story. She lived with you so you most probably have a good idea of what kind of person she is. What people project on FB isn’t real life. Your husband is Rose’s father, therefore her primary custodian, if he says leave it, then I think you need to respect him.
STOP respect your husband and stepdaughter mom wishes. You do not know these people or owe them anything. Your job is to protect your stepdaughter and you have no idea if they are good or bad. If bad we’ll kiss your marriage because you opened the door. JUST STOP
Leave it alone, as you said it’s not your place to get involved.
This is not your place drop it. Focus on you and your business.
You lived with her, do you think Angel was the kind of person to lie about something as serious as this?
People don’t make you promise no contact with their family for no reason.
Also, you are the step-mom and while you are a mother figure, her bio mom made the decision and it’s her family, so you should respect her decision. You are seriously overstepping.
If Rose asks about her mother’s family, you just tell her they were mean to mommy and mommy had to be away from them, and that mommy made everyone promise to protect her from them and not to contact them.
Honestly, there could have been child abuse or trauma, which is why she didn’t want to talk and you are like “Oh, I want to meet them and see how they are.” Right, because they are going to show you their fucking dirty laundry.
Tell them what Angel said and block them.
be careful here OP, i’m sure You mean well, but you should ask yourself: Do you really act in ‘Rose’s interest, or are You curious?
Suppose You talk to ‘Angel’, then what? Your husband is not going to like it, and if you have the feeling something is off about her, you can’t get rid of her again.
What i would advise you is talk to your husband about when You will talk about it with ‘Rose’ How old she has to be etc. This is something she will be interested in, and You can either tell her yourselves, or she will come home one day hating You for keeping this from her.
Her mother made it clear when she died what her wishes were.
Your husband has made it clear that he also wishes to maintain his ex-wifes wishes.
That as far as you are concerned is the end of the story.
Be warned that if you decide to meddle in this and act on your own volition it will end badly for you. So please for your own sake stay out of it.
Your step-daughter is free to take her own course of action later in her life. That will be **her** choice when the time comes so matter how much you wish to want to play a role in this, know that there is no role for you to play.
You may wish to keep the details of this aside for the day when it comes, but that day is not now and your part in this is over.
Unless you want to see your own marriage and your relationship with your step-daughter end.
Wait till Rose is 18 and let her make her own choices about contact. Your duty here is to protect Rose, not satisfy your curiosity. Don’t respond, that only makes them press harder and know you are listening.
LEAVE IT ALONE
I know you’re curious (I would be, too), but the right thing to do is to respect Angel’s and your husband’s wishes.
I think you’re just curious about the family and using that to justify talking to them and bringing them into Roses life. Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you
She had her reasons and it’s not up to you to go against them. Wait until she is an adult and she can decide if she wants them in her life. It’s very easy for them to call her a liar when she can’t defend herself. Respect that she knew what was best for her daughter.
Leave it alone and don’t you dare contact the family. If you were married to me and did that I would leave you. Your loyalty is to your husband and his wishes.
FFS!! Listen to your husband and follow Angels wishes!!
If they truly want to be involved in Rose’s life, then they will still want to when she is old enough to make her own decision about the situation. Until then, you should respect Angel’s dying wish. You don’t have to understand it to honor her.
Listen to your husband
You should stay out of it
This is your husband’s lane. Please do what he says. I know you are curious and you have some empathy for these people, but it is not your place to get involved. If they keep bothering you, refer them to your husband.
I would be asking myself why they want to “set the record straight” now after Angel died and can’t rebut any of their accusations. They want to control the narrative
I am NC with my mom for reasons not very many know.
My son is grown, and can make his own decisions, and he is NC with her already.
But if I was in this situation, I would not want my child having contact with my mom if I passed. I would hope that his father and what ever woman he was with would comply to my wishes.
I can also tell you that my mom would lie and make herself seem innocent, and me the bad guy when the truth is she is the bad guy.
Of course her family is going to say it’s not as bad as she made it out, because she isn’t here to call them out on it
You go talk to them, hear their side, but you don’t know Angels, so you would end up believing them, and then trying to convince your husband they are innocent and convince him to go against Angels wishes.
Two things will happen. You will alienate your husband and cause a rift in your marriage that could lead to divorce, or what ever Angel was protecting her from happens and it screws up your SD.
It’s better you block them and forget they exist. Because people don’t just go NC over nothing.
Do you think these strangers are going to confess the truth to you? Why do you trust what they might say when there’s no one alive to tell the other side? What if they sexually abused her? Do you think they’ll confess that? When they know the victim is dead & can’t tell? Or would they lie & manipulate to get what they want – access to the child?
You promised Angel you would keep those people away. If that promise was contingent on knowing why then the time to ask what happened was before Angel died. Respect the mother’s wishes. Respect her father’s wishes.
Are you prepared for your husband to dump you if you do talk to them?
I’ve read your comments. Do not under any circumstances make further contact.
She didn’t want these people in her life while she was dying. It wasn’t a petty dispute.
She kept it private which is her right, and now if you invite these people into your life they can say ANYTHING and she isn’t here to tell her side when/if they just lie.
And maybe she was so good at cutting people out of her life because when she finally cut off her family for good reason she saw how much her life improved.
This is one curiosity you should just exist with.
Or potentially discuss with your husband keeping their contact info for when the daughter is an adult if she wants to reach out at that point.
Listen, my mom is an abusive toxic real piece of work. That entire side of the family are enablers of her horrible behavior and when I cut them out they started a narrative that I was the horrible person in the situation for wanting to protect myself and my child away from her abuse. So just know, abusers can fake it for a little while. They can put on a mask and act normal and great, they can make up fake stories about how they are a victim and how the person that escaped was wrong. But rarely is a child cutting off their family ever easy, so they normally don’t do it without good reason. Also, a family that KNEW how their child felt about them, how they had cut contact, WOULD NOT be pressuring a stepparent about access to the grand kid after their child’s passing. A normal, healthy family would have gotten the hint when your husband blocked them and they would have tried to grieve and process it on their own, not try to manipulate his wife to their side behind his back. Please honor the choice she made for her own child. If I died and my husbands new partner gave my mom access to my child I would haunt her for the rest of her life.
You sound nosy and only controlled yourself because Angel was still alive. Now that she is gone, you feel like you have more power to snoop around without much consequences. I don’t like you.
The fact that Angel made a deathbed wish that her daughter was never to meet them… something serious happened that caused the NC. Protect that girl and block the family