It’s been this way my (23m) entire life, where everyone would be so dismissive and mean. I had to do so much just to be treated like everyone else. Teachers never cared when I got bullied but got mad when I stood up for myself. People would take out their frustrations on me, and make negative assumptions about me. For example, if I wanted to borrow someone’s pencil they’d accuse me of trying to steal it, even though I had no history or reputation for being a thief. People in groups avoid interacting with me, even though they don’t know me.
I’ve been accepted before, and I know what it’s like to feel welcome, and in these situations something just feels off. Everyone seems to think I’m worthless, not worth respecting, and not worth listening to. It feels next to impossible to be valued by anyone.
I know plenty of people will say that respect is earned, and I get that in the context of a career (which I am not asking about) but not interpersonal relationships. I’m talking about decency, and it seems like no one else has to do anything but be themselves to receive that.
At first I assumed it was because I was unattractive, but I can’t think of anything that could possibly create so much disdain for someone who isn’t hurting anyone before they even meet them. How can someone “look” worthless? I don’t really go out of my way to bother or annoy people, and I don’t feel like I’m any more of a failure than anyone else. Clearly I’m doing something wrong, because even my own mother thinks I’m useless no matter how much I succeed or excel in life.
I want to be clear that I am working on myself and not just whining. I do work on my social skills and have been for the past 5 years, and I am in a decent position in life otherwise (grad school, regularly exercising, trying new hobbies). I’m in the middle of changing therapists, and I just haven’t been able to figure out why this could be happening to me.
3 comments
I suggest calming down and take each interaction separately. Consider whether there is something the person you are talking to needs at that moment that you can provide. Some kind remark, perhaps, nothing intrusive. Help with something simple. A friendly smile. Stop thinking about yourself. One event at a time. Breathe. Be kind. Start there.
It’s hard to know if this is actually a pattern but you can only try to change you, not others. I’m going to suggest that you may need to work on self-esteem.
You are the only one you have some control over. You can decide to change how you act, how you react, how you use your face and body. You can work on vocal tone, posture, style. Stand up straight, head up, look at people straight on, nice expression, dress appropriately, good haircut. Sometimes superficial appearance adjustments can improve your confidence, which can affect both your own mood and how others react to you.
Other things you can do to help your self-esteem is, well, do whatever you do as well as you can. Even little things. Try to be excellent. Pat yourself on the back (to yourself) as you do things better. Don’t complain. Don’t brag. Be kind. If you are not excellent quickly, recognize even small improvements. Like when you were a little kid and your mom praised you for tiny achievements— do that for yourself and keep working to improve.
Just going to make a guess based on what you’ve said. If your own mother isn’t giving you a proper sense of love and respect, that’s going to filter into your perception of yourself. No matter what you believe logically, your heart will tell you you’re not worth loving.
I think that’s utterly wrong. It’s a parent’s JOB to love their children unconditionally and value them for anything and everything they bring to the world, no matter how small.
So, I think you have a pretty big job to do in learning to truly and thoroughly love yourself the way your (mom? parents?) should have done. Maybe your therapist can help in terms of pointing the way, or if you have a religion you’re connected to you could maybe get a spiritual underpinning for this.
But until you love yourself unreservedly, it’ll be difficult to connect with others, they’ll just keep getting this subtle vibe of self-loathing and treat you badly because of it.
Once you learn to self-love, then you become powerful enough to give love to others. When you try to do this BEFORE you love yourself, then it comes off as pandering, or supplicating or trying to seek approval.
This is a pretty big paradigm shift that you need to broach, but I believe it starts there.
If you’ve ever had a pet that you’ve loved wholeheartedly, think of that pet, and now think of YOURSELF, your own tender heart, as a pet, and think how you (your external brain, i guess) ought to treat and feel about that tender heart that has put up with so much. See if you can persuade your brain to be KIND and LOVING to the most important pet of all: YOUR HEART.
Because if you nurture that pet, you can empower it to grow and become a source of love/inspiration to others.
That’s the only visual/metaphorical way I can think of to describe what I’m getting at. I hope I haven’t confused you with it, but I want your heart to have a champion, someone who will love it(you) unconditionally, and thereby learn to bring that same feeling to the world.
Good luck!
I don’t know your situation, but you can “look” worthless if you’re autistic. Non-autistic people will find subtle things about your body language really offputting, mothers even rate autistic babies’ crying as significantly more annoying (my own mother complains about how I sounded as an infant to this day), and it can lead to experiences like this.
There are a few approaches to mitigate that–if you are autistic, that’s not curable, so it helps to lean into one of the stereotypical things non-autistic people think about autistics (being “weird” and goth or making odd jokes, being very nice/conscientious and letting people think you’re “dumb,” etc). People will then “blame” your autistic behavior on this other stereotypical thing and stop being so nasty.
Obviously I can’t dx you with anything just from this though. And the approach above relies on knowing what it is that’s throwing people off.
I’d recommend a therapist, they should be able to help no matter what’s going on.