I 32M will be visiting my partner’s (31F) parents for the holidays. They have been trying to get me to propose for what feels like 10 years now. We started dating towards the end of college and since graduating they’ve been on me about it. Ive told them I dont want to get married, their daughter knows this, while she would like to, she’s accepted thats not what I want. We have 2 kids and home together and i love my family just how it is. In their culture its really looked down on to have kids or live together while not married but in mine its the norm.
I already know Im going to get a ton of pressure from them. Ive let them know in the past but I think they think its still a matter of time. Should I try to get ahead of it and bring it up early with them or wait for them to inevitably bring it up again? if/when they do, how should I shut it down?
Not trying to debate marriage here, my mind is made up. Asking for advice on dealing with the pushy parents.
TLDR: Partners parents are always trying to get me to propose. I dont want that and am trying to prepare for the annual pressure at the holidays
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Update: Spoke with her last night about everything. She agrees they’ve been way too rude about our life choices and apparently they’ve been bugging her more than normal about stuff lately as well. Not just about the marriage thing but about her career. They were disappointed she became a pharmacist and not a “real doctor” and now are disappointed in her choice to work as a pharmacist for someone else and not start her own pharmacy. Just a lot of pushiness in general. She actually suggested for this Christmas to audible and just spend it together as family. She’s going to tell them today and hoping they have a wakeup call about the effect of their not respecting boundaries. When talking about the marriage thing she said “I accepted our family structure years ago and if they cant accept me, I dont want to spend holidays with them”. Hoping after this christmas they realize they need to take a step back and future holidays can be spent together with more respect for boundaries.
50 comments
Why are you with a woman who you know wants the one thing you won’t give her?
Has she ever told them to stop putting pressure on you? Do they do it in front of her, and if yes how does she react?
When I saw the title I was going to say that since it’s her family, she should address it and say that the two of you decided not to get married together…but it sounds like you are the one who decided it on your own, and she has decided not to break up over your stance, so I say you just suck it up. They are looking out for your partner’s best interests and know that she wants to get married, so they are advocating for that, which is very understandable.
She needs to shut it down once and forever.
What is your issue with marriage?
I assume you’ve done the legal legwork to make sure you’re both financially protected in the case of a split or death. If she has chosen not to get married as part of the package deal of building s life with you, then she needs to be the one to call off the dogs by explaining to her parents that she’s happy and legally protected/safe, and tell them that they need to stop unless they don’t want you guys to come for the holidays.
If she’s not happy or not safe with you, and you know that and simply don’t care, then I think her parents pretty much have carte blanche to disregard your wishes and feelings here and you just need to deal with it.
I think that it’s really not a good idea to have a long term relationship with kids without marriage because of all of the legal stuff that marriage automatically sets up for you, that is never as ironclad without marriage (inheritance, medical power of attorney…), at least in the USA. BUT I know you don’t want to debate about it. Know though, that this may be part of the reason why her parents are advocating for it and why they don’t drop it.
Agree with your partner in advance how you will handle the topic with the parents. Just change the subject if they bring it up and don’t engage. If needed, leave. And your partner should (if she really feels this way) tell her parents in advance that she doesn’t want the topic to be brought up.
This is her parents and therefore her topic, though. I suggest everyone respect her wishes for handling things.
“We’ve been over this, and you know where we stand on the issue. It’s not up for discussion, so please stop bringing it up.”
If they bring it up, start redirecting with something totally unrelated.
Ring or not I’d say you’re pretty committed at this point. Refusing her marriage after ten years together and multiple kids is just unbelievable.
That poor woman.
Your kids might be too young for this…but put on a holiday skit/play with your whole family.
Tell your in laws you’ve got a big family show prepared. Let them get their hopes up that it’s an engagement announcement. Just be really cagey about it. Set them up for a huge let down.
When the time comes, put on the skit. Make up a silly song, or just use this one:
To the tune of *We Wish You A Merry Christmas*
We’re never getting maaa-reeed/
We’re never getting maaa-reeed/
We’re never getting maaa-reeed/
And we’re happ-eee this way!
(Kid 1) We’ve said it before/
(Kid 2) We’ll say it again/
We’re never getting maaa-reeed/
And we’re happ-eee this way!
We don’t need a ring/
Or cer-e-mon-neees/
We’re happy as a family/
Please accept that this year
Pressure from you/
Just makes us feel bad/
We’re never getting maaa-reeed/
And we’re happ-eee this way!
If you say it again/
We’ll have to decline/
A future invitation/
And spend Christmas elsewhere…
You really have to break their hearts, emotionally crush them to make them understand. There’s also a risk that they’ll go hostile on you after this.
Accepting the grief may be the best thing to do.
I would take the approach of just trying to let it wash over you. Nothing you do is going to make them stop raising it, all you can do is accept it’s going to happen and refuse to let it bug you. If you spend half the holidays in dread, waiting for it to come up, you may well want to bite the bullet and bring it up.
