Some context – my wife and I met in college and have been together over 10 years. The first few years were honestly really awesome, the last few…they’ve been great too, but it’s been really wearing me down.
My wife works as a veterinarian and she hates her job. She’s wanted to be a vet ever since she was a kid, she did everything right in college (4.0 gpa, extra curr), got into vet school, graduated and began working as a vet.
She’s had a few different career pivots, all within the vet field and hated every role she’s ever had. She brings this stress home with her and most days I’m her defacto therapist. The “how was your day” turns into a venting session that’s 30 minutes to an hour in length. In contrast, my job is easier and more interesting (if less fulfilling) and pays better than hers does. I’m prone to melancholy, but that’s more or less random, and happens a couple times a month. I keep it to myself and it passes with time.
As the years and months wear on, I’m starting to become resentful about a lot of things:
1. The debt. We have 6 figures in student loan debt. I’ve been helping her aggressively pay it off at the cost of other things in life that I want. We put almost $5-$8k towards her debt every single month.
2. It’s been 6 years of negativity at this point. In the beginning I was fine with it and happy to lend a listening ear but the last 6-12 months have been really rough.
3. She’s brought up the idea of cutting down the number of hours/days she would work. In theory I’m fine with it because it would improve her mental health significantly, but now the burden of her loans and our financial security is almost entirely on me. I have a good job that pays well but it’s not recession proof whereas her job is.
4. I’m terrified she’s going to turn into her mother. Her mom is one of the most negative people I’ve ever met in my life. 90% of what she says is about how her life is really hard, a complaint or judgment about others and how they’re living their lives or how incredibly nice and kind she is and what a shitty lot in life she has despite how kind she is. Literally no one likes to spend time with her because of her poor attitude. My wife is mostly just really down on her life and not necessarily judge mental. She knows how her mom is and has expressed fears about becoming like her. I feel like I can see it happening but I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid.
On top of all this, I feel some guilt for a couple of different reasons.
1. I want her to make money so that we can have a family. Life is expensive and despite 2 six figure incomes, it feels like I’m constantly stressed about saving for retirement, making sure we have enough to take care for our aging parents, saving for a home (we have nothing except our emergency fund right now), and providing a good life for our future kid.
2. About a year ago we were at a crossroads. Both of us had job offers which would have put our combined income at less than half of what we make now. I’m pretty sure she would have been happier in that role despite it paying only $30k. I (selfishly) thought about our debt, having a support network for our future kid and took a job offer closer to her family. While our income allows us to aggressively pay down our debt, and the jobs keep us close to her extended family and our larger circle of friends, she is unhappy as a result.
I used to be sad that our sex life had taken a big tumble with her career (from multiple times a week down to once a week) but now I sometimes try to avoid it altogether.
I don’t know what to do. I want to bring it up with her, we’ve communicated about our issues in the past quite well but this one seems especially thorny. My resentment is growing from four different places and they’re all interwoven.
Before others suggest therapy, I’m in therapy (and have been for over 3 years) and she’s starting the search for one.
I love her so much and I just want to see her happy but this has really been breaking me. I feel like I’m on the verge of crying many times a month but the tears won’t come which is frustrating in its own way.
How can I tell her how I’m feeling without hurting her too much? Especially given that my feelings are directly tied to significant life choices she has made.
TL;DR: wife is a vet , hates her job and it’s starting to impact our marriage. I feel like I can’t bring it up because it’ll just add to her misery in the one place she feels safe (our home) and I feel stuck.
22 comments
I don’t think you can bring this up without breaking her heart.
But, is it already broke? Her dream job sucks. sucks the joy from her life and yours. Probably feels guilty about being a liability.
She chose poorly. It happens. Perhaps she should look at careers that are vet adjacent (she might know what that means, I don’t).
I don’t really have good advice, but one of you could sell a kidney to pay off the debt and then she could be happy working as a pet therapist or something?
