so me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 months; still in our honeymoon phase or whatever. he works a regular 9-5 job. we don’t really see each other that much as we both work but when we finally do, we see each other for a few hours in the evenings. i stay at his or he comes to mine and then he’s asleep by 10pm. i understand how tired he is but honestly it makes me feel like i’m so boring to be around. we have occasional dates when we both have our days off which is really fun and amazing but that can be quite rare. we hardly do anything sexual because he is so tired, he is normally half asleep if we ever do anything. my sex drive is very high compared to his. when he goes to sleep so early when he’s with me it makes me feel like he’s not sexually attracted to me. i am also very frustrated.
tl;dr what can i do? i don’t want to make him feel bad for being tired but it also affects me sometimes.
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I think it’s normal for him to be tired of his job, and it’s also normal for you to be tired of this situation since you’re not doing as much as you’d like because of it. Unfortunately, nothing can be done about this situation right away. A conversation maybe would help, and sex for a couple is very important, especially in the first few months. If I were you, I would plan a trip. You know, kind of romantic, without cell phones or other distractions. Or if that’s not possible, I might organize a romantic evening, with a nice dinner, some wine, etc. And I might have suggested that we try something new and exciting sexually. And don’t forget the alcohol. It raises the [libido.You](https://libido.You) know, try to spice it up a little bit.
He works 9-5 weekdays, goes to sleep at 10p and is too tired to have sex?! How old IS he? Does he have medical/health issues? Is he depressed? Has he started/stopped medications?
I would say, “something” is going on with him and it doesn’t sound good, Op.
What are weekends like?
Is this normal for him or abnormal? If he needs a full 8 hours to feel normal and he is up by 6, he needs to go to bed by 10. If this has always been his sleep pattern then it probably won’t change. If it is abnormal, ask if he will see a doctor. If it is related to his job – can he change jobs? Could he start exercising to get more energy? If you two had jobs where your schedule lined up better and you could have one full day together a week, would that make it better?
It’s possible he has a low libido to begin with and is using ‘tired’ to explain his lack of desire – he likes you but doesn’t want to have sex as often. You would have to decide if the relationship is worth it to you to always have this level of frustration.
…a regular 9-5 job. That is cake hours. He may have a health issue and should see a doctor. He needs some sort of B-12 shot or something to get back on track again. This is highly abnormal. Talk to him.
From my experience a guy that is super into you will stay up to have sex with you and risk being dead tired the next day. Something sounds off here and honestly, this is bad news only 3 months in. A relationship that’s meant to be should have an effortless flow to it. You shouldn’t be left doubting yourself in any way. To me personally that’s a red flag. I dated my ex for 8 years and he had a disturbingly low sex drive from the beginning and it never got better…. It got much worse. It ultimately led to me cheating on him because I constantly felt he wasn’t attracted to me and made me feel inadequate and we broke up and I never looked back. You should ask him the tough questions asap because this early on especially he should be all over you no matter what.
This could be a medical issue or he could just have a demanding job – you have to work out whether this is compatible with your needs. If not you move on and you both find someone more suitable
I have the same issue with my bf. He works a 9-5 and often isn’t down for sex bc of how tired he is. We’ve been together 6 months now and the one thing that has helped are words of affirmation. He just got this job maybe 8 months ago and it’s really been kicking his butt. We also don’t live together so whenever we do see each other it also is late in the day for a couple hours. I also have a fairly high sex drive and for a while I felt he wasn’t into me anymore bc he just wouldn’t send a spicy snap back, too tired, etc when I was in the mood. But after sitting down and talking about how we felt, we did several changes. One of them I already mentioned, words of affirmation; morning sex; and some sort of spicy text or snap when I let him know I’m “in the mood”. If your boyfriend is okay with you waking him up in the morning for some sexual tension I would definitely try that out, it could be a great start to his day.
He doesn’t seem that into you, and if he’s not willing to work with you in this issue, it’s not worth staying. Even if your boyfriend is truly tired, if he loves you, he should be taking your feelings seriously and try to find solutions. (Doctor visit, caffeine, taking a day off, just something.)
I know this from experience, only that I was in a relationship with a guy who told me the “I’m too tired” excuse for 6 months. He also worked a full time job, and I stuck by his excuse for so long because I knew it was demanding.
I tried so many things. Giving him space, being supportive, respecting him saying no, suggesting new things for the bedroom, having dialogues about our sex life. If didn’t work. Turns out he was hiding, among other things, a porn addiction from me. He also claimed that he didn’t want sex with me because he stopped loving me halfway into the relationship (we were together for a total of a year and a few months) and didn’t feel sexually satisfied with me. I should have left that relationship a lot sooner; don’t be like me.
Have sex before his bed time
10pm is really not very early if he works everyday and if he has to commute too, I would say its actually the perfect time to go to sleep? When will he arrive at yours in the evening and the other way round? I think there is not really anything he can/should do about his natural sleeping schedule!
