I (M26) for various reasons have not been in relationship. I was also until last night a virgin. It’s complicated but in short I wanted to save myself for someone special and never found someone I wanted to be with who also wanted to be with me.
Anyway, a few months ago I met this woman (F20) who started flirting with me. So I asked her out but she declined, saying that she is not looking for a relationship right now but was cool with staying in touch as she was quite busy at school. So we did. I happened to run into her in a bar yesterday and I started chatting with her and her friends. We started playing at the bar arcade together, got a little touchy, started dancing, and I eventually had my first kiss (yeah I know.). I also only drank for the third time in my life so I have zero tolerance so wasn’t exactly completely sober (though I wasn’t drunk really either). Anyway she asked me to walk her to her apartment, and when it was clear what was going to happen; I told her that I only wanted to do this within a proper relationship. She nodded and said that she wanted a future with me. Now maybe I misunderstood what she meant because we were talking in french, the dominant langauge of where we live. However that is my second language (English being first) and am not fluent in it yet; still learning. Anyway, I lost my virginity that night.
The next morning (i.e. today) she said that she was returning to her home town later that day and needed to pack and I offered to help. We then made out and had sex again and I bussed with her to the train station. While waiting for her train, I asked when I would see my GF again? She was taken back and said that she didn’t see me that way. I was confused and she said that while she likes me, she wants to keep options open right now and that she sees me as a friend whom I can engage in romantic activities with. I got annoyed and angry and told her I never agreed to this and I wanted a proper serious relationship. She says that while she did consider me for one, she felt the sex wasn’t good enough so she did not want to commit at this point but that she still felt that we still have a permanent relationship, just a different kind. I got angry at her and told her I felt used and attacked. She told me to quit being dramatic, to get over myself, and that it is 2022 and gender equality is a thing. Women can decide to back out and not enter a relationship and have sexual freedoms and that I should stop being a “boomer” with my prudish attitude. She said that I had not right to her love but that if I apologize and behave better she would forgive me. Not wanting to handle this I walked away, cried my heart out, had some ice cream, cried some more, and just moped about all day angry, depressed, and hurt
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**tl;dr**: It seems like this woman wanted to be my GF and under that pretence I had sex. Then she decided that she didn’t want a relationship and it felt like my values were violated
10 comments
She told you she wasn’t looking for anything serious when you first spoke to her. The evening you described the night before is typical for a one night stand. She wasn’t leading you on but your expectation was different than hers and you weren’t reading the signs or picking up on the typical one night stand dance, so to speak. Just because someone has sex with you or kisses you doesn’t automatically make them your girlfriend or boyfriend. Cut your losses and chalk this up to a lesson learned.
Side note: the reason you may have issues finding a girlfriend is because you are giving off desperation signals and some intense/urgent signals of wanting to be in a relationship. Even girls who want a serious relationship will be scared off by that. You need to reevaluate yourself and maybe look for making friends with similar interests as yours. Become friends first and then see where it goes. And you typically won’t find anything other than a one night stand at a bar.
She owes you nothing and you are **incredibly ** naive. I’m having trouble believing this is even a real story.
Yikes no she did not lead you on. Sex does not make a girlfriend. She told you where she stood the first time.
You wanted to be in a committed relationship before sex, even if she had agreed to dating you wouldn’t even have been in that relationship yet! Time makes a relationship not meeting up and and agreeing in one night. Stop putting it on her that you let your urges win.
She does not owe you a relationship and whilst is unkind of her to lead to to believe she would date you afterwards, unless you are stupid you must have realised it was a possibility that would not happen.
If you only want sex in a committed relationship then you need to get into a committed relationship FIRST then have sex. Not have sex and HOPE they want to date you after.
She led you on, but it was still foolish of you not to wait. Anyone who says she didn’t has some serious double standards. That being said, people who want to save their virginity for a serious relationship should not hook up like this when you haven’t even dated or at least waited after establishing a relationship. Let this be a learning lesson.
She didn’t lead you on. You met up with her at a bar and then had sex. You guys never had a conversation in which you defined each other as gf/bf. It sucks that you regret the sex, but to say that she led you on is unfair.
She told you from the very beginning she wasn’t interested in a serious relationship… What I’m seeing here is someone who got horny and started thinking with the wrong head, and somehow connected sex to being in a relationship… With someone who said she didn’t want one..
She did not lead you on. This is all on you. You should’ve listened to her words instead of your penis.
Kind of a dick move by her, (if she wasn’t drunk), ain’t too familiar with alcohol effects.
