My boyfriend and I have been together now just shy of 2 years. He is a very loving, thoughtful and contributing partner. The healthiest relationship I have been in. A little back story, early on in our relationship he went through my phone and saw some flirtatious exchanges on my instagram. At the time, I thought it was innocent but obviously realized it was crossing boundaries. I told him I would never do it again and I haven’t, in fact I sense he has a lot of triggers regarding social media so I rarely post now. I often miss posting photos but I just don’t want to possibly upset him.
Cut to Monday night, I got us tickets and his friend who was visiting to a fun Christmas show from one of his favourite performers. I was excited to share this experience with them and everything was great, he was excited as well. I went to take a shower and after I got out his energy was completely different. He was cold, giving me silent treatment, barely was acknowledging me and his energy was off. I of course immediately ask him what is wrong and he says nothing. His friend is there so it would have been awkward to keep pressing on it. In turn I just become anxious and my mind is spiralling thinking I forgot an important day, maybe I did not do the dishes, thinking of every possibilty etc. The whole night is awful and I could not even enjoy the show. I was just overwhelmed with the angry energy projected at me and felt embarrassed in front of his friend. When we finally got home, he finally tells me “I have been having intuition that something is off, I know you are doing something and I went through your phone and found this conversation from a guy you met at the gym.” I immediately knew who he was referring to, some older man from my hometown approached me cause of my hat indicating i’m from that town and says how excited he was to see another person from there living here. He was harmless and I said yeah that’s great, we made small talk and he asked for my number since he has no friends here. I said sure and he texted and I responded nice to find someone from home. That was it. In fact, that same night I even told my partner about the exchange and said it was funny. I told him that is who that person was, we can facetime him if you want and ask and I think he immediately felt embarrassed and was apologetic. He said he maybe had those feelings due to the past incident etc. I barely slept that night.
I am just having an array of feelings including sadness, anger, confusion and now he is being extra sweet and I get the sense he wants me to make him feel everything is okay and I forgive him. But I feel like it is a bit unfair as I am still processing the situation and it was him being so sure I was doing something shady when I was not. We are literally flying out tomorrow to my family to spend Christmas and I am trying to get over this and move on but I am having some difficulty as it is so fresh. I feel like i can’t talk to anyone about this so I am here. How do I move forward? Thank you for reading and listening.
23 comments
I don’t blame him. Finding those messages early in the relationship damaged the trust. Even if you built the trust back up over time, he still remembers and it will always be in the back of his mind.
If he freaked out without being given a reason, you could have the right to be upset. But he DID have a reason: the flirty DMs. Now that he knows it was harmless, he does feel bad. He admitted it himself that the DMs from early on were the reason.
You should let him know everything is okay and go back to normal. He isn’t trying to find an issue anymore and wants to move on, so should you.
Enjoy Christmas with him and enjoy your relationship.
You don’t deserve to be punished for his exes’ transgressions. It’s not fair for you to walk on eggshells due to his insecurities. I think a nice long conversation is in order. Set boundaries. If he can’t comply, then you have the option to move on.
The bottom line is, without trust it will always be a sore point in the relationship and it has reached the point now, of you literally walking on egg shells around him all the time, because God forbid, if a fly only sneezes on you…oh boy look out…
You have some real reflecting to do and to weigh out the pros and cons in this thing, because it will only get worse as time goes on…
I’m hung up on the part where you were anxious spiraling because you thought he might be giving you angry energy because you may have forgotten to do the dishes. I suspect there are way more abusive behaviors going on here than just the phone thing.
How often are you waking on eggshells to preserve the peace in your household?
He’s upset because he feels blindsided. Once you realized he has some hang ups with online communication, for better or worse, you needed to (and it sounds like you mostly did) change your communication methods.
In this case, why didn’t you loop your boyfriend in? I naturally tell my fiancé, and _want_ to tell him, about every stranger I met, down to that weirdo in the starbucks line. Even if I had done nothing wrong, I’m sure the mere fact that I decided to keep an older man’s texts to myself would make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable. And I get it… if he met an older friendly woman, completely platonic, but chose not to tell me about it… I would assume the worst. I would be confused as to why he didn’t let me know. In relationships where you tell each other everything, especially when one of you has some insecurities, I don’t get why you didn’t tell him this?
Again, you did nothing wrong on the surface. But I get his side. You seem to get where his insecurities come from, so I’m confused as to why you’re confused. I, too, would be uncomfortable and confused with my boyfriend sneakily texting an older woman, even if it seems platonic. He tells me everything, so why not this? This whole scenario boils down to you not telling him about this guy, especially after knowing his unique hang ups. Give him some time to wrap his head around his own issues, don’t bring up or text this man for a bit, and let it cool down. If you find yourself unable to text this random dude between now and the new years, that’s a bad sign. After christmas, bring it up again and offer to bring your bf to the gym with you. Ask him what he’s thinking. But seriously, give him a few days to decompress and think it through before you broach the topic again.
