No effort = don’t talk to me…?

9 comments

1. I seem to also face this issue with the People I’m already close with.
   Growing up I was also the one to initiate most things when it came to hanging out with friends, now I’m In university and I see these people slowly Getting farther and Farther away from me, Making me realize I put 70% of the effort and they didn’t even bother to meet me half way. I’m afraid that this will keep happening with my current friends as well, It really sucks.

2. It could be for a number of reasons; if someone is not as responsive to you they may be busy, shy, socially anxious or just a bad texter.

   Although if you are always the one to reach out, and they are generally low energy I’d say cut your losses and find someone more aligned with you.

   If this is a current friend has something changed or happened to make them react this way?

3. Measuring for “same” effort will destroy every relationship you have since most people overestimate their contribution and underestimate other people’s contributions.

   Measuring for at least *some* effort on their end is indeed super important though.

4. It simply means they do not prioritize or value interacting with you. People make time and effort for whom they want to make time and effort for. If you are such a person in their life, they will make it abundantly clear to you via action i.e. they will text you first occasionally and give effort in texting you first or back. Don’t chase or beg people to respond to you or text you first. Only they decide and control if they want to do it.

5. A lot of people are on autopilot, meaning they put minimal effort into things unless it’s something they’re really interested in. So, where does that leave you as a “friend?” I would say you’re probably either an acquaintance or possibly a casual friend.

   There are a couple different ways to run with that. One is to say, oh well, these people aren’t showing enough appreciation or interest (ie. it doesn’t feel sufficiently reciprocal) so you give up on it and seek other people who WILL respond in a more fair and interested way. That’s definitely a legit way to go.

   A second approach would be to consider what makes you special in the sense that people would WANT to hang out with you. In other words, what would make them look forward to hearing from you and motivate them to respond because they were happy to hear from you.

   Sometimes we take stuff like this for granted, but in a culture that is so busy and distracted to begin with, I think it’s fair to wonder what exactly is our own Special Sauce that causes people to want to be our friend.

6. It’s simple. You are more interested in them than they are. Whether it will be fun, money, friendship, lover, they don’t see em from you and not investing their time to you.

7. Some people have talked everyhing they had and nothing new happened that they could talk about. Thus they don’t see a reason why they should text you if they don’t have anything to talk about. This some people are less talkative.

   Also some people are more responsive than initiators. They might talk about a topic if asked, but they won’t talk about a topic unprompted as they don’t think that topic is interesting/important, but you initiating that topic could show them that there is a “demand” for the topic.

   Some people might not initiate a conversation because they might think that they are bothering you, so they just keep things to themselves unless asked.

   Maybe they put effort in an aspect that you value less and don’t see the effort put. Maybe it takes them more effort to converse with you. Like my friend complains that i don’t put any effort, but ignores the effort that i put into interacting with them for 3 hours 4 days a week. They ignore the effort it takes my introverted self to do it and then they complain that i’m tired halfway through because my social battery is at critical level and i didn’t have any time for myself between work and interacting with them.

8. For me, I procrastinate messaging people. I know people say it’s a bad excuse, but I often dismiss notifications in the moment and forget, and it can be overwhelming seeing a ton of texts that have built up. Idk how common that is but I definitely take a while to respond, even to people I like.

9. tbh in the past I was always the one giving but now couldnt care less and focussing on me with flat, college and gym doing my own thing and if they talk great if they dont oh well