10 years. 2 kids. Home. Still afraid to commit. Lol. Oof. At least when she cheats on you, you can say “my ex girlfriend” instead of “ex wife” 😃
Just what exactly is your issue with getting married?
Please don’t put this on us black folk.
I’m recently married to an Indian. I’m white
Indian culture really values marriage. Indians also really value their family and there is tremendous pressure to get married. For your in laws I would guess that it is in their top most important things in their life to see their kids get married.
Your partner obviously really loves and cares for you and puts you first if she is willing to stay with you and have kids outside of marriage. It really is such a huge part of Indian culture. I can’t imagine what she has had to deal with from her family and people in the Indian community (aunties, uncles, cousins, etc) pressuring her to get married. It sounds like you get the comments once a year during the holidays. I have a feeling she gets it WAY more since she probably talks to her family more than you do
Don’t really have advise. And I don’t think your in-laws will ever stop bringing it up. But if you love your partner and her family I think you will just have to deal with the pressure and comments for the rest of your life. Or just get married LOL
Genuinely curious, if nothing changes since you already have legal stuff sorted, what would the difference be if you were to get married? not saying you should or have to, just curious on your stance.
Could you do a religious only wedding? Or a commitment ceremony?
Otherwise, just don’t engage with the discussion. “We’ve already expressed our views on this. We don’t have anything further to add.” Ad nauseam.
I spent many years in the ‘I’m never getting married’ camp. I was actually in the ‘I will never enjoy being the groom in a wedding and will not spend a down payment on a house on something that will probably give me hives and then be over’ camp.
I took a Vacation with my parter to Vegas. Elvis married us in like 10 mins, now I have a wife. No ragrets.
Have you identified why specifically you don’t want to be married? Maybe their is room to compromise as it sounds like maybe it is something that would make your partner happy.
Hi OP. Sorry if sill question but is it specifically related to holidays or to every time you’re with them?
Quite frankly you’re lucky her parents accept you at all. I have seen Indian parents disown their daughters over less. They will never stop doing what they think is in their daughters’ best interest.
I think your only choice is to suck it up. They know she wants to get married and you don’t, so her telling them that she’s happy with how things are and to stop isn’t going to be genuinely convincing. Like it or not, it’s always sad to hear about a couple that’s living like a married couple, where only one doesn’t want to get married for whatever reason, and puts more importance on that than the feelings of the person who does want to get married.
Sorry but why is it on her. Why don’t you speak to them directly?
I just feel for your partner.
Hear me out… fake wedding.
Big bash, invite everyone, don’t sign any legal docs, keep it between you and your partner.
Paint or get off the ladder. Yall are just playing house while pretending not to be serious. Don’t know what your frustration is, but your gf will eventually find someone who is compatible with her beliefs.
It’s pretty lame you get everything you want and she doesn’t get the one thing she wants.
I don’t like how everyone is pressuring op to just her. She’s not being held at gun point, if marriage is what she wants she can walk away and get it elsewhere. She knew from the very beginning. Maybe offer actual advice instead of trying to force op into doing something he will resent?
Dude, grow up. All i hear is I, ME, and MINE.
might as well, if only to save on taxes!
rule #1 never do wifey shit for someone who isn’t your husband.
This whole thing seems like a business deal as you keep referring to her as your partner and not girlfriend. Poor lady, she deserves better
Keep it simple, clear and direct like you would with any other boundary, “We’ve already explained our stance on this and it’s not up for debate. If you keep bringing it up we’ll have to end our visit and I would hate for that to happen. How’s that goiter doing you mentioned last month….?” Short, clear, no drama and change the subject.
You’ve chosen to live with and have children out of wedlock with a woman whose parents are against it. Your allowed in their home so you need to just suck it up and deal with it!
Dear ladies never let a boyfriend keep you from finding a husband!
Dude, you are the lucky one here when you have your partner compromising and putting your want above her and her family’s want. She and her family wants marriage but you dont, and you already get what you want. So the only advice here is treausure what you have got, stop complaining, and stop wanting everything perfect 100% your way, cus it doesn’t. You cant change her family mind, the same as they cant change yours about marriage. You just need to take it one time per year. Whats more to ask?
If you think about not going to her family on holiday, except she also genuinely wants the same and okei with not going, you are way too selfish and putting you over your partner’s feeling. Bless this woman.
Well, having kids together ties you to each other for life way more than marriage. You’ve commited to her now forever because of that.
So….I really do not get why the opposition to marriage. I guess you’d prefer her parents make medical decisions if she’s ever incapacitated? And you’d be perfectly A OK with them barring you from visiting her in a hospital if that ever happened? I suppose you’re totally cool with forgoing any tax benefits to being married as well?
