I’ve been having this really hard internal struggle lately. I’m happily married, have a house and stable financial life, healthy social outlets, a good job, and general stability. My husband has changed over the past few years and is excited about the possibility of children. Despite all this, having kids just doesn’t appeal to me.
I (30F) had a conversation with my sister about this after she was asking when we were planning on kids. She said that it’s really hurtful to her that my niece is going to have a massive financial burden from the people in our generation not having kids and requiring her children to support an aging society. Seeing what’s happening in Japan is confusing, and I really don’t know how to process it all. I feel like because of my privilege in life circumstances sharing my resources and having kids would be the socially responsible thing to do. I’m terrified of being alone when I’m elderly, and every person I’ve ever known who had kids didn’t regret it. A lot of people say those aren’t “good enough” reasons, but I honestly don’t think they’re any less reasonable than the emotional drive to have a child.
I know I WANT to want kids. My husband (34M) married me knowing I wasn’t planning on having them, but after a few years passed he said he would be excited if we did. He says he’s fine either way but I know he would prefer to have kids. The problem is every time I think about actually having a child, I feel dread down to the pit of my stomach. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews, but I’ve never had baby fever or a craving for a child of my own. There’s no specific aversion either, just a complete disinterest and repulsion of the thought of being responsible for a child.
I know that if I could just get over it and have a baby, that my future self would probably thank me, and that my life would be a lot more full and joyful. I want to be able to try for a baby without feeling anxious and uninterested. I wish I could just hear some magical thing or reason that would flip this emotional switch for me.
I guess I’m asking how to get over this hurdle. Is this normal? Has anyone else ever been in my shoes? How did you get past it and what is your life like now?
TL/DR I want to WANT to give my husband a family, and don’t know how to overcome my aversion to having kids.
15 comments
Can you text me to advise. You about that
Children should be born from love, not so their job to carry society.
Babysitting and having your own kid are completely different. Is it possible your just scared about parenthood?
Why force yourself to like something you dont? Parenthood terrifies you. Why turn this into a “social responsibility” to have kids??? Just dont have them.
You mention repulsion at the thought of being a parent. Is it worth the risk of bringing a child into the world that you may grow to resent, just to assuage the guilt your sister is putting on you because someday her daughter, whom she chose to have, might have to pay higher taxes?
That sounds absolutely insane. I have 13 niblings and love them all but my decision to put myself through literal decades of hardship and destroy my own mental health to have kids I can’t emotionally support is 100% more of a priority to me than some vague fictional eventuality for them.
The world is going to hell, I guess I just don’t understand the logic in having kids purely to alleviate a minuscule amount of pressure on the kids someone else chose to subject to that.
If you are not enthusiastic about becoming a parent please don’t do it…if you end up hating it and wishing you hadn’t had kids your children will pick up on it and it will affect them mentally and emotionally.
If you were to die tomorrow, would you regret not having a child with your husband?
As others said above, your post sounds like you don’t want to have a child and you sound like you intuitively know that about yourself. But you’re trying to convince yourself that you do want a child. You have these reasons that are for your husband or for your sister but not for yourself?
In my experience, parenthood is extremely challenging even for those who really want kids. Many people find it’s tough – isolation, sleep deprivation, disruptions to your career, financial responsibilities, no time for yourself – kids will be all consuming and it almost feels like losing yourself and your quality of life. Especially for women, pregnancy, labour and delivery, and postpartum periods will be difficult without a lot of support. It truly is a life changing decision and I hope you can find the right answer for yourself.
Quite frankly, choosing not to have children is much more socially and environmentally responsible. Without children you will also have more financial capability to support yourself and your family in old age. Also you are assuming your children will be healthy and capable adults. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. There is no good reason to have children and honestly I don’t think people should have children unless you truly believe that you can give them a better life than what you had physically, emotionally, financially. There’s always adoption if you want to be a parent. And if you are not ready to be a parent, please don’t guilt yourself into it. What a burden to place on your unborn child.
Also your “practical reasons” are all about you and other people, not about your child. That tells me that you will be very unprepared for what effect on your life a child will actually have in reality.
I think it’s only worth considering if husband is willing to be primary carer. My daughter had a child for her husband and whilst she loves and adores the child it has taken a huge toll on her mental health. She misses full time working , worries constantly about health and feels huge Mom guilt for not looking forward to 6-12 hours per day with a child. She is overwhelmed by the feeling of responsibility and exhausted. If her husband had stayed home and she was full time I think she would be doing much bettter.
*She said that it’s really hurtful to her that my niece is going to have a massive financial burden from the people in our generation not having kids and requiring her children to support an aging society.*
There are plenty of other kids being born, if not in your country then in others. With nearly eight billion of us on this planet, quite a few of us at each others’ throats for decades, lack of people is not going to be a problem (until the eco/nuclear/climate catastrophe happens.)
Honestly? Once you have a child you feel so differently and so in love. I never had a baby fever and getting pregnant was more of a pragmatic move if you will. Now I am so happy and glad that I went with it because it’s a love unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.
I don’t really understand. You say:
* having kids just doesn’t appeal to me
* complete disinterest and repulsion of the thought of being responsible for a child
* My husband (34M) married me knowing I wasn’t planning on having them
In one comment you say you’re choosing to have kids, not that you want them. In another comment you say you decided to want them. You’re forcing it.
**Repulsion is an extremely strong emotion. Disinterest is damaging.**
You don’t want kids, you want a decent pension plan. Invest all the money you would otherwise spend raising kids and you’ll have that.
If part of your plan is to have emotional support in your elderly years, it won’t work. If you are disinterested in and repulsed by your children, why would they be there for you later in life?
You have nieces and nephews, and you love spending time with them. Cultivate those relationships. They’ll be your emotional support. In my experience, kids think aunties are way cooler than parents. When the teenage years hit and they’re pushing back against their parents, the auntie is their chosen adult. Those relationships are special and important.
I know this is always everyone’s answer on reddit but in this case it’s genuinely therapy. If you want kids but are averse to it for one reason or another, seek advice from a qualified professional and research everything you can; from parenting advice, to pregnancy, to childhood and developmental timelines etc etc etc
If you have to pressure yourself in having kids you shouldn’t have kids. It’s not your job to pop out kids just because you have an uterus. Have a long talk with your husband about it.
I’m not sure that I agree it’s the social responsible thing to do. I do understand your point, but global warming is due to humans and the way we consume and the sheer number of us. We kill many other species and habitats. Mental health is declining because of things like social media. I’d be willing to debate that the responsible thing to do would be to not have children. But that’s not to put you off having them. Do what you feel like. I’m just giving a different view to consider when talking with your sis. Good luck in your decision and enjoy the journey there