I’m a pretty extreme introvert…I need A LOT of ‘me time’ and really don’t like doing more than one social thing a week (maybe two). Going on a date (especially a first date with someone I met online) is one of my least favorites, and I get burned out really easily. I’m not sure how I can make this process more bearable (even fun!), because I’m 2023 I do want to put more effort into my dating life.
Would love any advice from fellow introverts
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I, too, basically don’t enjoy meeting a stranger from online, which is what OLD encourages and most users here want…meet asap with a stranger you barely know.
Apparently taking a couple of weeks or whatever to chat or build rapport is “wasting time” and expecting communication is being needy.
So, I haven’t dated since 2018 and it’s not looking too bright that 2023 will be any better. Obviously is this terrible advice OP was asking for but I still wanted to share how I view things 🫤
Prepare to suffer a bit I guess…
Word on the street is it gets easier after a while.
only thing i can suggest is suggestings things you like to do to make it more tolerable. The thing about us introverts is that we like our alone time, however, if we meet someone we can click with, that doesn’t annoy us, doesn’t drain us, we don’t have a problem allowing them into our bubble. sadly we just have to feel uncomfortable until we find that person
Introvert here, I am picky about who I meet, and only tend to agree to a date if I’m pretty sure I’ll have at least a decent time with the person.
I know many people here say texting and meeting in person can be vastly different, and that may well be true for some people, but I’ve found out for me personally if I feel good about the online chat, it usually translates into real life as well. It doesn’t mean there will definitely be great compatibility or romantic attraction, but the time spent will at least feel enjoyable enough and worth my energy. So, for me it’s worth holding out for someone I feel like I click with… if I’m already not feeling it online, then I’m unlikely to meet them just for the sake of trying to date. In the past I’ve ignored some misgivings to give someone a chance and it rarely pans out well.
This means I don’t go out on many first dates. I also try not to schedule dates close together, because that’s tiring. Your mileage might vary – I can afford to do this because I’m not in a rush to find someone (I don’t care about having biological kids).
Also, if someone suggests a date activity or location that I’m not keen on, I’m not shy about counteracting with alternatives that I would be happier with to see if they’re willing to oblige. And I try to find people who live close by so neither of us have to go too much out of our way to meet. All these help make dating less taxing.
I’m with ya. After so much social connection with the outside world, I need to hide away for a bit, lol. I do enjoy going out more than 1-2 times a week if it’s with someone I enjoy being around, but if you want to find someone, you have to put yourself in many uncomfortable situations and let extroverts drain you 😂
As a fellow introvert, dating doesn’t have to be draining. How do you plan on dating? If it’s online then i can understand how that can be draining. If you’re doing things that normally interest you and meeting people that way then it will probably feel less draining. For example let’s say you meet someone through a rock climbing group that you click with.
If you decide to do online dating then I would suggest being very thorough in who you’re matching with. State that you’re an introvert but be aware that some people might assume it means shy. By being more thorough you can date less but go out with people you’re more likely to have multiple dates with. Some platforms are going to be better suited to this since a lot of platforms now are more swipe based(off of pictures) which doesn’t encourage reading through profiles.
Above all, make time for yourself. You know your needs. You don’t need to be dating left and right every day. If you want to take a few days for yourself then give yourself that time. You can’t give your best if you’re not feeling your best!
My two strategies:
– Keep it short. I don’t need to commit to more than a one hour coffee date for a first encounter.
– Go progressively from having proper discussions over text, to maybe an online activity, to meeting IRL.
M with exactly the same description, minus the first date issues here.
Honestly, it’s no different than dating as any other kind of person, though online dating makes it easier for me. If you don’t want to do as much dating as the average bear, communicate something about your introversion on your dating profile, or otherwise find some way to signal that imo. My favorite way to indicate that is to find a way to include a brief as hell overview of a “month in the life”. That will convey how much activity you like. Frame it positively as a time you enjoyed, but *be honest about your activity levels*. If you try to come off as someone who likes to do more than you actually do, that’s implicitly ehatll be expected.