Tough call, i would start talking to her about making a longer term plan. like perhaps having an end date on her vet job/career – after student debt is paid. and then moving to something lower stress for her once that debt is gone. maybe with an end date to the job she will be a bit less stressed.
during that conversation you should let her know how you feel about her venting sessions, and that you understand how stressful her job is, but it is stressful for you to be her sounding board for all that negativity. she probably wont take it well, but i think it needs to be said and solved for both of your sakes.
I’m in a similar boat. I knew I wanted to be a lawyer since I was young, so I spent years and thousands training to become one and I hate every second of it. I looked into a career change but nothing I could get brought as much money as I get now. Tried different areas of law, in different firms – still miserable.
I learned to find joy in other things. I’m resigned to the fact that I will always hate what I do, and very probably I would hate anything I could do instead. So I go to work and I put in the time and then I come home and I appreciate everything else just a little more. I cut down to four days a week and I put in the hours I need to. I still make enough money but I feel like I’ve got my life back. It may be worth looking into that more seriously. Money is really good fun but what’s the point if you’re too miserable to enjoy it?
Well first, having worked in vet med on and off since the mid 90’a and with quite a few veterinarian friends, there’s a reason veterinary professionals have one of the highest suicide rates of any profession. It’s not just your wife.
Not only do you walk out of vet school with tons of debt, the work doesn’t pay well unless you’re in speciality medicine. And if you’re more general practice, dealing with shit owners can just break you down. The amount of emotional energy you have to use to not lose your shit a few times a day on people is significant.
I’m glad she’s looking for a therapist. Glad you have one too. I think you should also find a couples counselor. You’re getting dangerously close to the point of no return and there hasn’t really even been a discussion yet.
Beyond her complaining, the lack of intimacy and such needs to be addressed.
And when it comes to finances, aren’t her loans a pretty low interest? My student loans are at like 0.4%. It wouldn’t make sense for me to try to pay off fast in lieu of building equity in a home for example. Maybe speaking to a financial planner would help you guys build a roadmap to accomplish your financial goals in the most efficient way leveraging best practices.
I (44F) feel for you, I really do. I always wanted to be a veterinarian—since I was maybe 3YO. But after working in a clinic all through HS and college full time, I realized that while I loved vet med, I needed a different career where instead I could volunteer and get my “animal helper” fix without the BS of being a vet.
So I work in tech and I volunteer as a wildlife rehabber. It’s how I get my fix.
If she wants to get into less stressful vet med, she needs to become a board certified specialist. Dermatology or ophthalmology are two of the least stressful. People who are bringing their pets to a specialist aren’t going to be arguing about the cost of tests or meds. And you don’t have a lot of dermatological or opthamological emergencies because those would go to their regular vet first for a referral.
Another possibility is to become a USDA vet where you’re largely doing inspections.
Or zoo vet med—no owners to deal with at all.
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She needs therapy. Thanks to her upbringing, she likely has no other tools on how to cope with her unhappiness. A professional will help her.
If you want to help, tell her you’re worried for her and help her find a therapist. Make a shortlist, do some calls to their offices, anything to speed up the process.
It’s not impossible to talk about venting, the consequences it has and how much venting you can do.
If she vents half an hour everyday that almost certainly something that has negative consequences for her too. In essence she repeats everything negative she has already experienced which makes her go through it twice. If the outcome is that she is much happier and more relaxed it might be positive but if she isn’t it doesn’t help her and doing something else might make both of you feel better
If you can talk about it you could experiment. Clarify what the goal is. You seems to hope that she feels loved, prioritized, that she can let go off difficult feelings, and become more relaxed. She likely has similair goals. A psychologist could for example let you experiment. Have a week with daily venting, a week with daily walks where you talk about other things, a week with other activities you might like … and check which week makes both of you happiest.
Sometimes you really need to process difficult feelings with someone else but it not the case that more is better.