You may not have cheated or done anything wrong with this man, but you did wrong by your boyfriend, since you clearly knew his individual preferences and boundaries.
I’m sure lots of people give their numbers to randos from the gym who bonded over a hat. I’m also sure that there are lots of people who wouldn’t date people who felt the need to comply with every request for their number. Pick the people you want to please better.
Trust is broken. Hard to repair. Might need Therapy.
Oof. Your bf is acting like you cheated back then and you have been walking on egg shells for too long. Did you actually wonder if his energy was off because you didn’t do the dishes?! It sounds like your bf is *training* you like you do for a dog, if you are a bad trainer. Silent treatment, ignoring you, etc. That is not healthy.
Think you should give him some slack but have a talk about the trust issues because you don’t want this to be a recurring theme. It needs to stop. He’s 37 — my guess is that he has some emotional baggage (damage) and trust issues as a result of prior relationships since he has been going through your phone since you started dating. He doesn’t want those past experiences to impact (sabotage) his current relationship with you (any more than you do), but probably has a very difficult time controlling his fear and negative emotions. Its something he needs to work through because you can’t live like this long-term.
My dad was a serial cheater and he always accused my mom. Ask to go through his phone
Its not a co-incidence that this stuff suddenly happened just before a night out OR just before Xmas.
Do you really think he randomly had an ‘intuition’ and complained about the old man at the gym *that he already knew about*
He is throwing out abusive and controlling tactics at times that are awkward to confront (its a method) in the hopes you’ll just be happy to sweep them under the rug for “christmas”
You will never be able to enjoy yourself because this dude is broken. He’s always going to be mistrusting because that’s who he is. Don’t ruin another nice night staying with a miserable man.
OP if he has been in therapy and in two years hasn’t changed or gotten better than he never will.
My husband had baggage when I met him. His ex cheated on him constantly. And he brought that baggage into our relationship. I had to put my foot down and remind him I am not her and I will not live my life paying for her mistakes. He either fixes his shit or I walk. He fixed his shit, and now 24 years later we both completely trust each other.
You messed up in the beginning, but immediately fixed it and have proven yourself over the years. Him getting a feeling and going through your phone was uncalled for. He forgave you two years ago and supposedly moved on. So he no longer can use that excuse.
You either need to live with always walking in egg shells or time to end the relationship.
“It’s a healthy relationship” “I don’t do something I like – and is harmless – because it upsets him” “oh and he likes to go through my phone behind my back” “I almost had a panic attack because I thought his irrational anger was because doing dishes slipped my mind”
Please realize that none of this is healthy. None of his behavior is okay
Yeah I wouldn’t be ok with my partner giving out her number to a stranger at a gym. Especially if there’s no reason or intention to ever meet up. Like, what’s the point?
I think I would’ve said “great to meet you, might see you around again” and leave it at that.
The trust was broken so your partner is hyper vigilant. Trust takes a long time to repair and all words and actions have to align.
You move on together if you want to stay together. If he needs to see there are no monsters under the bed, are you okay with showing him? Providing he’s doing work on his end? It takes two to make a relationship work. He can’t just crown himself with his past trauma, and reign supreme. He has to work through it, too. Ask him what he feels he needs to be more secure, and if it’s doable for you, do it. But, he needs to communicate, as opposed to shutting you out. There are steps available to help a person move past trauma, but they need to do them. You’re there to support him through it. Not to do the work for him, and be cross examined by a hostile person who views the world through a filter of pain and betrayal
Ask to go through his phone since he went through yours and watch for his reaction. Sometimes people project. They have the mindset of “if I’m doing this and they have no clue, what are they doing that I don’t know about?”
The way he treated you is abusive and not right. Instead of asking to speak in private, he went looking for a problem, found something that supported the scenario in his head, and then punished you for it without telling you why. Do you want this to keep happening every time he feels insecure?
Ok read that message back – he has been a controlling (and probably isolating) AH through your whole relationship. The whole dynamic sounds awful 🙁 please tell me you are still in touch with friends and family – ask them their opinion
Walking on eggshells is no way to live. He just showed plenty of abusive behavior, it starts out small and escalates.
They do things that upset you and then shower you with I’m sorry and flowers and gifts and I’ll never do it again. Except next time it will be worse.
One of my crazy Ex’s once decided I was cheating on her with another Ex of mine. It was an emotionally soul sucking experience and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. (Plot Twist – later found out the girl I was supposedly cheating on her with had died years ago. I didn’t know because – well – I wasn’t in contact.)
Is it just me or do the posts that start with “the healthiest relationship I’ve been in” always make me sigh and be scared to read on.
Just because it’s the healthiest relationship you’ve been in doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy.
“In turn I just become anxious and my mind is spiraling thinking I forgot an important day, may I did not do the dishes” If that man makes you that anxious that you are worried he is mad with you for forgetting to do the dishes. Pack you bags and go. Seriously, that one line caused me worry. You should never feel that anxious with someone you love. They should be you safe place.