Of course, reduced need and capacity for social stimulation isn’t a flaw that prevents you from dating successfully, it’s part of who your are and hence is something that factors into compatibility. Don’t hide it, wear it!
My approach is to disable notifications from the app and just engage with it on my schedule! If there’s someone I’m excited about, I naturally gravitate towards chatting. If not, other stuff instead – dating is supposed to be fun!
As for first date difficulties, I feel you a bit. I just make sure that I don’t have anything on the following day to recuperate from the burnout. For a first date, you might try something with a concrete cutoff time/end of event that you secretly have a followup for if it’s going well and you feel up for continuing.
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask – I’m not a tomcat or anything, I just super enjoy dating as an introvert
Red flags for me that pop up early are how considerate folks are, and if they can work with you to find a common ground for communication styles.
If you can “sync” how & how often you communicate, how & how often you hang out, and be respectful of each other…that’s 90% of the battle.
You’ll regularly find people who have different communication methods than you. If it’s 7pm, you’re burnt out for the evening from social interaction, just politely “hey I’m gonna wind down with a book, I’ll hit you up tomorrow” or whatever you need to do. A lot of the introversion burn out comes from the struggle of putting up firm, polite, and friendly boundaries or thinking you have to adjust to what’s “normal” (everyone is different).
If a first date goes well and you want a follow up: “I have a lot going on this week, but would like to keep in touch and hang again. How’s your schedule middle-late next week looking? Could get something tentatively on our calendars?”
That gives you a week of breathing room, sets expectations, and lets someone know you’re interested but can’t message and hang with them all day, every day.
I find online dates a lot less emotionally draining than many social activities because they’re low-pressure and you can dip after a drink. I do need some social interaction (or I feel bad about myself if I haven’t had any in weeks), and between going to a party or a dinner and hanging out with people for hours and chatting with some guy at the bar down the street for 40 minutes, I feel like the latter is some pretty efficient social interaction. I guess I’m a weird introvert.
Date other introverts
When you find that person trust me it won’t be hard. The people that I’ve connected with in the past were a little of both introvert and extrovert. When you go on dates, try to do something that’s going to make you open up. I’m competitive so games are going to help me open up and talk more.
OLD is better if you’re introverted – gives you the chance to get to know someone over text, in your own time and space. Remember the bad old days when you had to approach a stranger in a bar/club? Hellish.
I’d say take your time, and suggest activities like an art gallery where you aren’t constantly talking but also have an easy topic of conversation: the art!
This may be a bit controversial, but it’s what I have found helped in my own life: **your life could get better if you tried to be less introverted.**
I think we too often treat introversion/extroversion as fixed, unalterable traits. They’re not. Yes, you probably can’t switch from an introvert to an extrovert completely, but you can become *more social, less shy, and less burned out by social situations*. It may be hard and it may take time — for me, it took therapy and lots of time trying new things that I found very intimidating at first — but it is possible. I used to be an introvert who craved enormous amounts of alone time. Now I’m an introvert who really likes people and wants to be around them a lot — and still enjoys an evening to myself with a book sometimes.
I would recommend starting by trying to do more social things that aren’t dating. Do you have friends who host parties? Can you invite friends over for something at your place? Can you spend more time getting coffee/grabbing a drink/etc with a friend or two? When you do those things, spend some time afterward journaling about what was good about the experience and what you would like do have more of. Think of this as exposure therapy to gradually increase your social appetite.
I’m not saying it’s inherently bad to be an introvert or anything like that. But I think I hear you saying that, as a practical matter, it would be easier to accomplish your goals if you had more social energy. All I’m saying is that you can increase the amount of social energy you have with enough time and effort. That’s not a trait set in stone.
Good luck out there!
I was a huge introvert. Panic attacks and social anxiety that made me sick to be in large groups.
I just started forcing myself to go out and be social against what I wanted. It was like swimming up river but it gets easier over time. It’s like a muscle that you have to exercise rather than a condition you have to live with. I still get burnt out being around people but i go home, recharge, and then get back out there. Best of luck!
Honestly finding the right person. My partner sometimes stays over for 4 days out of the week and I don’t feel drained at all. In fact I miss him when he’s not here. It’s a really weird feeling not being like ok please leave I need me time.