Just a word on the venting: it isn’t to be taken as something you are responsible for or failing. For some people, it is a safety valve. I do it all the time- it is also if you have a stressful responsible job, the pressure gets too much. But it doesn’t necessarily mean she is actually unhappy, just working out what gets her down in the day. Make jokes and demonise the people she moans about, but throw it off if you can or set boundaries such as 15 minutes venting limit. There is plenty of job advice here, but perhaps she could do two jobs vet part time and something that pays but isn’t too stressful for the rest of the week?
Many others have brought up some very good points so I’ll come in here from a slightly different perspective.
My mother (like hers) is someone who always constantly complained and is quite literally the most negative person in the world. Nothing was ever good or even ok. Anything she did made her miserable and everyone had to know how miserable she was. On top of that – she’s also someone who’s quite helpless and thinks “nothing can be done”.
Growing up in such environment made it next to impossible not to be negative to an extent and I imagine your wife probably picked up some of those patterns too. If she changed multiple positions and jobs (now not sure how different they were) it’s possible that at least part of the issue is within her. Do you honestly think she won’t find something bad in any other job?
I’m not sure how self-aware she is and how much she knows about how her unhappiness is impacting you, but perhaps bringing it up with her is the best thing you can do to bring change?
Sell it to her like this – Work your ass off for 5yrs, take all the overtime until the debt is gone and a house down payment is made. Then you can quit for good and have kid(s) or do something else.
That will give her hope and she’ll feel a lot better while getting you out of that hole. Cutting hours doesn’t help, she’ll just dread going back during her off hours, she needs to be allowed to quit completely.
I’m going to give my two cents as a vet-and this post resonates so much. Been graduated 10 years, and worked in numerous roles. I’ve travelled, done relief work, you name it. At numerous points my mental health was poor- worst when I was working full time hours in first opinion practice and doing on call most evening and weekends. Until you work it, it’s difficult to understand how this profession affects you-compassion fatigue, imposter syndrome, abuse from clients, guilt…it’s difficult to stop thinking about work when you step home.
I’ve now reached a place I can say I’m happy. About 3 years ago I almost left the veterinary profession completely, but now I love it. I actually work more hours than I used to, but it doesn’t feel it. I have a hybrid working model where I work in clinical practice half the week, then work remotely from home for another company doing something more management based (not clinical but still using clinical skills-it’s difficult to explain). I know you said your wife has looked into other work, but has she done remote? There are telemedicine and other industry based roles available that still pay well with much reduced stress levels.
Otherwise, a therapist is the good step. Are there any good veterinary mental health charities where you live? In the UK we have Vetlife and it’s specifically for these type of issues. I’d recommend having a look at their website as may help, even a little, but you’ll need to look into more local resources.
Regarding cutting down hours-even 1 day a week can make a difference. Huge difference. Yes, it will impact finances but at the moment you’re both suffering.
As for talking to her-you need to for your own sake. Perhaps try and treat her, let her wind down. Give her space to speak first, ask if anything is bothering her that you can help with or do. Explain you’re worried…honesty, empathy and compassion go a long way.
Best of luck-I feel for the both of you.
Sorry you two are in this position. I can only chip in based on my own experiences: I recognize what you mention about dreading the talk of ‘how was your day’ because it would always be a 45 minute download of negativity. TALK TO HER. Be honest but supportive and constructive . That’s what I did. I literally said that if we were to continue on this path, I might fall out of love for her eventually. It was tough but we made some serious changes together and have now been stronger than ever for years (11 and still going strong)
It’s not you vs her problems it’s the two of you working together on the shared problems.
Has she thought about doing others things around her job? Research?
Teaching? Owning a business involving animals or pets? Sales?
Some of these can be done simultaneously?
Look for a recruiter that specializes in that. Go on LinkedIn, local alma mater organizations to network
I’d definitely bring in a couples therapist and a financial planner. Maybe looking into some career coaching for her.
This needs to be a serious conversation of team you and her versus the problem. The problem is : she is fucking miserable at work. It’s affecting your lives significantly. It’s not sustainable.
Don’t bring up the debt immediately. It’s not the important part. It is a consideration for next steps, but it’s not the important part. The important part is establishing this as you two as a lockstep team that can depend on each other and finally staring the problem in the face.