I would take the focus off the weekdays he has to work and look at what he does to make you feel good on the days he had enough time to rest. But if you’re this bothered by him sleeping when hes tired, you might want to rethink the relationship… My Partner and I rarely do sexual stuff during the week due to us both being extremely tired
>i understand how tired he is but honestly it makes me feel like i’m so boring to be around.
With all due respect, you’re making him being tired into some statement about how much he desires you and your self-worth, which is a little nuts.
Address the actual issue of wanting to spend more quality time with him instead of turning this into some type of unproductive self-flagellation.
you’ve only been together for 3 months and you call this your “honeymoon phase”. is this tiredness issue a recent one (in the past few weeks?) or is it something that has been a part of your relationship since the start of it?
if it’s the former, maybe try talking to him about what’s changed recently, and see how long this schedule mismatch is going to continue.
if it’s the later, definitely try talking to him and tell him what you expect from your relationship. how is he supposed to know if you don’t tell him? you do have to be prepared for the possibility that your attachment styles are different. for example, you are worried he’s falling asleep because he’s not attracted to you, but what if he’s falling asleep because he feels comfortable and safe around you?
there’s nothing inherently wrong with a couple having different attachment styles as long as they’re both open about their needs and expectations and willing to rise to their partner’s needs and expectations, though i will say if either or both of you continuously fails to rise to the expectations of the other it might be because you’re not fully compatible as a romantic couple.
Wow, so surprised how many ppl say you’re not allowed to be too tired for sex and that it is abnormal.
What kind of life is it having a job that takes so much time and leaves one so tired that little time or energy is left for one’s mate!? I’d ditch that job and get some other career. Or both ditch the jobs and craft a life together.
There’s a few possibilities here.
1. He’s drained from work
2. He’s not getting enough sleep. Then he’d be tired the next night. Men produce testosterone in their sleep, so insufficient sleep can lead to lower sex drive and general tiredness
3. He’s just not that interested in sex
I’d guess 1 or 2 are the most likely ones.
Please refer to the Reddit channel deadbedrooms.
As someone who also has this issue, it will NEVER get better. If your boyfriend doesn’t want as much sex as you now he’s never going to want as much sex as you. He will always want less. You will pressure him, he will tell you sex feels like a chore, and you will feel insecure and ugly.
Trust me. I’ve had higher sex drive than almost all of my boyfriends and it never worked. In the end I was always left feeling undesirable and rejected and they all felt inadequate. Never a good combination.
Leave now. Find a guy that wants sex just as much as you. And if it’s at the three year mark and he stops wanting it as much as you… find another guy.
No offense but you should just communicate with him about this instead of coming on here. Explain how you feel to him & express your concerns and insecurities and see what he says! If he dismisses you, then maybe you need to find someone else, but if he sits there and talks with you and you guys talk it out & he’s listening to you: try and make it work. If he’s working & is tired from his job, jobs are not easy and relationships aren’t easy. I’m about to hit my 3 year anniversary and we’ve both had ridiculous hours, but we’ve made it work by constant reassurance and communication.
I hope for the best for you hun. 💖
I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s a hard-working man. Give him some time. Talk about it from a place of compassion and understanding, especially if he grew up in poverty. Sometimes, people care about you and also have their own things going on. You have to be okay with that. The relationship is still new. You both are still young. Take it slow and build that relationship emotionally, so when you get together physically, it will be easier to unwind and connect. It’s too soon to tell if he’s worth it, but give it a chance. Leaving for that reason doesn’t make sense to me.
Magnesium and B vitamins
I’ve gotta ask what kind of work does he do? If its a physical job it’s normal to be tired and want to get to bed at a decent time and 10 pm is really not that early. Even non physical jobs can drain a person, I think you’re reading too much into this and need to try and be more patient with him, js
Idk his schedules I’m assuming it’s a literally 9-5. In which case 10 is not early for his schedule. You said this is early, do you have a different schedule? Because that is not early for a 9-5. Assuming he is not waking up early everyday.
What can you do? Well I can give some in general advice act excited to see him. While staying under the squeal of excited type. Expectually when he just gets off work he will need decompress time.
Side note is he a low energy does not like excitement person it would be important on how you consider your situation and solutions.
When I don’t get enough sleep for my job I fall asleep while I’m driving on the way home. Men work hard for the money they earn, and the reality of a stable man who earns a solid income is that he’s going to be tired after hustling all day. I can’t even tell you how physical and laborious my job is. And now that it’s winter time I gotta do it in the cold wind and snow.
You gotta let him take care of his needs too. Set up specific date nights that are exclusive to you and him having a romantic time, but let the man sleep when he’s tired. Like I said, I fall asleep when I’m driving if I’m not allowed to sleep enough. This could be deadly to multiple people, you need to let him take care of his needs on work nights.
Talk to him about it