I don’t really have any thoughts about dealing with inlaws. I’m just putting this post here because I’m so fascinated by a desi woman who is okay with not being married and planning two children outside of marriage when she has a partner who is available to marry. As a South Asian, she would definitely be a curiosity, even for younger generations in the West who are relatively progressive and live together before marriage, etc.
imagine still being called “boyfriend” and have kids and having a home with your “girlfriend”…wtf.. just put a ring on her and call her your wife I’m sure you’re actually legally married by default by now in state laws, for living so long together and such. she’s probably entitled just as much from you if you broke up as any married woman would be, given your circumstances and time together and kids, right now you’re holding out for literally no reason, as you’re already a husband on every level. just have the party already. lol. killing me smalls. plus if you love her and you know she wants it, then why not make her happy and do the song and dance for her?
Isn’t it more beneficial for the mother of your children to be married to you? Healthcare? Taxes? Life insurance ? Sanity ?
She gave you ten years, and 2 kids. Suck it up Nancy and just marry her already!
‘She would like it’
Yea , she would. Do you have any sorrow for her? Do you have any idea how much shit she has to hear for your decision ? From literally EVERYONE? Friends, family , coworkers? You have no clue. She’s been hearing the questions for probably 7-8 years now.
Here’s some common questions /comments she’s getting;
Why won’t you get married? He doesn’t want to marry you?
Are you ever going to get married ?
<side eyes>
What are you teaching your kids? Lecture after lecture after lecture.
Do you know how confused your kids will be? Daddy never married mommy. Teach your children about normal family traditions and stop stomping your feet like a child !
I feel so sorry for your lady. Your lucky to even have her!
How does having unmarried parents affect your children in their community? Maybe this is one thing her parents are worried about.
yeah I have to agree with other comments. it’s hard feeling sorry for you. you bought a house with her and have kids…. so if you split up it’s still going to be a pain in the ass with splitting assets and custody issues, child support ect… so you might as well make your woman happy if that’s what she wants. she is doing what makes you happy and putting you first and probley getting black steeped in her own family.
Personally, i think your girlfriend wants to be married and is hoping her family will pressure you into changing your mind. Why would she tell you if this was the case? She had your kids, if she made it clear that she wanted a wedding because it was important to her, but you refused to even humor the suggestion because your culture trumps her culture, what choice does she have but to bottle it up lest you leave her over it? At the end of the day, her parents are looking out for HER and HER KIDS, and youve shown yourself to seem like you have one foot out of the door at all times.
It feels like there are 2 separate issues here. the parents nagging you, and how they talk to and about your children.
Talk with your partner and agree on clear boundaries where your kids are concerned with the harmful language. Then clearly communicate these boundaries together to your partners parents at the beginning of the visit.
To be clear a boundary is something you do, not something someone else does.
Example: If you use language that is harmful or demeaning to our children, ie bastard, then we will leave whatever family functions immediately. And we might even go home and end the family trip completely.
No one else is responsible for a boundary you don’t articulate. And if they do the thing, then you enforce the boundary and leave. Keep it easy and in an “If you _____, then we will _______” formula.
As far as your discomfort… I have to say I side with the “suck it up” crowd. Your partner wants something you don’t. Something that isn’t important in the community and family you were raised in. But something that is VERY important in the community and family she was raised in, and something she does in fact want. She has clearly consented to this but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a big sacrifice for her.
I can only guess that you don’t want marriage because you want to keep one foot out the door. “I don’t want to” is only valid for a kid. You’ve gotta have a reason, my guess is you just haven’t examined why.
You must be really special.
You’re so incredibly in the wrong. You’re looking at this as “woe is me,” but think about your girlfriend. She WANTS to get married to you, and if that’s important to her and her family/values/culture, you’re lucky to even be there. Wake up and stop being selfish. Think about this woman who you created children with. She is probably constantly bombarded with the question of when you’re going to get married.
No offense, but why not get married once in life? If it works for a lifetime, then it works. If it doesn’t, you both accept to move on and move on. You already have all legal issues taken care of, so why not make her happy and just do it. Unless you’ve been married before, I understand why you wouldn’t do it again.
After reading all the comments, my two cents are that she wants to get married and make your union & kids legal, but she is too ashamed to admit she made a mistake. She is too ashamed to leave because she probably think no one will ever want her again, or it is something I picked up from my Indian friends. Maybe she is ok with her parents putting the pressure and keeping the issue alive and in OP’s mind? In any case- they already live as a married couple and I see no reason why they should just go to sign the papers. Otherwise, she is as free (legally) to leave if she meet someone else as OP is.
Maybe just suck it up since you got exactly what you wanted and she settled to be with you?
This might be an unpopular opinion but I hope your gf doesn’t resent you down the road for giving up getting married ..
I won’t give advice because I think your decision shows a lack of care for your wife and a selfishness on your part.
My advice is to change your mind.
It sounds like your wife loves you a lot, since she has put YOUR wants over her own. It isn’t just family pressure, she wants marriage and to be a “real family.” She is willing to be “looked down on” for her “bad choices” and have people talk crap about her and her whole family because of you. She loves you that much.
You, apparently, are fine with this. That shows how little you love HER.
Marriage is just a legal contract. It doesn’t have to involve a wedding.