Fact is, lots of vets are fucking miserable. She didn’t fail. This isn’t on her. It’s ok to accept that something isn’t working and find a new path, together. You think she is brilliant and badass and lovely and most importantly, deserves to be happy. Both of your lives would be better if she was happier.
Then you go into planning together mode, write this shit down. (Note, this is biased but an anxious planner.) What do you both want out of your near future (2-3 years)? 5-10 yr future? Distant old people future? Keep in mind, this is joint future singular, not individual futures, keep this team focused. Keep these futures in mind.
Ok, then do some free career exercises. Things like what does she hate about her job? What does she hate about the industry she is in? What does she love about her job? The industry she is in? What kind of lifestyle would she want at work? What kind of responsibility would she want at work?
Then talk about kids. Sounds like y’all want a family. What does that look like to each of you. Does that look like someone taking a part time or flexible job? A WFH job? Taking years off completely to have kids? Talk about that in detail.
Then you can start to look into options for her future a bit. This likely means research and talking to some other people. Consider here: what kind of income does she need to make with debt in mind? What kind of things do vets tend to do after burnout? Is going part time and back to school for something like an MBA an option? Project management training and working at something like a medical device company? This sounds like the most important but it’s really not, it’s the most actionable but all the planning and establishing you two as a rock solid team is more important than where you end up after this conversation.
I’ve survived a similar situation with my husband. I’m the wife in you situation. I was very frustrated with my job for a long time. Came home exhausted and angry every day. This was my dream job… shouldn’t I be happy? I’d come home and “vent” to my husband. His job is so easy and stress free. I *deserve* to vent. But I didn’t notice his perspective. I’d be gone all day. Barely say hello, and then walk through the door dropping F-bombs. It was exhausting for him. I wouldn’t even ask how his day was. He finally spoke up. He asked me to at least wait a while after I got home to start bitching. Maybe ask or even pretend to care how his day was. … This of course, made me very angry. His day was easy. His day is always easy. No one fucking died at his work!! Oh…. Maybe *I’m* the problem. It took me a long time to see that. Your wife is probably feeling stuck. She waned this for so long. Worked so hard. Is drowning in loans…. and is miserable. I’d tell her that you want to be supportive, that you understand her frustrations at work. But that you need to find a balance. Really emphasize that you want her to be happy and that she is so clearly not happy. Maybe come up with a plan. Can she continue this for 6 more months and then take a long break? Do this job for a few years, until loans are paid down, and then look into a different career? Sometimes you just need a light at the end of the tunnel to stick it out at a job you hate. But she needs to change something.
Because your current arrangement isn’t sustainable. Work as a team. But just make sure she knows she is supported by you!!!
I would tell her that she has been unhappy for a long time and suggest, firmly, that she tries therapy. That you love her and support her and are glad to hear all of her struggles, but it also weighs on you because there’s so much you can do to help. You think that a therapist can help her with coping mechanisms.
Also, you say she works for USDA and if you work for a number of years, won’t her loans be forgiven? I know that people working for government have their loans forgiven after a number of years, because that’s what some of my friends ended up doing after grad school.
The amount you are paying together for her loans is too much so you need to figure that out financially. Do you seriously have to pay that much or she trying to finish paying ahead of time?
I honestly don’t think cutting her hours will help because she is in a negative space of mind and has no way to cope with anything right now. The fact that her mom is the same explains a lot. My dad has some bad coping mechanisms that pass to me and it took me a LONG time to realize and change that (and I’m still trying) which is why I suggest therapy.
Forget about the crossroads you were at a year ago. You two are at one now.
Therapy would likely be good for her. But you can’t control what the work she does in therapy is, and what that path for her is.
What you do have a say in is the path of your relationship together, and how each others actions makes the other feel. What the worries about the long term stability of your marriage is.