With first dates keep it short. Drinks or coffee which only takes an hour or two. I also would only do like 1 date a week. I found myself spreading out the social interactions helped to not drain my battery as much.
One of my favorite things is working out, and one of my least favorite is people. After 2ish years of hobbit pandemic life, I knew I’d have to force myself to be among people again, or worse, do OLD, to meet new people. AGH! So I decided to combine my fave and least fave things by joining a gym to try to balance it out. I won’t lie, it was an unmitigated horror to all of my senses for a long minute. I did, however, develop a mild crush on a gymgoer 6 mos or so ago and as both of us don the headphones of LeaveMeAlone, seeing him for a brief moment from afar once a week was the tiny bit of positivity I needed to keep going despite, you know, *people*. Anyway, we recently had our first conversation and it went way better than I would’ve thought I was capable, with my badly rusty social skills and general abhorrance of human interaction.
I feel you. I’m so introverted that I have a phobia of first dates. I posted about it a week ago and got a ton of great replies. Worth checking out.
I don’t know honestly. Pretty introverted myself. It takes alot to mentally prepare myself for a date and put myself out there. Most dates I keep thinking we are having a great time, so I figure I just hit everyone’s laundry list of dealbreakers, because afterwards I either get ghosted or if I am lucky a polite rejection. And then I tell myself I am taking a break. And then the next day I schedule another date.
It’s been over 6 months and probably around 20 dates. A handful of 2nd or 3rd dates, but nothing even close to going anywhere. I am really starting to feel like there is just noone out there for me, but I don’t really know what else to do besides “keep trying.” I guess I should be glad I can even get dates because I have friends who can’t.
So I’m not necessarily an introvert but my boyfriend sure as hell is. He needs A LOT of alone time. I’m not sure how helpful this will be as far as first dates and all go but we mostly chill. A lot of the time we’re basically just alone together like do our own thing but in the same room or we’ll hang out and do something when we find something we both want to do. I think it’s also important to find someone who understands how you work and it’s important to them that you don’t feel drained. Sometimes it’s hard for me to leave him alone bc I love him and talking to him is my favorite thing ever. But someone who cares about you will work to make sure you’re comfortable.
Never go for dinner first. I am an ambivert but I overindex on the introvert side and also need to recover from interactions, especially the ones with strangers.
I have been trapped in crappy dates from which I could not get out of because I had agreed to dinner so the guys knew I had nothing else to do.
And walking out saying you’re not interested is complicated and not an easy thing to do.
So, I advise you grab a drink or coffee as a first date only. Have a dinner planned after with friends, or make one up, whatever works for you so it puts a time limit on the date. You won’t feel like you need to recover as much if you do this.
Become less introverted. That’s how I addressed the issue.
Many introverts talk about all these things that they won’t do, but just because you’re introverted doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it to improve your situation.
If you get burnt out easily, you can increase how long you last by continuing to do it
My boyfriend is an introvert. He told me right from the get go. I let him plan dates when he wanted. I was prepared to see him only once a week or less and honestly I’m a busy mom so I didn’t hate that idea. But we quickly clicked and spend almost every weekend together but during the week we don’t usually see each other. We communicate in some way every day because that is important to me for staying connected while we are apart. But when he’s had enough, he tells me nicely that he’s feeling burnt out. And occasionally he takes a weekend off for himself. It took a bit for him to tell me he needed some alone weekends. But once he realized i was ok with that, he communicates his needs better.
My point is… find someone who accepts you for who you are. And communicate with them about your needs. If they care, they will give you what you need. But be willing to compromise sometimes to give them what they need too.
One strategy I like is combining dates with things I was going to do anyway. For example, a first date at a (busy, safe) park so you can walk your dog and get to know your date at the same time. Personally this strategy has helped me feel less drained by the “getting to know you” process.
I do a video call before I meet people IRL. Helps to assess comparability and is a bit of a vibe check. If I feel comfortable I’m happy to proceed to a date but if not then I know that a date will be an energy drain. This helps manage my energy levels A LOT.