Some said you knew she didn’t want a relationship but she also knew you wanted one if you were to have sex. So for you probably not the smartast move to get a serious girlfriend in a night but also – Understandable because you was somewhat drunk. She just blatantly used you, seems a bit rapey to me.
Summary: you was a bit stupid and drunk – she manipulated you for sex
That’s my understanding of it
You led yourself on. You’re not in a relationship until the two of you have had “the talk” explicitly stating that you are together/exclusive. If you want to attempt to salvage this, you have to do four things:
– Tell yourself that everything is ok. There was a miscommunication rooted in your beliefs about how all this was supposed to go down, and that’s ok, but you must let yourself detach from the outcome not being as you desired. Allow yourself to realize that she is not in the wrong and she **absolutely did not lead you on**. You’re new to this, it happens (my first date/kiss was at 25, first drink at 24, so I sympathize).
– Apologize to her and inform her that she was your first kiss and your first sex, that you had unrealistic expectations and that you never meant to pressure her. Reassure her that you won’t be clingy just because the two of you hooked up, explaining that you realize where you went wrong and are ok being casual. Tell her you enjoyed your time together and how comfortable she made you feel, and explain that you understand why she reacted the way she did. Emphasize how you are not trying to bring drama into her life or cause her any stress, closing with a statement of appreciation that she was clear and straightforward with you.
– Work on yourself. You got yourself hung up on the idea of someone and the idea of a relationship with her, when reality didn’t align with that idea. Make sure you have passions outside of this girl, perform mental exercises to train yourself to not be clingy and to not pressure her (or other girls). Work on any insecurities you may be feeling, being mindful of the fact that anything you feel is **not** because of anything this girl did, but rather the result of your reaction. You can not (and should not) control what anyone else does, but you *can* (and should) control your actions and reactions.
– Set realistic expectations for yourself and your romantic life. It is very uncommon these days to enter a relationship after a single date/hookup. You have to build your way to a relationship, and not every interest will work out. Dating is a process of discovering your compatibility with potential partners. This girl believes you two are sexually incompatible, but this can easily change with practice and education.
Allow me to tell you something I hate to admit:
I was incredibly sheltered [socially isolated] my entire life, never watched porn, didn’t know how to talk to girls (I could barely talk to guys without being crazy awkward, even though I’m not attracted to guys). When I decided to become sexually active, I watched videos to help me get to a point where I wouldn’t mess up any potential relationships. These videos included:
– Confidence coaching videos
– Vocal tonality videos
– Posture videos
– A video I found of a porn star teaching how to finger and perform oral on women
I don’t like porn. I felt so weird watching that final video, but it benefitted me greatly when I lost my virginity. I could’ve assumed the girl was just being nice when she exclaimed that I had “the hands of a god”, since I’d been up front with her that I was a virgin (and she had a mid-2-digit bodycount – I didn’t ask, she just told me), but the way she incessantly pursued me after the fact leads me to believe that I actually learned a lot from that video. My sexual partners that followed had no knowledge of my [limited] sexual history and they all extremely enjoyed the techniques I’d learned in that video.
To summarize:
– Set realistic expectations
– Apologize
– Be honest
– Assure this girl that you won’t pressure her or expect anything
– Thank her for waking you to reality
– Step up your game
– Pursue passions outside of her/other girls you date
If this is a deal breaker for you, seeing as she and you want different things:
– Apologize to her
– Be honest with her
– Thank her for being straightforward and not just ghosting you
– Tell her you aren’t ready for something casual and respectfully recuse yourself from further intimacy/socialization with her
It’s my opinion that you should reset your expectations and just go with the flow. That being said, absolutely do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Make sure that you do not pressure this girl or any other. If you want to continue with your current mindset, make sure that, prior to engaging sexually with any girl, you are already boyfriend & girlfriend. “The talk” is very real and it’s not a thing that happens in the moment right before hooking up.
Good luck mate. She didn’t lead you on, I get that you’re hurt but she’s not in the wrong. This is a learning experience for you. Make it count!
Idk it sounds like she just said whatever so she didn’t have to go home alone that night. But you should have been more wary especially since she’s told you before that she’s not looking for anything serious. Idk if it were the other way around, her behavior would definitely been kind of f boyish and I’m sorry that you lost your virginity under those circumstances. However, she’s entitled to change her mind and isn’t obligated to be in a monogamous relationship if she doesn’t want to. My advice is to move on, properly grieve what you have lost, and to wait until you’re properly in a committed relationship until you have sex.