You two are in the perfect spot for couples counseling, because while this is impacting your marriage, no one has does anything yet that would cause irrevocable harm to your marriage. Neither of you have cheated. Neither of you have assaulted the other. Neither of you have flushed your savings down the toilet with drugs/booze/gambling/etc. And most importantly, you two still love each other, even through the pain.
You guys have communicated well in the past. And that’s great! It’s a great foundation. But it sounds like you are at the biggest challenge of your marriage. And sometimes, you need a little help to get some perspective, learn how to say the things that are on your mind and heart without being hurtful, learn how to hear each other, and figure out a plan for your lives together going forward.
All of these fears and worries you have are 100% valid. You aren’t overblowing things, you are having an emotional reaction to your wife’s pain, your own stress levels, and your future together.
I know you don’t want to hurt her. But let’s change the perspective. She’s frustrated with her job, she’s probably worried about money as well. Would she want to find out her husband decided to leave her, or has been quietly miserable for years? Or would she want the chance to hear out the person she married, and find a way to not only fix the problems in her marriage, but make that marriage better for the two of you?
This isn’t a “her” problem. This is an “us” problem. She has stressors. You have stressors, and yes, they are related, in some ways shared, and in others direct results. You each deal with them differently, but you need to learn how to deal with them in the context of your marriage.
Change your framing of this to a problem you both need to tackle, together. Not the problem of her job, that’s on her, but as to how it relates to your marriage and your future. Sit down with her and be honest. “Honey, the stress of the last year is really taking a toll on you. It breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. But I have to be honest, it also takes a toll on me. I love you and I want to support you, but lately I’ve been feeling like less of a support and more of a dumping ground. You say you are worried about becoming your mom, and I’m worried if things go the way they are, you will. I want us to find us again. I want us to figure out how we can support each other. How we can find ways to look at tackling our debt, along with tackling how we can both support each other without taking out our frustrations on each other. I love you, and I want to keep loving you. I’ve looked up the names of a few couples counselors near us. Would you be open to the two of us booking a few sessions to help get us back on track?”
I would caution you to be very, very sensitive when bringing this up with your wife. The vet industry is prone to suicide at a higher rate than almost any other profession. She’s not just “complaining”.
She needs therapy. YOU need therapy. Then when folks are in a more solid place, you can talk about the venting.
First of all, student loan debt has been put on pause again so you don’t even have to pay it at the moment if it’s really breaking your bank.
Secondly, you honestly have no right to be bitter. Your wife is doing her very best.
My boyfriend is a teacher and ya know what? He comes home nearly every day with a reason to vent for half an hour to an hr. I completely understand his need to do that and would rather he vent to me than blow up on a bunch of idiotic kids who are just being kids, even if they’re obnoxious and rude.
You need to stop stressing over money you’ll need in the future and instead get yourself a financial plan together.
Again, your wife clearly loves you and wants to be a partner to you. Let her.
Well dont tell her she is turning into her mother for sure
You’re paying 5-8k a month on the loans and are still 6 figures deep? And why is the amount so variable? That seems to imply there are a lot of unnecessary expenses that could be cut out to allow her to find something that isn’t soul-crushing.
I understand that her choice in careers is harming your well-being, but it sounds like there are alternatives.
I’ve been where your wife is at with a career I wanted to love but broke me (teaching) and I’m only a year or so older than you guys.
Some temporary things to think about. Right now your short term game is really important– she’s about to go to therapy, you guys might be looking into couples therapy and career counseling, the holidays are hard, and you are burned out. The next three to six months are either going to make or break you guys.
I’d recommend cutting her student loan payments by about a thousand and splitting that difference between short term things that will rejuvenate you both– spa days, massages, date nights, whatever. Therapy and chronic burnout both bring up the short term stress levels. Having a grace slush fund for good food, things that make each of you excited, will help to keep the morale up.
Secondly, reframe the conversation. Less “how was your day” and more “what was good about your day”. Practice gratitude in conversation. That really helped me pull out. My fiance had those conversations with me, and they weren’t easy at first, but they really helped.
Career counseling is going to be really helpful for your wife.