My friends husband passed away a few days ago. Recently she messaged and asked if I wanted her husbands Christmas candy this year. I felt awkward saying no so I agreed. She said I could by anytime to pick them up. Should I say anything when I come over? Would it be rude to just get the candy and go? Or is it rude to offer to hang out for a bit? I’m nervous and unsure what the proper social protocol is
9 comments
Be direct. Talk about it. Dont run away or avoid them. A big part of grief is sharing your experience and talking about what happened. At this time of year especially, they wil be feeling especially vulnerable. Its not about the candy.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there don’t have to say anything but be there. The hay will most likely be doing all the talking and you just listen
When I’ve gone through loss, I really wanted to talk to someone about all my good memories of the person who had died – and explain why that person meant so much. I would have very much appreciated someone just coming to sit and listen. Perhaps they want the same thing too – and they’re using the candy as a reason for you to come over
Come for candies, stay for cup of coffee or wine if you’ll be invited.
Ask friend how is she, does she want to talk, if yes – just be there, listen, depends how close you’re you can hug person. Be mentally ready, she can start crying, you don’t need to calm person at this moment or say smth, let it be, just be there as a friend.
Tricky moment of conversation will be here. If she wants to talk about her husband, share only best and funny memories you have. If it makes her mood better – continue, but could be the case that it’s not and reaction can be like “I’d never be as happy as I was before with him”. Then stop and allow person to be sad.
Most important, offer your help today and for future days. People in grief can ignore regular duties. Offer them to buy groceries, do the dishes, cleaning help or laundry, again depends how close you are, you can offer help with husband belongings when she will be ready, pack his clothes from wardrobe, etc.
Do not share your experience directly like “when my granny passed, I did this and was in much worse condition than you” or “my another friends husband also passed away”. It would be much better if you ask before, if she wants and ready to listen to someone else experience.
So basic rule is give person a safe space to share emotions if she wants it, show her that she is not alone and you’re there in a distance of one phone call. You can come and listen, or you can come and help, she just need to call you
take a little Christmas gift, maybe something baked/cooked/edible/drinkable, and if invited in stay for a tea and a chat
forget about ‘protocol’
just be a nice, thoughtful friend
id maybe try to hang out a bit & talk about other things, dealing with death is often lonely
Last time I was in an awkward situation like this, I straight up said I have no idea what to say, but I want to be here for you and if you want to talk or vent I am here to listen. She thanked me after her grieving process for just being there so she wasn’t alone. Just be there for your friend because she most likely just doesnt want to be alone and forget your anxiety about saying/doing the “right” thing bc honestly, no one really knows how to react in hard situations like this.
“I’m SO sorry. This must be incredibly hard for you, especially at this time of year! How are you holding up?”
Then let her take the lead as to how much she wants to talk. A sympathetic tone is ALWAYS welcome.
Don’t ignore it. It’s the only thing that matters in her life right now.
Ask how she’s doing? Ask if she needs anything? Ask if she’d like some company, if she’d like to talk about things. Tell her you’re here for her. Be direct and tell her you’re having a tough time knowing what to do, but you’re happy to do whatever she needs. Just don’t do what my friends did to me. Don’t abandon her.