Hey so I’m 37M. Around mid November I got a message from a friend saying one of her friends was asking if she knew anyone single, so my name got mentioned. She (32) then found me on Facebook, thought I was cute etc etc and wanted to get to know me. The catch was she’s long distance (about 90min drive) and has 2 young kids. But I thought hey why not. It could be interesting to see how this goes. Very rare for me to get set up. So we swapped numbers.
The next two weeks were like a whirlwind. Constant messaging, talking on phone / FaceTime for hours, we just seemed to have this crazy connection with so much in common. It felt like we were both really in to each other. It’s been so long since I’d experienced any kind of connection like this. We then started making plans to meet up but at the same time it just began to simmer down. Messages were losing that spark of excitement and phone call lengths got less and less. I understood completely that she has a busy life as a working single mom so I put it down to that and me just overthinking it.
Last week I sent her a long message just laying everything out, how I felt about her, would love to get to know her more but that I couldn’t help notice the excitement had dissipated. She replied by largely reciprocating what I’d said and explained how her life is so crazy right now and so just doesn’t have time to dedicate to anything serious. I understood and respected her honesty completely. One thing just didn’t make sense though. She reached out to me at the start. Her intentions were pretty clear so I was happy to be on board. But now I just feel really hard done by. I’ve had similar conversations on OLD where it all sounds exciting and then they say sorry my head’s not in the right place need to go sort myself out ok bye 👋🏻.
So now we’re hardly messaging at all. I’m just baffled by this whole thing. What was the point of it all? I get that these things happen but didn’t expect it in these circumstances. Just feels like maybe she needed some validation. I hate thinking that might be the case as she came across as such a lovely person. I’m so bummed about this.
Edit: before it started to dissipate we did actually make plans to meet. But she cancelled a couple days before. We talked about getting together just before Christmas but just today she cancelled again.
13 comments
I don’t see this as her needing validation. I see this as her wanting something (a deep connection with someone) in concept — but being unable to be vulnerable enough to accomplish that in reality.
And, as much as it sucks, that’s pretty common: everyone wants to meet the love of their life until they realize how much they need to let someone in to actually have that. They open up initially because it feels good (kind of like how it’s easy to vent to a stranger at a bar) then get spooked when things get serious and pull away.
ETA: I wouldn’t overthink your own behavior on this one. It sounds like you were communicative, emotionally open, and respectful. Sometimes you just have to let people work through their own issues.
I hate to be a cynic, but whenever a woman shows initial interest and then says something like, “My life is so crazy right now and I just don’t have time to dedicate to anything serious,” my immediate thought is that they just aren’t interested but don’t wanna be confrontational. Like, I went out with this girl a few times in college, and she suddenly started pulling away, not answering messages, etc. Finally she told me that she “wasn’t ready to date right now,” although I eventually got her to admit that she simply wasn’t interested and the rest of it was all bullshit. Which, by the way, is fine. I prefer honesty. Way too many women feel like they have to “let you down gently” or something instead of just being upfront and honest.
I agree with other commenters. Her fantasies started hitting reality, and her excitement waned, is most likely.
When your kid is 2 or 3, you can get them to stop just about anything by jingling keys in their face. Pro tip, have fake keys. But anyways back to the main point, and that’s NEW is exciting and there’s lot to get to know. You need to use this period to build common memories. Don’t wait to meet, it basically never works.
And lastly she might have just decided that you aren’t for her.
Sorry bud.
Hi! Single mom here. It could be that she genuinely enjoyed that time you were communicating and that she was as into it as you were. But then one or both of the following happened: 1) she came back down to earth after that initial infatuation faded due to not progressing to meeting in person and/or 2) all that communication started to feel like an obligation, which is overwhelming and caused her to want to tap out. Not saying either are because of anything that you did.
Up to you what to do next. You can cut your losses and move on. Or you can keep talking to her like a friend (and let her know that’s what your intention is), and potentially wait for a spark to come back. I only recommend the latter if you’re also okay with the potential of the relationship never expanding past a friendship.
Christmas is a crazy time for a single mother. She’s probably overwhelmed at the moment and doesn’t have the energy to spare on a relationship like she might have thought she would/had prior to the holidays.
Some people like attention, but don’t want more than that.
I’d advise you to not text/call so much prior to actually meeting in person. This seems to happen to people fairly often.
When I see or hear the words *what was the point of it all,* as a response of something cooling down, or coming to an end, that tells me either 1.) Things went too fast in the beginning, and 2.) No sense of personal/emotional boundaries were set out or kept.
Did you ever meet or make an attempt to meet? If after a month of talking, neither of you have wanted to put in the effort of the 90 minute drive, maybe the connection wasn’t as strong as you hoped? Maybe she got tired of being pen pals and was expecting you to take the initiative for an in-person date?
Everybody is excited for a new connection, but the more time you sit with that connection the less new it becomes and the regularity sets in. There are only so many “what do you like” and “tell me about yourself” questions you can go through before you need more. I think this is one of the major hurtles of electronic “dating.” Everything get compressed. Conversations that would take days or weeks in real life get compressed into evenings and on top of that you don’t have the physical accompaniment which is something that I believe bonds two people more than just the intellectual stimulation alone. At some point you need to start making memories with the person in real life to have any hopes of transitioning to the next stage and I think this was a case of spending too long just talking and not committing to actually meeting in person.
Honestly anytime that’s happened to me it usually means they met someone else.
But also we’re slowly coming out of a pandemic and people are still bouncing back socially, so people don’t really have their bearings back with how to maintain social relationships, personal, romantic, or professional
I’m sorry this happened. You sound like you handled it with maturity and vulnerability. It’s so frustrating. Best wishes to you!
This is the problem with ‘whirlwind’ situations. Talking all the time to someone you don’t know and haven’t met in person creates a false sense of familiarity and connection. It’s also a lot of work to keep that momentum up, it’s usually not realistic.
Anytime I’ve been in a situation like this it’s become something was “off”.
Too much too soon, too over the top, something.
But without knowing her story, it’s hard to guess.